So I always plan what I want to do in the upcoming days or weeks but I'm having a new approach. I'm going to post how my week actually goes, not just my plan, because I don't tend to do that.
Sooooo
So far this week I fasted Sunday and did the 100 workout , on Monday I did the 100 workout and fasted till about 11pm when my friends bought me food which I then tried to purge but only got a little bit up, I fasted tuesday and went to the gym for an hour and did the 100 workout again too, fasted Wednesday but went out drinking as I got my final school results and had to celebrate but drinking on an empty stomach's not good and I got really sick so doubt much of the drink calories were properly absorbed, after I passed out in my friends bed I woke up and felt like I hadn't eaten in weeks so I had some noodles, then today I had to have dinner and I also had a bit of a binge on pasta and cheese toasties =( so today was bad but tomorrow I'm fasting and going to the gym to make up up for it and I'm fasting saturday and restricting Sunday.
But this wouldn't be one of my posts if I didn't plan just a little bit haha
So I plan to restrict Monday, fast tuesday and fast for as long as possible Wednesday but I'm going to a music festival with friends to see Eminem so I'll bring safe foods incase I feel faint coz it gets hot inside those crowds, then I can't fast Thursday but I'll do the 100 worout and some dancing in the afternoon and then I'm meeting Keith at around dinner time and I usually end up cooking him dinner =/ but we'll work it off later ;) then Fast Friday AND Saturday as my Dad's gone away and go kayacking or to the gym if I have the time :) I'll update again soon with how next week goes =)
Stay Safe
xx
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Thursday, August 18, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
First fast in god knows
Yay! I've finally done it and fasted again. It's been too long. I used to fast practically every single weekday. What happened? I started binging that's what! And I was so desperate not to gain weight through these binges I even resorted to trying to purge, thanks to my hopeless gag-reflex only 2 of these attemps were successfull and I didn't cross over to Bulimia.
All my attempts to break my binging cycle failed....till now! Yippee! You guys have no idea how happy I am. I know it seems silly. A one day fast is nothing sure, but it's the principle. I've been at home alone all day with free reign of the fridge and a car to make easy and quick journeys to the shop, with cravings for 99 ice cream cones that are still present and the shop is still selling them for another 45 mins, it's not too late my brain is telling me, there's still a chance to get a lovely creamy ice cream cone. Fuck off brain! Not today!
And now I have tomorrow to focus on. It's not too hard to fast when your at home alone all day when your minds set but it's another story when your out being bombarded by your cravings head on. I used to be good at sitting there drinking only water while my friends ordered proper dinners. What changed? I'm meant to be going to town tomorrow with two friends and this'll be my test because one of them loves food and whenever I ask her where she wants to go next in town she'll name out some fast food place or cheap restaurant.
Tuesday I'm going to the gym with a friend and after I'll just keep telling myself not to ruin all my time spent in the gym getting some disguisting greesy fast food in the village which is what she'll want to do.
Then Wednesday I get my Leaving Cert results and I'm going out that night, I'll be drinking vodka and orange juice because that's the lowest calorie drink I can think of that I like but I'll also have 6 mini cans of kopenburg mixed fruit because it's a celebration day (hopsfully)
So finers crossed that now until Wednesday will be good days at least.
Stay Strong
Xx
All my attempts to break my binging cycle failed....till now! Yippee! You guys have no idea how happy I am. I know it seems silly. A one day fast is nothing sure, but it's the principle. I've been at home alone all day with free reign of the fridge and a car to make easy and quick journeys to the shop, with cravings for 99 ice cream cones that are still present and the shop is still selling them for another 45 mins, it's not too late my brain is telling me, there's still a chance to get a lovely creamy ice cream cone. Fuck off brain! Not today!
And now I have tomorrow to focus on. It's not too hard to fast when your at home alone all day when your minds set but it's another story when your out being bombarded by your cravings head on. I used to be good at sitting there drinking only water while my friends ordered proper dinners. What changed? I'm meant to be going to town tomorrow with two friends and this'll be my test because one of them loves food and whenever I ask her where she wants to go next in town she'll name out some fast food place or cheap restaurant.
Tuesday I'm going to the gym with a friend and after I'll just keep telling myself not to ruin all my time spent in the gym getting some disguisting greesy fast food in the village which is what she'll want to do.
Then Wednesday I get my Leaving Cert results and I'm going out that night, I'll be drinking vodka and orange juice because that's the lowest calorie drink I can think of that I like but I'll also have 6 mini cans of kopenburg mixed fruit because it's a celebration day (hopsfully)
So finers crossed that now until Wednesday will be good days at least.
Stay Strong
Xx
Sunday, July 31, 2011
And we start again
Tomorrow is the 1st and I'm starting again, again. My Dad's gone on holidays and not home till monday next week so i'll use his absence as a jump start. I'm making out a plan and sticking to it so I'll be at least a little bit more body confident for the start of college, I don't want to go in there and end up cowering in a corner afraid what people think of me.
Soooo here is my plan for this week, scrap that, here's what i'm going to do. I'm making a plan becasue that's how i'm gong to break my binging cycle, i'm miserable like this, I can't stop eating and I fucking hate it! I hate myself. I hate going out and meeting friends. I'm barely able to hold a conversation without being bombarded by horrible internal thoughts. I want to go back to when I could easily say no and when I did say no I was happy and it made my day knowing I wasn't controlled by food.
Okay enough ranting, here's the plan.
Monday (From when I wake up)
Water fast and go to the gym and go kayacking and do strength exercises in morning and evening.
Tuesday
Morning exercises. No breakfast. Go to town and collect phone, don't eat in town. Meet Keith, go home, don't eat for as long as possible but he's most likely staying over so i'll have to eat eventually, will most likely get a take out as I'm not bothered cooking for two. We'll work it off later anyways ;)
Wednesday
Night exercises only if Keith stays over. Mandarine for breakfast. Go for a walk. Mr freezes and fruit popsicle for dinner (for the sugar cravings I'll probably be getting). Dance and jumprope in front of tv in evening.
Thursday
Morning and night exercises. No breakfast. Go to gym before 1 if possible.
Turkey stir fry with pleanty of veg and only a little bit of rice (also using one cal spray rather than oil for stir fry)
Relax in evening or go out with friends.
Friday
Morning and night exercises. No breakfast or lunch or snacks. Dinner only: Brocolli and cauliflower bake with chicken, no carbs. Use low cal white sauce and cheese in the bake. Go for a jog in the evening.
Saturday
Morning and night exercises. Juice fast.
Sunday
Binge. It's the last day I'm home alone and therefore the last day I can eat what ever I like without being judged so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to get up relatively early do as much exercise as I can before going to tesco and listening to my stomach and getting what ever I feel like. Then I'm going to go home, curl up on the couch and watch movies and eat till I feel ill and tired and fall asleep.
Soooo here is my plan for this week, scrap that, here's what i'm going to do. I'm making a plan becasue that's how i'm gong to break my binging cycle, i'm miserable like this, I can't stop eating and I fucking hate it! I hate myself. I hate going out and meeting friends. I'm barely able to hold a conversation without being bombarded by horrible internal thoughts. I want to go back to when I could easily say no and when I did say no I was happy and it made my day knowing I wasn't controlled by food.
Okay enough ranting, here's the plan.
Monday (From when I wake up)
Water fast and go to the gym and go kayacking and do strength exercises in morning and evening.
Tuesday
Morning exercises. No breakfast. Go to town and collect phone, don't eat in town. Meet Keith, go home, don't eat for as long as possible but he's most likely staying over so i'll have to eat eventually, will most likely get a take out as I'm not bothered cooking for two. We'll work it off later anyways ;)
Wednesday
Night exercises only if Keith stays over. Mandarine for breakfast. Go for a walk. Mr freezes and fruit popsicle for dinner (for the sugar cravings I'll probably be getting). Dance and jumprope in front of tv in evening.
Thursday
Morning and night exercises. No breakfast. Go to gym before 1 if possible.
Turkey stir fry with pleanty of veg and only a little bit of rice (also using one cal spray rather than oil for stir fry)
Relax in evening or go out with friends.
Friday
Morning and night exercises. No breakfast or lunch or snacks. Dinner only: Brocolli and cauliflower bake with chicken, no carbs. Use low cal white sauce and cheese in the bake. Go for a jog in the evening.
Saturday
Morning and night exercises. Juice fast.
Sunday
Binge. It's the last day I'm home alone and therefore the last day I can eat what ever I like without being judged so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to get up relatively early do as much exercise as I can before going to tesco and listening to my stomach and getting what ever I feel like. Then I'm going to go home, curl up on the couch and watch movies and eat till I feel ill and tired and fall asleep.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I hate looking back
I hate so many things. I hate how I hate so many things. I wish I could just wake up and be who I want to be. I'm sick of failure. Tired and weakened by despair and disappointment. I'm sick of depending on others and I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of never achieving my goals and I'm sick of the fact that I'm the reason to blame. I'm the only person standing between the me now and the me I strive to be. I can see my flaws but I still, after so many years, can't fix them.
I finish my exams tomorrow. That's me done with and thrown out into the real world. I'll be 18 soon and then that really will be it. I'll be an adult and I'll be alone with no one to fend for me anymore.
Mabye if I repeat it enough it will come true: I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin. I WILL BE happy.
Who am I kidding? I set out with a plan, several plans, because I love plans but they all failed me because I failed myself. I'm giving this one last try. This Summer I WILL accomplish all the things on my change list (including the harder personality ones) and when I start college I WILL BE who I want to be finally.
I doubt I'll write on here much tbh. This was one of many good intensions which seem to be falling through. I'll try keep up the writing but I might just go back to writing in private to my future self (who will hopefully be the girl described on my list)
By for now :)
xxxx
I finish my exams tomorrow. That's me done with and thrown out into the real world. I'll be 18 soon and then that really will be it. I'll be an adult and I'll be alone with no one to fend for me anymore.
Mabye if I repeat it enough it will come true: I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin. I WILL BE happy.
Who am I kidding? I set out with a plan, several plans, because I love plans but they all failed me because I failed myself. I'm giving this one last try. This Summer I WILL accomplish all the things on my change list (including the harder personality ones) and when I start college I WILL BE who I want to be finally.
I doubt I'll write on here much tbh. This was one of many good intensions which seem to be falling through. I'll try keep up the writing but I might just go back to writing in private to my future self (who will hopefully be the girl described on my list)
By for now :)
xxxx
Friday, April 15, 2011
Contemplations and bouts of normality
I have this calander in my room. Everynight I cross the day off with a big X. I use different markers depending on how the day went. Purple for a fast. Gold for a binge. Gree for a fast or under 1000 cals. Blue for normal or between 1000 and 2000 even if it's 1200 and far from normal.
Most months have been a mix of colours but not this month. It's been mainly blue with about three golds. I'm trying to be normal. I hate being on the end of either two spectrums. Sick from overeating or weak from undereating.
I'm not trying to recover. That still scares me. But I want to be less drastic in what I do from now on. I've had a few wake up calls. I need to change. I'm contemplating my options.
So here is my revised plan;
Breakfast
- Porridge is okay but not too much.
- wholeme4al bread is good but I have to watch the butter so I can only have one slice.
- Cereals such as oats&more, special K ect are allowed but only when eaten from one of hte small bowls (they are very small)
- Fruit and orange juice is encouraged.
(I'm trying to have breakfast anymore because it starts your metabolisma dn I think it'll help prevent binges, I won't get hungry so easily in school and eat everything I possibly can at lunch)
Lunch
- Fruits and vegetables are encouaged, try have two of each for lunch a day.
- Melba toast and the usuals are still allowed and on some days will do for full lunch.
- Meats are not allowed at lunch (no meat in sandwiches ect)
- No sweets or junk at lunch (it's not healty, empty calories and will start a sugar craving)
- Complex carbs are allowed but only in small quantities.
- As stated above, fruits and veg are encouraged, I'd prefer to just have fruit and melba toast for lunch.
Dinner
- Allowed to eat dinner without feeling guilty as long as I don't have seconds.
- Don't eat too many carbs ie have half a potato and don't finish it.
- Lots of veg, fill plate with fresh, raw veg.
- Chicken is good but don't just eat chicken everyday.
- Drink lots of water with meal.
Snacks
- Treats are allowed, mainly on weekends but not encouraged.
- Healthy treats include raisins, 0% fat yogurts, fruit, frozen orange juice, nuts (only in small quantities) and raw veg.
- Unhealthy snacks should be avoided, they make you feel sick, have no nutritional benefits and make you feel guilty.
- Exercise after unhealthy snacks is not manditory but encouaged.
Even that plan doesn't look normal. If I lived by that and my friends seen it they'd go mad. Oh well, it's still far healthier than the way I was. I'm hoping this will make me feel better inside, i've felt so sick these last few days. I also hoope that if I feel better inside I'll feel happier and that's really all I want.
Wish me luck.
XxXxXx
Most months have been a mix of colours but not this month. It's been mainly blue with about three golds. I'm trying to be normal. I hate being on the end of either two spectrums. Sick from overeating or weak from undereating.
I'm not trying to recover. That still scares me. But I want to be less drastic in what I do from now on. I've had a few wake up calls. I need to change. I'm contemplating my options.
So here is my revised plan;
Breakfast
- Porridge is okay but not too much.
- wholeme4al bread is good but I have to watch the butter so I can only have one slice.
- Cereals such as oats&more, special K ect are allowed but only when eaten from one of hte small bowls (they are very small)
- Fruit and orange juice is encouraged.
(I'm trying to have breakfast anymore because it starts your metabolisma dn I think it'll help prevent binges, I won't get hungry so easily in school and eat everything I possibly can at lunch)
Lunch
- Fruits and vegetables are encouaged, try have two of each for lunch a day.
- Melba toast and the usuals are still allowed and on some days will do for full lunch.
- Meats are not allowed at lunch (no meat in sandwiches ect)
- No sweets or junk at lunch (it's not healty, empty calories and will start a sugar craving)
- Complex carbs are allowed but only in small quantities.
- As stated above, fruits and veg are encouraged, I'd prefer to just have fruit and melba toast for lunch.
Dinner
- Allowed to eat dinner without feeling guilty as long as I don't have seconds.
- Don't eat too many carbs ie have half a potato and don't finish it.
- Lots of veg, fill plate with fresh, raw veg.
- Chicken is good but don't just eat chicken everyday.
- Drink lots of water with meal.
Snacks
- Treats are allowed, mainly on weekends but not encouraged.
- Healthy treats include raisins, 0% fat yogurts, fruit, frozen orange juice, nuts (only in small quantities) and raw veg.
- Unhealthy snacks should be avoided, they make you feel sick, have no nutritional benefits and make you feel guilty.
- Exercise after unhealthy snacks is not manditory but encouaged.
Even that plan doesn't look normal. If I lived by that and my friends seen it they'd go mad. Oh well, it's still far healthier than the way I was. I'm hoping this will make me feel better inside, i've felt so sick these last few days. I also hoope that if I feel better inside I'll feel happier and that's really all I want.
Wish me luck.
XxXxXx
Monday, April 11, 2011
LaLaLaLife
Everything is a mess, but everything is also not a mess. Get me? Nah, didn't think so. Even I don't get me and I live with me.
So how come the minute I start meeting new people, socialising, being a normal teenager, my so called friends get mad at me, for no reason? I got completely ignored today by my best friend but when I asked her what was wrong she just said "nothing" and returns to being silent. The minute anyone else talks to her she's fine though, laughing, joking, being her usual self. So I know she's mad at me. I think it's because we went to this party and she didn't want to stay over night and I did, so her and Clara ended up getting a taxi back to her house at midnight. I'm sorry if I wanted to stay at the party and spend the night with Stephen (Long story why he's back) but come on, she was acting as if I'd murdered one of her dogs!
Here comes the long story (shortened down) about why he's back. So we went to the park on Friday and I got drunk and started climbing on this roof and Stephen (Found out how to spell his name properly lol) was minding me, trying to help me down off the roof when I got stuck at the top. Then he starting hugging me and saying stuff but he didn't act on anything, he told me at the house party the next day he didn't want to take advantage of me when I was drunk. At the house party we had lots of fun and he was really nice. We got to talk about lots of stuff and best of all he wasn't that drunk so he remembers everthing, That night we only got 3 hours sleep we were up so late talking. We slept in the same bed but that's all, i'm no slut. It was nice just being held. I spent all Sunday and practically all today with him too. And he's even started texting me. I'm really happy because after he told me he didn't want to go out I had given up on having anything with him. Plus nothing good ever comes my way. This could be my something good. My break from such a horrible year.
In english today my teacher raffled off an Easter egg and deep down, while evryone was crossing their fingers hoping for thier name to be called I was counting the odds that I'd be picked and wishing against them, and against the odds anyone I was remotely friends with would win either. I wanted nothing to do with that stupid easter egg.
My dad has finally agreed to stop buying me Jaffa cakes, I've been pleading with him to stop buying them for ages and he keeps saying "No, you just have to learn to control yourself around them". They're my weakness! I can't control myself around them! Give me anything else and I can say no. Just not them!
Got called fat today. Many times. My stephen <.< He was calling himself fat, which is far from the truth, so I told him If I he was fat then I must be obese and he said "No, just fat". I know he was messing, but it still hurt. I laughed it off my saying "Well if you think your fat then I'll take being called fat from you a compliment". I don't want to eat tomorrow..
It'sEaster holidays soon and they couldn't come sooner. I need to study over them though. I'm so far behind in Geography and French. It'll be hard though, there's so many plans I've already made for the hols. They include many trips to the gym and fast days. Busy days and cleaning days so pre-occupy my mind and keep my busy. Study makes me hungry, Hanging around with friends doesn't.
I've got to say sorry, my posts are always so long. And boring I'm sure.
I'm off to bed now. Nighty Night.
xXxXx
So how come the minute I start meeting new people, socialising, being a normal teenager, my so called friends get mad at me, for no reason? I got completely ignored today by my best friend but when I asked her what was wrong she just said "nothing" and returns to being silent. The minute anyone else talks to her she's fine though, laughing, joking, being her usual self. So I know she's mad at me. I think it's because we went to this party and she didn't want to stay over night and I did, so her and Clara ended up getting a taxi back to her house at midnight. I'm sorry if I wanted to stay at the party and spend the night with Stephen (Long story why he's back) but come on, she was acting as if I'd murdered one of her dogs!
Here comes the long story (shortened down) about why he's back. So we went to the park on Friday and I got drunk and started climbing on this roof and Stephen (Found out how to spell his name properly lol) was minding me, trying to help me down off the roof when I got stuck at the top. Then he starting hugging me and saying stuff but he didn't act on anything, he told me at the house party the next day he didn't want to take advantage of me when I was drunk. At the house party we had lots of fun and he was really nice. We got to talk about lots of stuff and best of all he wasn't that drunk so he remembers everthing, That night we only got 3 hours sleep we were up so late talking. We slept in the same bed but that's all, i'm no slut. It was nice just being held. I spent all Sunday and practically all today with him too. And he's even started texting me. I'm really happy because after he told me he didn't want to go out I had given up on having anything with him. Plus nothing good ever comes my way. This could be my something good. My break from such a horrible year.
In english today my teacher raffled off an Easter egg and deep down, while evryone was crossing their fingers hoping for thier name to be called I was counting the odds that I'd be picked and wishing against them, and against the odds anyone I was remotely friends with would win either. I wanted nothing to do with that stupid easter egg.
My dad has finally agreed to stop buying me Jaffa cakes, I've been pleading with him to stop buying them for ages and he keeps saying "No, you just have to learn to control yourself around them". They're my weakness! I can't control myself around them! Give me anything else and I can say no. Just not them!
Got called fat today. Many times. My stephen <.< He was calling himself fat, which is far from the truth, so I told him If I he was fat then I must be obese and he said "No, just fat". I know he was messing, but it still hurt. I laughed it off my saying "Well if you think your fat then I'll take being called fat from you a compliment". I don't want to eat tomorrow..
It'sEaster holidays soon and they couldn't come sooner. I need to study over them though. I'm so far behind in Geography and French. It'll be hard though, there's so many plans I've already made for the hols. They include many trips to the gym and fast days. Busy days and cleaning days so pre-occupy my mind and keep my busy. Study makes me hungry, Hanging around with friends doesn't.
I've got to say sorry, my posts are always so long. And boring I'm sure.
I'm off to bed now. Nighty Night.
xXxXx
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Let's start over
Hi.
Lets start this again.
I'm stuck in a rut and I don't know how to get out of it. Usually, I have to start something from the start of the day. If one thing goes wrong I let it ruin my day and I don't even try to salvage the rest of the day.
I've gained weight and I found pictures of me last year, and oh god, I had a frickin leg gap and it's all gone. Why did I let that happen? I need to turn things around.
So something happened today. I purged. I've never done that before. I wanted to but I guess I was too afraid to try and do it properly.
You see, my dad's gone to some confirmation thing and instead of studying for my French oral exam I ate. And ate, And then, for a change, I ate some more.
For as long as I can remember, I've never really been full. When I was younger I could eat my brother under the table and all the adults were always so impressed. (Then one day they started telling me I'd balloon up when I hit 20 if I kept eating so much so I tried to stop eating and here we are).
However, today I felt full and when I tried to stand up I couldn't. I literally couldn't stretch my abdomen to be straight and I just felt terrible. It really hurt. So I ran into the bathroom and made myself sick. Then when I stood up I felt fine. I looked in the mirror and just smiled. Here's my chance to change my day and the ones which follow. It's like I turned the clock back to before I ate all that stuff.
I want to change. What I'm doing at the moment is a lose lose situation. I'm not losing weight and I'm not being healthy. So here's my choice, be healthy and lose a bit of weight and be ordinary OR be unhealthy but lose lots of weight quickly and be EXTRAordinary. I think I'll choose the latter, I'm unhealthy at the moment and it's not that bad.
Oh and on a side note, Steven turned out to be a jerk so bye to him. He's just going to be the guy I get with when I'm drunk and I've lost all my friends on a night out =P
I've started thinking about college and I can't wait to meet people who aren't complete idiots and who actually want to do something with their lives.
I'm not Happy right now and I need things to change. So I'll post my checklist separate to this and I'm going to try really hard to achieve my goals.
Love & Peace & Happiness
XoXo
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