I found a new way to lose weight fast =D

I call it, the 'broke' diet =/

I'm so broke. I have €6 in my bank account and I can't even get that out unless I go into the bank and that's not going to happen. I get €50 every Tuesday night but petrols so expensive that's pretty much where all my money goes.

I'm owed at least €400 from various people but they don't have any money to give back to me, at least not just yet so until then i'm on the broke diet.

I'm barely at home these days and with no spare money I have to wait until I get home if I really want to eat something.

But I've started getting really bad pains in my abdomen. Not quite where my stomach is, kinda above, back a bit and to the right (so towards my right hand) my stomach. It hurts when I suck in or push my belly out and to make it feel better I have to suck in as far as a can and push in with my fingers for a minute or so a few times and eventually the pain will subside.
   This started happening the last day and my friend said It's from hunger. I'd eaten noodles before I left the house that day so I was thinking in my head that it isn't hunger, I'd eaten loads sure (I at at half 12, it was about half 4 or 5 at this point). So I told her I wasn't hungry and this keeps happening. She said it's from prolonged hunger and my other friend kind of sniggered and I'm almost certain they threw each other a sly glance. Maybe I'm being paranoid but it's like they know something or they're making fun of me for not eating. Lately I haven't been eating because I'm broke but back when I was in school with them I'd eat like a mouse and they always commented on it, always asking questions etc.
   It sort of hurt me though, that my friend kept telling me that the only reason I'm getting these sharp shooting pains is because I'm hungry. I ate a full dinner yesterday for my boyfriends sisters birthday and I was in agony afterwards. It can't be hunger. I hope something isn't wrong. I hope I haven't given myself a hole in my stomach or something equally fun =(

Stay Safe
XxXx

I actually fainted

So as you all know I went to a four day house party last week. I was taking yokes (E) as I'm sure I've said before so of course I wasn't eating.

  On the Friday morning I felt alright, better than I'd thought I'd be anyways, but I did feel really faint. Whenever I was standing for a long time my vision would start to go fuzzy and I'd lose all my energy. It was ok for a while since I could just sit down and I'd be right as rain in no time.  But later in the morning I got up and went over to a mirror to do my hair. There were no places to sit down near the mirror or places to leave down my hair straightener so when my vision started to go and I felt faint again I just tried to push through it. I leaned against the wardrobe and took deep breaths in the hope i'd subside. The next thing I knew I was sitting on the floor directly under where i'd been leaning on the wardrobe. I was still holding my hair straightener and everything. One of my friends was on the bed in the room and looked so confused when I turned round to her. She said one minute I was just standing there the next I fell straight down. 

  I've never and I mean never fainted before. I've felt like I was going to faint many times but actually dropping like a fly? Nope, never happened before. It felt weird.


  I kinda liked it =/

So my weight has settled. I've lost one stone.

I haven't eaten today and I have no appetite.

Haven't taken drugs since Friday last week so that's 10 days.

On Thursday I'm going to a houseparty thing. It starts Thursday and ends Sunday. There'll be a lot of drugs there. When I take yokes I can't eat while on them and definetly not the day afterwards, as i've said before. I'll be taking them Thursday night, Friday night maybe Saturday night. I also don't eat the day before taking them. So I've come to the conclusion I'll eat something Wednesday and that'll be the last thing i'll have for a long time. If I take them Saturday I won't eat until Tuesday.

I don't even know if I'll eat much between now and Wednesday. My mind state isn't great and I have no appetite at all.

I told Kevin , the guy holding the houseparty that I know well I won't be able to eat if we're yoking for three days straight and he said I'll be a stick by Monday. I'm glad he didn't freak when I said I was ok with not eating for at least four days. Fair enough he gets it's because of the yokes but I know a few people who'd have a go at me for saying "I've accepted the fact I'll be having my last meal for quite some time on Wednesday."

I'll post on my other blog about how the Party went.


Stay Safe
xx

I've lost

I've lost a stone in a matter of weeks.

MDMA has stolen away my appetite. I don't eat on days where I know I will be taking it and after I can't eat properly for two days (unless it's really clean) so the days where I can eat are less than those where I can't and voila, lost weight.

It's weird losing weight without trying. I love it. It's way easier.

I mean there's the days where I can't eat because of the drugs but then there's still the regular days where I'll wake up and I won't want food. Like how I've always been. These regular days are normally followed by a binge but not anymore.

I know it's bad but I love it all the same.

The Week In Food

Monday (last week) - Nothing.
Tuesday - 2 low fat chocolate mousses, 2 slices of pizza (I was really hungry at the movie thing in college and I can't turn down free pizza when I'm hungry) and afterward I met some friends who got KFC and well one of them is my chicken buddy and took great offence when I turned down a piece of his chicken so I had to eat it. So Tuesday wasn't a good day.
Wednesday - Fasted.
Thursday - Fasted.
Friday - I woke up and almost fainted getting out of bed. My heart was racing and I started getting tunnel vision. It took me over two hours to get dressed, brush my hair and put on some make up because I had to keep lying down. So I drank a small glass of orange juice and a pint of water. Ate one small piece of dark chocolate and had one piece of crispbread. Not a lot of calories. Under 100. But it covered the possibility of me being dehydrated or having low blood sugar. I felt alot better later on in the day but getting into college and having to sit through a two hour lab and dissect a worm is not fun when you feel faint.
That night I also had a 3 in 1 from the chinese. Healthy, I know.
Saturday - Saturday I ate alot. I had a hamburger and 4 chicken nuggets from mcdonalds. I had roast chicken fillets and mashed potatoes when I got home and then I had a slice of cake I backed at my friends house.
Sunday - I stayed in a friends house Saturday night and we stayed in bed until at least 5pm the next day. It was such a lazy day. When we got up we didn't do much else. But I ended up craving pizza and of course I cracked. Also ate alot of kit kats and aero chocolate. So That's two days bad eating. It'll be made up for this week.
Today (monday) - I ate a toasted cheese sandwhich for breakfast so that's well over enough for today. I'm hungry but i've no appetite so I doubt that'll be too difficult.

I'm still here I swear

No point apologising that I haven't posted in ages. I always apologise and what does that change? I'm still going to take ages to post again the next time.

I just wanted to write so I'm up to date a little bit.

So.....

I'm just after starting my second semester in college. I'll be finished first year in no time. It hasn't started off too well. I have an assignment due at half two and i'm writing this?

I'm completely done with lads. I know people always say that after a few bad experiences but I'm actually getting rather afraid of guys showing interest in me. I've been hanging out with these guys I used to go to school with and I love being able to sit on their knees if needs be in the car or sleep in the same bed with if we go to a house party together but i'm terrified of either of them trying anything on. I like being comfortable with them but anything more always ruins everything.
But it is great fun with them. They always try kidnap me and get me stoned. We all went to one of their houses last Friday and took MDMA. It was such a good night. His sister has the coolest bed.

Food wise I haven't been eating much. Last Friday I ate about 4 skittle sweets and 5 malteasers throughout the entire day. Saturday I went to dinner for a birthday and I had absolutely no appetite after the MDMA. I ordered a chicken caeser salad with no dressing and I could barely finish half of it. Then we went clubbing and I was dancing like a mad yoke. You'd swear I was still drugged up.
 Sunday I ate a good bit though. Ended up meeting the lads again and they got KFC and gave me some chicken. Then we got chinese that night. Monday I'd no appetite again so fasted. This morning I ate one low fat chocolate mousse with like 60cals. Don't plan to eat till later tonight. I'm going to a social night in college to watch movies and there'll be pizza. I've a feeling I'll tell Kieran I had pizza but when it comes time to actually eat it I'll tell them all I already ate or I'm not in the mood for pizza. Movie should be good though.

That's about all I can think of at the moment. I'll try post again this week.
xx

He wants to make me fat

I was with my boyfriend today and we were messing around and he ended up lying on my back pinnng me to the ground (Long story haha). He said he was surprised how uncomfortable I was to lie on, that I had a boney back. He told me ages ago that he likes chubby girls, not exactly fat but he likes girls with a bit of meat on their bones. He said he was going to fatten me up. Fuck. I told him he can't do that, if he makes me fat i'll be sad all the time and does he want that? He said "Ah well, at least you won't be all skinny" and laughed like he was joking but he's serious isn't he. He's going to try make me fat... D=

I'm building up a repertoire (is that how it's spelt?)

I have safe foods. Low calorie foods mainly that I can eat without feeling guilty because even if I eat 6 of these things it's still way better than eating 6 of the full calorie option for said food. For example I found these chocolate mousse things that come in like a yogurt carton and only have 46 calories. You buy them in packs of six so even if I binged on them I'd only be able to have 276 cals where as if I bought full fat chocolate mousse there'd be around 125 cals per pot so 6 of those would be 750 which is alot worse. I also found these really filling chocolate cereal bars which have 98 cals each which is high enough but they're so filling that one would do me for lunch and keep the hunger away. They'd also be good for when I get chocolate cravings.

Also on my save foods list is: Melba toast (75 cals per packet), diet fanta (13 cals per 250ml bottle but this is really just a safe food for when I need a mixer when I go out drinking), raw carrot sticks, granny smiths, steamed and salted baby corn and brocolli cold for lunch, ice berg lettuce (25 cals for a bug bag), berries and berrie smoothies when made using low fat, low cal natural yogurt. Frozen orange juice (takes ages to eat since I freeze it in a mug) oh and there's these cranberry biscuity things I found which are good for breakfast and I can't remember exactly but are well under 100 cals. And then rice cakes of course =)

I'm sure there's more but I can't think of any. I wish I could just have safe foods and nothing else forever onwards =D

Bingy mac bingerson

I binged for 7 days straight...yup you heard me right. I hate myself.

Can't....stop.....binging!

I just spend ten minutes hitting my stomach with a can of hairspray really hard.

Why on earth can I not break out of this? I'm convinced I've, as they say, ED jumped but I think this is just more to do with my general EDNOSity. It just never lasts this long. I've binged 5 days straight and twice more this month but with a gap or restricting. I want college to just start already so I can go back to being distracted. I'm good at controlling myself at school so college should be the same, plus I'm walking loads at college because I have to walk back into town twice to meet my boyfriend on his breaks (at 1pm and at 4:45pm and then back to college) and my lectures are spaced apart some days and it's a BIG campus. The last day I packed my set lunch and food for the day and I stuck to it till I got home but I got home at 2pm while on normal days I'd be in the library till 6 so that won't happen when college is in full swing. I have such good intentions, veg and safe foods only and just water, no drinking alcohol more than twice a month and gym after college at least 4 times a week. No breaks at college, keep busy and moving or go to the river if I need a rest but no sitting with friends while they eat, that will attract attention. So I have high hopes....now I'm just waiting for them to burn.

Fingers crossed things will turn out different this time.
Stay save
xx

One step forward, 500 back

Crying again today.
And I'm back blaming other people.
Why do I do that? I know i'm the only one responsible.

My Dad asked why I spend all day in my room when I know I have one hundred and one jobs to do in not enough time and I told him it's because I'm stupid. He didn't like that. But I am. I know I need to get out of bed in the mornings. I know I need to finish cleaning my room (I was cleaning out all my old school books so my desk's empty for college but I gave up half way though and no the floors covered in books).

I'm so afraid of falling back into depression but it feels like nothing I do is helping me. Everything I do has more negative side affects than positive ones. Everything I say makes people angry at me, I hate it.

I start college soon and when I was reading about food on campus in the introduction booklet I actually pictured myself sitting at one of the cafes in one of the pictures they had staring at some food and thinking about how I can't eat it and I didn't want it. It was weird.

The intro booklet also had a section in relation to on campus doters and counsellors and the counsellors are free, I might go to one but I'm afraid. I won't go till I'm desperate, right now I'm in the early stages of depression, I can feel myself sinking deeper but that's just what it seems like when I think back to last time. I'll do all I can not to get as bad as last time, even if that means risking people finding out and going to a counsellor.

Bye, I guess.
xx

Forget planning, here's what really happened

So I always plan what I want to do in the upcoming days or weeks but I'm having a new approach. I'm going to post how my week actually goes, not just my plan, because I don't tend to do that.

Sooooo

So far this week I fasted Sunday and did the 100 workout , on Monday I did the 100 workout and fasted till about 11pm when my friends bought me food which I then tried to purge but only got a little bit up,  I fasted tuesday and went to the gym for an hour and did the 100 workout again too, fasted Wednesday but went out drinking as I got my final school results and had to celebrate but drinking on an empty stomach's not good and I got really sick so doubt much of the drink calories were properly absorbed, after I passed out in my friends bed I woke up and felt like I hadn't eaten in weeks so I had some noodles, then today I had to have dinner and I also had a bit of a binge on pasta and cheese toasties =( so today was bad but tomorrow I'm fasting and going to the gym to make up up for it and I'm fasting saturday and restricting Sunday.

But this wouldn't be one of my posts if I didn't plan just a little bit haha
So I plan to restrict Monday, fast tuesday and fast for as long as possible Wednesday but I'm going to a music festival with friends to see Eminem so I'll bring safe foods incase I feel faint coz it gets hot inside those crowds, then I can't fast Thursday but I'll do the 100 worout and some dancing in the afternoon and then I'm meeting Keith at around dinner time and I usually end up cooking him dinner =/ but we'll work it off later ;) then Fast Friday AND Saturday as my Dad's gone away and go kayacking or to the gym if I have the time :) I'll update again soon with how next week goes =)

Stay Safe
xx

First fast in god knows

Yay! I've finally done it and fasted again. It's been too long. I used to fast practically every single weekday. What happened? I started binging that's what! And I was so desperate not to gain weight through these binges I even resorted to trying to purge, thanks to my hopeless gag-reflex only 2 of these attemps were successfull and I didn't cross over to Bulimia.
All my attempts to break my binging cycle failed....till now! Yippee! You guys have no idea how happy I am. I know it seems silly. A one day fast is nothing sure, but it's the principle. I've been at home alone all day with free reign of the fridge and a car to make easy and quick journeys to the shop, with cravings for 99 ice cream cones that are still present and the shop is still selling them for another 45 mins, it's not too late my brain is telling me, there's still a chance to get a lovely creamy ice cream cone. Fuck off brain! Not today!

And now I have tomorrow to focus on. It's not too hard to fast when your at home alone all day when your minds set but it's another story when your out being bombarded by your cravings head on. I used to be good at sitting there drinking only water while my friends ordered proper dinners. What changed? I'm meant to be going to town tomorrow with two friends and this'll be my test because one of them loves food and whenever I ask her where she wants to go next in town she'll name out some fast food place or cheap restaurant.
Tuesday I'm going to the gym with a friend and after I'll just keep telling myself not to ruin all my time spent in the gym getting some disguisting greesy fast food in the village which is what she'll want to do.
Then Wednesday I get my Leaving Cert results and I'm going out that night, I'll be drinking vodka and orange juice because that's the lowest calorie drink I can think of that I like but I'll also have 6 mini cans of kopenburg mixed fruit because it's a celebration day (hopsfully)
So finers crossed that now until Wednesday will be good days at least.

Stay Strong
Xx

And we start again

Tomorrow is the 1st and I'm starting again, again. My Dad's gone on holidays and not home till monday next week so i'll use his absence as a jump start. I'm making out a plan and sticking to it so I'll be at least a little bit more body confident for the start of college, I don't want to go in there and end up cowering in a corner afraid what people think of me.

Soooo here is my plan for this week, scrap that, here's what i'm going to do. I'm making a plan becasue that's how i'm gong to break my binging cycle, i'm miserable like this, I can't stop eating and I fucking hate it! I hate myself. I hate going out and meeting friends. I'm barely able to hold a conversation without being  bombarded by horrible internal thoughts. I want to go back to when I could easily say no and when I did say no I was happy and it made my day knowing I wasn't controlled by food.

Okay enough ranting, here's the plan.

Monday (From when I wake up)

Water fast and go to the gym and go kayacking and do strength exercises in morning and evening.

Tuesday

Morning exercises. No breakfast. Go to town and collect phone, don't eat in town. Meet Keith, go home, don't eat for as long as possible but he's most likely staying over so i'll have to eat eventually, will most likely get a take out as I'm not bothered cooking for two.  We'll work it off later anyways ;)

Wednesday

Night exercises only if Keith stays over. Mandarine for breakfast. Go for a walk. Mr freezes and fruit popsicle for dinner (for the sugar cravings I'll probably be getting). Dance and jumprope in front of tv in evening.

Thursday

Morning and night exercises. No breakfast. Go to gym before 1 if possible.
Turkey stir fry with pleanty of veg and only a little bit of rice (also using one cal spray rather than oil for stir fry)
Relax in evening or go out with friends.

Friday

Morning and night exercises. No breakfast or lunch or snacks. Dinner only: Brocolli and cauliflower bake with chicken, no carbs. Use low cal white sauce and cheese in the bake. Go for a jog in the evening.

Saturday

Morning and night exercises. Juice fast.

Sunday

Binge. It's the last day I'm home alone and therefore the last day I can eat what ever I like without being judged so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to get up relatively early do as much exercise as I can before going to tesco and listening to my stomach and getting what ever I feel like. Then I'm going to go home, curl up on the couch and watch movies and eat till I feel ill and tired and fall asleep.

I hate looking back

I hate so many things. I hate how I hate so many things. I wish I could just wake up and be who I want to be. I'm sick of failure. Tired and weakened by despair and disappointment. I'm sick of depending on others and I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of never achieving my goals and I'm sick of the fact that I'm the reason to blame. I'm the only person standing between the me now and the me I strive to be. I can see my flaws but I still, after so many years, can't fix them.

I finish my exams tomorrow. That's me done with and thrown out into the real world. I'll be 18 soon and then that really will be it. I'll be an adult and I'll be alone with no one to fend for me anymore.

Mabye if I repeat it enough it will come true: I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin.     I WILL BE happy.

Who am I kidding? I set out with a plan, several plans, because I love plans but they all failed me because I failed myself. I'm giving this one last try. This Summer I WILL accomplish all the things on my change list (including the harder personality ones) and when I start college I WILL BE who I want to be finally.

I doubt I'll write on here much tbh. This was one of many good intensions which seem to be falling through. I'll try keep up the writing but I might just go back to writing in private to my future self (who will hopefully be the girl described on my list)

By for now :)
xxxx

Contemplations and bouts of normality

I have this calander in my room. Everynight I cross the day off with a big X. I use different markers depending on how the day went. Purple for a fast. Gold for a binge. Gree for a fast or under 1000 cals. Blue for normal or between 1000 and 2000 even if it's 1200 and far from normal.
Most months have been a mix of colours but not this month. It's been mainly blue with about three golds. I'm trying to be normal. I hate being on the end of either two spectrums. Sick from overeating or weak from undereating.

I'm not trying to recover. That still scares me. But I want to be less drastic in what I do from now on. I've had a few wake up calls. I need to change. I'm contemplating my options.

So here is my revised plan;

Breakfast
- Porridge is okay but not too much.
- wholeme4al bread is good but I have to watch the butter so I can only have one slice.
- Cereals such as oats&more, special K ect are allowed but only when eaten from one of hte small bowls (they are very small)
- Fruit and orange juice is encouraged.
(I'm trying to have breakfast anymore because it starts your metabolisma dn I think it'll help prevent binges, I won't get hungry so easily in school and eat everything I possibly can at lunch)

Lunch
- Fruits and vegetables are encouaged, try have two of each for lunch a day.
- Melba toast and the usuals are still allowed and on some days will do for full lunch.
- Meats are not allowed at lunch (no meat in sandwiches ect)
- No sweets or junk at lunch (it's not healty, empty calories and will start a sugar craving)
- Complex carbs are allowed but only in small quantities.
- As stated above, fruits and veg are encouraged, I'd prefer to just have fruit and melba toast for lunch.

Dinner
- Allowed to eat dinner without feeling guilty as long as I don't have seconds.
- Don't eat too many carbs ie have half a potato and don't finish it.
- Lots of veg, fill plate with fresh, raw veg.
- Chicken is good but don't just eat chicken everyday.
- Drink lots of water with meal.

Snacks
- Treats are allowed, mainly on weekends but not encouraged.
- Healthy treats include raisins, 0% fat yogurts, fruit, frozen orange juice, nuts (only in small quantities) and raw veg.
- Unhealthy snacks should be avoided, they make you feel sick, have no nutritional benefits and make you feel guilty.
- Exercise after unhealthy snacks is not manditory but encouaged.


Even that plan doesn't look normal. If I lived by that and my friends seen it they'd go mad. Oh well, it's still far healthier than the way I was. I'm hoping this will make me feel better inside, i've felt so sick these last few days. I also hoope that if I feel better inside I'll feel happier and that's really all I want.

Wish me luck.
XxXxXx

LaLaLaLife

Everything is a mess, but everything is also not a mess. Get me? Nah, didn't think so. Even I don't get me and I live with me.

So how come the minute I start meeting new people, socialising, being a normal teenager, my so called friends get mad at me, for no reason? I got completely ignored today by my best friend but when I asked her what was wrong she just said "nothing" and returns to being silent. The minute anyone else talks to her she's fine though, laughing, joking, being her usual self. So I know she's mad at me. I think it's because we went to this party and she didn't want to stay over night and I did, so her and Clara ended up getting a taxi back to her house at midnight. I'm sorry if I wanted to stay at the party and spend the night with Stephen (Long story why he's back) but come on, she was acting as if I'd murdered one of her dogs!

Here comes the long story (shortened down) about why he's back. So we went to the park on Friday and I got drunk and started climbing on this roof and Stephen (Found out how to spell his name properly lol) was minding me, trying to help me down off the roof when I got stuck at the top. Then he starting hugging me and saying stuff but he didn't act on anything, he told me at the house party the next day he didn't want to take advantage of me when I was drunk. At the house party we had lots of fun and he was really nice. We got to talk about lots of stuff and best of all he wasn't that drunk so he remembers everthing, That night we only got 3 hours sleep we were up so late talking. We slept in the same bed but that's all, i'm no slut. It was nice just being held. I spent all Sunday and practically all today with him too. And he's even started texting me. I'm really happy because after he told me he didn't want to go out I had given up on having anything with him. Plus nothing good ever comes my way. This could be my something good. My break from such a horrible year.

In english today my teacher raffled off an Easter egg and deep down, while evryone was crossing their fingers hoping for thier name to be called I was counting the odds that I'd be picked and wishing against them, and against the odds anyone I was remotely friends with would win either. I wanted nothing to do with that stupid easter egg.

My dad has finally agreed to stop buying me Jaffa cakes, I've been pleading with him to stop buying them for ages and he keeps saying "No, you just have to learn to control yourself around them". They're my weakness! I can't control myself around them! Give me anything else and I can say no. Just not them!

Got called fat today. Many times. My stephen <.<  He was calling himself fat, which is far from the truth, so I told him If I he was fat then I must be obese and he said "No, just fat". I know he was messing, but it still hurt. I laughed it off my saying "Well if you think your fat then I'll take being called fat from you a compliment". I don't want to eat tomorrow..

It'sEaster holidays soon and they couldn't come sooner. I need to study over them though. I'm so far behind in Geography and French. It'll be hard though, there's so many plans I've already made for the hols. They include many trips to the gym and fast days. Busy days and cleaning days so pre-occupy my mind and keep my busy. Study makes me hungry, Hanging around with friends doesn't.

I've got to say sorry, my posts are always so long. And boring I'm sure.
I'm off to bed now. Nighty Night.
xXxXx

Let's start over

Hi.

Lets start this again.

I'm stuck in a rut and I don't know how to get out of it. Usually, I have to start something from the start of the day. If one thing goes wrong I let it ruin my day and I don't even try to salvage the rest of the day.

I've gained weight and I found pictures of me last year, and oh god, I had a frickin leg gap and it's all gone. Why did I let that happen? I need to turn things around.

So something happened today. I purged. I've never done that before. I wanted to but I guess I was too afraid to try and do it properly.

You see, my dad's gone to some confirmation thing and instead of studying for my French oral exam I ate. And ate, And then, for a change, I ate some more.

For as long as I can remember, I've never really been full. When I was younger I could eat my brother under the table and  all the adults were always so impressed. (Then one day they started telling me I'd balloon up when I hit 20 if I kept eating so much so I tried to stop eating and here we are).

However, today I felt full and when I tried to stand up I couldn't. I literally couldn't stretch my abdomen to be straight and I just felt terrible. It really hurt. So I ran into the bathroom and made myself sick. Then when I stood up I felt fine. I looked in the mirror and just smiled. Here's my chance to change my day and the ones which follow. It's like I turned the clock back to before I ate all that stuff.

I want to change. What I'm doing at the moment is a lose lose situation. I'm not losing weight and I'm not being healthy. So here's my choice, be healthy and lose a bit of weight and be ordinary OR be unhealthy but lose lots of weight quickly and be EXTRAordinary. I think I'll choose the latter, I'm unhealthy at the moment and it's not that bad.

Oh and on a side note, Steven turned out to be a jerk so bye to him. He's just going to be the guy I get with when I'm drunk and I've lost all my friends on a night out =P

I've started thinking about college and I can't wait to meet people who aren't complete idiots and who actually want to do something with their lives.

I'm not Happy right now and I need things to change. So I'll post my checklist separate to this and I'm going to try really hard to achieve my goals.

Love & Peace & Happiness

XoXo

I hate myself

I really do.
I don't understand where all this self loathing came from.
It just sorta creeped up on me while I slept.
I spent about an hour in my room today doing random exercises and hitting myself with my fists. I refused to cut. I need these scars to heal and disappear (or at least fade). I need to leave that part of me in the past. But I need a way to hurt myself. How else do I punnish myself for alt he stupid things I do?

I'm so out of control these days. I still find it incredible how fast things can change. One day things are great. Couldn't be better. The next they couldn't be worse.

I need to fast. This isn't a want anymore. It's a downright must happen. Needs to happen. Has to happen. I don't want to eat at all this week. I'm going to a party on saturday and I must have spend at least an hour the last day trying on dresses for it. I can't find anything I feel comfortable in to wear and I own alot of dresses. I found one dress actually but I hate my arms in it. So i've kicked up the exercises at night and i'm focusing solely on my arms at the moment. Not sure if it'll help. If i eat i'll stay fat forever. I need to stop this shit. My mind is so split though. At this very moment i'm thinking "Fast tomorrow. Up until 7 at least (I've a birthday party tomorrow to go to and i'll have to eat then)" but i'm also thinking "Dad's going somewhere tomorrow until 6. I can eat whatever I want and he won't judge me! There's so much nice stuff in the kitchen!" "No stop thinking that! That's not nice stuff, that's horrible condensed fat!" And so on so on.

So I want to fast monday through to Friday after normal study but I don't know if i'll be able. I might fast monday and tuesday and eat 200 cals Wednesday. Fast Thursday and Restrict to under 350 Friday. Fast Saturday and Restrict Sunday along with two hours  in the gym to burn up to 1000 cals total (I can burn 500 an hour by fast walking on the treadmill on full incline) So that's the plan and I'm going to try really hard to abide by it. I'm sick of sounding like a broken record. I need to stick to my plan for once!

I really hope the party next week is fun. I need to ask Steven some serious questions. He's being very strange and I need to know he actually likes me and isn't just stringing me along in the hopes I'll sleep with him. Of course I'm not going to ask him that straight out but I need to know he actually likes me properly. Fingers crossed he does. He seems like a nice guy but you never know. I haven't got the best luck with guys.
Infact I haven't got the best luck with anything.

I'm going to go hate myself some more. I'll write Monday night to confirm I'm fasting. Mabye I won't crack if I know i'll have to face posting my failure for all to see. I hate failure. Almost as much as I hate myself right now =/
Wish me luck. I'm going to need it.
Stay lovely
XxXx

2 months left!

I had a shock today. But while most people are getting a shock due to the fact that there isn't much time left before the leaving cert starts, i'm shocked at how little time I have left to get down to my goal weight for Summer and I need to take proper advantage of doing late study. I was doing great for ages but my own greed got the better of me and now I only really restrict or eat what I classify as normal (ie 1000-1500) but I want to fast! I need to lose 30lbs by the um 17th of June I think it is. So ya I'm going to start going to the gym every sunday for two hours. I went yesterday and I was burning 525 calories per/hr according to the machine when I was on the tredmill but I spent an hour on the air walker and only burnt 300 calories. Then I bunt a further 200 on the treadmill so 500 total in like 45 mins.This Sunday I want to burn at least 1000 in the gym and then i'm going to go swimming. My Dad's gone away again so I can stay in there all ady if I wantt to lol. I'd love to try burn 3500 cals in one go so I can lose a pound but that'd take like 7 hours? so Ya I won;'t be doing that.

It's my friend Clara's birthday on Sunday but her party is on Saturday and I'm baking her a cake, loads of cuupcakes and making home made choclates for her with Megan tomorrow. Then on Saturday we're going drinking in town and I know well i'll end up binging on chinese food or something. Then next week it's st.Patricks day and we have the Thursday and Friday off so I can't fast those days so I really, really, unbelievably want to fast Monday to Wednesday. I'll do it! Positive thinking! =D
Oh who am I kidding? I've the worst fricking control =(

But I won't let that bring me down. I'm losing, slowly, but still losing. I can fell it. Not on the scales. They haven't changed yet but I can feel it when I wake up. My gap is definetly returning and my legs are much more toned too. My calves are really toned! and when I stand with my arms against my sides they don't cause fat to push out on my upperarms (I really don't know how to explain this but basically my arms are thinner) and my stomach is flatter in the mornings, now to have it flat all day.

Oh and I got some of my mocks back. So far I have 325 points with 600 being the most you can get. I still have two more to get back too. I got the total possible amount of marks that I could get in LCVP which is a distinction or the equivilent to a C1 in a normal class so 70 points there. Then I got an A2 in Biology and Home Ec so that's 90 points in each. I got 74% in English which is 1% off a B2 so sadly I only got a B3 so that's 75 points. I'm getting French back tomorrow and Geography soon. Then I'll get Irish and maths back but I only need to use the points from my 6 best subjects and that won't include maths or Irish.
If I get this good in the actual Leaving Cert I'll be the happiest girl in the world.

And a quick update about Steven. We had a half day yesterday so I asked him if he wanted to hang out after school. He said he had to cook dinner but he could hang out for like 40 minutes so we just sat in my car in his estate. I really tried to make conversation but he's not the best at making conversation. He told me he's not great at talking to girls so taking that into account it went well. He still doesn't really talk to me in school but I walked out with him after school today and I made so much of an effort to have a good conversation with him with no silences or pauses and it worked, there were none. And I got to give him a proper hug for once, usually the're awkward quick ones in the halls where one of us is kinda sideways. He's going to oxegen this summer and I'm going too and I really hope we start going out properly so we can go together. I'd love that so much. Plus he loves Coldplay as much as I do and Coldplay are going. I can't wait!
Oh and on a slightly creepy note, I love the way he smells! I'm not sure if he wears some sort of lynx stuff or something or if it's just him naturally (If it's him naturally then wow that's amazing lol) but mmm I could still smell him when I was in study after hugging him. That sounds so weird I know but if you could smell him you'd understand.

Well sorry now that was more than a quick not on Steven and here I thought I was going to talk about my food life. Stupid food life <.<
So ya, sorry if I haven't got too much to say about my um food life, it's been the sme for a while now, it usually changes with the weather but no, for once it's steady. Steadily bad that is.

Talk soon, I'll try have better food news. Mabye next time I come on I'll magically be 30lbs lighter and at my first goal. And mabye pigs will fly. *Fingers crossed*
XxX