Fasting

I noticed something.
I broke out of my cycle of what i called 'fake hunger'.
Fake hunger to me is when you get into a routine of eating a certain meal at a certain time and then if you miss that meal at that time you become hungry because your mind thinks it's time to eat.
You mightn't even be hungry at all.
I used to be hungry by 11am if i skipped breakfast.
Now i don't begin to even feel the slightest twinge of hunger until i get home at around half 6. And even then, its bearable.
I'm not saying that by breaking out of this 'fake hunger' cycle i'll never feel hungry again.
Just that now i'll begin to know when my body really needs the food.
Not just when i need it. Mentally.

On Friday i fasted by mistake. It wasn't planned. I usually plan the days i'll fast.
It just happened.
I woke up late, no time for breakfast.
I was busy at lunch with a debs committee meeting.
After school i went home with my friends and there wasn't enough time to eat anything because we were going to the cinema. My friend got popcorn there and i tasted it. It wasn't nice so i didn't want any.
When i came home after i realised i hadn't eaten anything. I felt great to tell the truth.
It's been a while since i've successfully fasted.
Usually I just try and eat as little as possible.

This morning, I planned to fast again but when i got home after my maths grinds my dad had cooked sausages. He kept telling me to eat mine while they was hot. I didn't know how i'd get out of it but his phone rang, so i quickly wrapped the food in kitchen paper and chucked it in the bin. Then I retreated to my room to read. I feel safe in my room.
Then i put up all the christmas decorations and the tree.
My Dad's going out to dinner tonight so i thought "great, no dinner for me" but he cooked chicken because it was going to go off. I don't want to have to throw it out. I hate wasting food. But i want to fast.

My stomach it flat today. I feel lighter. I don't feel like a failure for once.

I don't want to fast tomorrow. Well actually, i do. But i know i shouldn't. I know i'll probably gain weight if i rush into long fast. I'll cave and binge and gain. I have to take things slow. At least until i'm back to where i was at a year ago.
I like fasting for short amounts of time though. I feel clearer. Controlled. Fresh. Clean.
But i know those feeling won't last forever.

I want to eat to live, not live to eat.