How easily my day can change.

I wake up.
I feel empty, hungry I guess.
I sneak into my dads room and weigh myself.
I've lost 3 pounds. As soon as I eat anything i'll gain it all back. It's not actual weight lost.
I go downstairs and start my study.
At lunch time I have break a portion of noodles (340 calories, too much) into half (170 calories, acceptable).
Then I have a litre of water and a handful of minstrels (211 calories, I tell myself it's a once off)
I study more. My mind wanders back to the remaining minsterels in the fridge. I can't resist (300 calories, damn it!)
My dad leaves. I go watch tv with a packet of melba toast (75cals) and some frozen orange juice (I don't count fruit and vegetable calories)
Then I go get crisps (95cals.) Then more (105 cals)
Then I go get more melba toast but stop myslef.
Watch more TV.
Try study.
Can't.
Computer.
Dad comes home.
Mary comes over. Brings playstation
I play on the playstation while they cook dinner, garlic bread (god knows, i'm guessing 240 cals), steak (340) two spoons of mash potato (200), veg.
Dessert, lemon cake slice, low fat version (75 cals)
Dad asks Mary why she bought  the crisps, she says they're Cians (her son), he tells her to take them home. I tell him i'll eat them.
He throws me a packet (95 cals. Fat Pig!)
Another cake slice (75cals, Thank God it's low fat.)

I feel fat. I am fat. I've ruined what i worked at all weekend.

Planned total cals = 600.
If i had only eaten my planned lunch and dinner = 950
Total calories = 1,970
Binge calories = 1,020

Tomorrow i'm not eating in school, and for dinner i'm only eating the veg and nibbles of everything else so it looks like I ate it. Fuck this, i'm not gaining back all I lost. I hate waking up feeling happy and going back to bed feeling like shit.


On a plus side, in 5 days, i should have eaten 10,000 calories (recommended 2,000 cals by 5 days) but I only ate 3,068. An undereat of 6,932 calories =)
(I fasted Friday and Saturday. Ate 466 cals Sunday. 632 cals Monday)

Fasting

I noticed something.
I broke out of my cycle of what i called 'fake hunger'.
Fake hunger to me is when you get into a routine of eating a certain meal at a certain time and then if you miss that meal at that time you become hungry because your mind thinks it's time to eat.
You mightn't even be hungry at all.
I used to be hungry by 11am if i skipped breakfast.
Now i don't begin to even feel the slightest twinge of hunger until i get home at around half 6. And even then, its bearable.
I'm not saying that by breaking out of this 'fake hunger' cycle i'll never feel hungry again.
Just that now i'll begin to know when my body really needs the food.
Not just when i need it. Mentally.

On Friday i fasted by mistake. It wasn't planned. I usually plan the days i'll fast.
It just happened.
I woke up late, no time for breakfast.
I was busy at lunch with a debs committee meeting.
After school i went home with my friends and there wasn't enough time to eat anything because we were going to the cinema. My friend got popcorn there and i tasted it. It wasn't nice so i didn't want any.
When i came home after i realised i hadn't eaten anything. I felt great to tell the truth.
It's been a while since i've successfully fasted.
Usually I just try and eat as little as possible.

This morning, I planned to fast again but when i got home after my maths grinds my dad had cooked sausages. He kept telling me to eat mine while they was hot. I didn't know how i'd get out of it but his phone rang, so i quickly wrapped the food in kitchen paper and chucked it in the bin. Then I retreated to my room to read. I feel safe in my room.
Then i put up all the christmas decorations and the tree.
My Dad's going out to dinner tonight so i thought "great, no dinner for me" but he cooked chicken because it was going to go off. I don't want to have to throw it out. I hate wasting food. But i want to fast.

My stomach it flat today. I feel lighter. I don't feel like a failure for once.

I don't want to fast tomorrow. Well actually, i do. But i know i shouldn't. I know i'll probably gain weight if i rush into long fast. I'll cave and binge and gain. I have to take things slow. At least until i'm back to where i was at a year ago.
I like fasting for short amounts of time though. I feel clearer. Controlled. Fresh. Clean.
But i know those feeling won't last forever.

I want to eat to live, not live to eat.

Introduction to Perfection

Flawless

Everyone has their own view. Beliefs. What is perfection? I won't attempt to answer that.
I can only express my opinion, in a sea of others.

The perfect petal. I've yet to find it.

I've only witnessed perfection once in my life. But i'm young. I'm sure i'll witness it again. I hope one day i'll see it when I look in a mirror. Moulded from the one person I found perfect.

One day i want to be a perfect petal.

So this is my blog. I've started it to have a place to write. To write about anything and everything.
But mainly it'll be about my attempt to become perfect in my eyes.