I really do.
I don't understand where all this self loathing came from.
It just sorta creeped up on me while I slept.
I spent about an hour in my room today doing random exercises and hitting myself with my fists. I refused to cut. I need these scars to heal and disappear (or at least fade). I need to leave that part of me in the past. But I need a way to hurt myself. How else do I punnish myself for alt he stupid things I do?
I'm so out of control these days. I still find it incredible how fast things can change. One day things are great. Couldn't be better. The next they couldn't be worse.
I need to fast. This isn't a want anymore. It's a downright must happen. Needs to happen. Has to happen. I don't want to eat at all this week. I'm going to a party on saturday and I must have spend at least an hour the last day trying on dresses for it. I can't find anything I feel comfortable in to wear and I own alot of dresses. I found one dress actually but I hate my arms in it. So i've kicked up the exercises at night and i'm focusing solely on my arms at the moment. Not sure if it'll help. If i eat i'll stay fat forever. I need to stop this shit. My mind is so split though. At this very moment i'm thinking "Fast tomorrow. Up until 7 at least (I've a birthday party tomorrow to go to and i'll have to eat then)" but i'm also thinking "Dad's going somewhere tomorrow until 6. I can eat whatever I want and he won't judge me! There's so much nice stuff in the kitchen!" "No stop thinking that! That's not nice stuff, that's horrible condensed fat!" And so on so on.
So I want to fast monday through to Friday after normal study but I don't know if i'll be able. I might fast monday and tuesday and eat 200 cals Wednesday. Fast Thursday and Restrict to under 350 Friday. Fast Saturday and Restrict Sunday along with two hours in the gym to burn up to 1000 cals total (I can burn 500 an hour by fast walking on the treadmill on full incline) So that's the plan and I'm going to try really hard to abide by it. I'm sick of sounding like a broken record. I need to stick to my plan for once!
I really hope the party next week is fun. I need to ask Steven some serious questions. He's being very strange and I need to know he actually likes me and isn't just stringing me along in the hopes I'll sleep with him. Of course I'm not going to ask him that straight out but I need to know he actually likes me properly. Fingers crossed he does. He seems like a nice guy but you never know. I haven't got the best luck with guys.
Infact I haven't got the best luck with anything.
I'm going to go hate myself some more. I'll write Monday night to confirm I'm fasting. Mabye I won't crack if I know i'll have to face posting my failure for all to see. I hate failure. Almost as much as I hate myself right now =/
Wish me luck. I'm going to need it.
Stay lovely
XxXx
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Friday, March 18, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
2 months left!
I had a shock today. But while most people are getting a shock due to the fact that there isn't much time left before the leaving cert starts, i'm shocked at how little time I have left to get down to my goal weight for Summer and I need to take proper advantage of doing late study. I was doing great for ages but my own greed got the better of me and now I only really restrict or eat what I classify as normal (ie 1000-1500) but I want to fast! I need to lose 30lbs by the um 17th of June I think it is. So ya I'm going to start going to the gym every sunday for two hours. I went yesterday and I was burning 525 calories per/hr according to the machine when I was on the tredmill but I spent an hour on the air walker and only burnt 300 calories. Then I bunt a further 200 on the treadmill so 500 total in like 45 mins.This Sunday I want to burn at least 1000 in the gym and then i'm going to go swimming. My Dad's gone away again so I can stay in there all ady if I wantt to lol. I'd love to try burn 3500 cals in one go so I can lose a pound but that'd take like 7 hours? so Ya I won;'t be doing that.
It's my friend Clara's birthday on Sunday but her party is on Saturday and I'm baking her a cake, loads of cuupcakes and making home made choclates for her with Megan tomorrow. Then on Saturday we're going drinking in town and I know well i'll end up binging on chinese food or something. Then next week it's st.Patricks day and we have the Thursday and Friday off so I can't fast those days so I really, really, unbelievably want to fast Monday to Wednesday. I'll do it! Positive thinking! =D
Oh who am I kidding? I've the worst fricking control =(
But I won't let that bring me down. I'm losing, slowly, but still losing. I can fell it. Not on the scales. They haven't changed yet but I can feel it when I wake up. My gap is definetly returning and my legs are much more toned too. My calves are really toned! and when I stand with my arms against my sides they don't cause fat to push out on my upperarms (I really don't know how to explain this but basically my arms are thinner) and my stomach is flatter in the mornings, now to have it flat all day.
Oh and I got some of my mocks back. So far I have 325 points with 600 being the most you can get. I still have two more to get back too. I got the total possible amount of marks that I could get in LCVP which is a distinction or the equivilent to a C1 in a normal class so 70 points there. Then I got an A2 in Biology and Home Ec so that's 90 points in each. I got 74% in English which is 1% off a B2 so sadly I only got a B3 so that's 75 points. I'm getting French back tomorrow and Geography soon. Then I'll get Irish and maths back but I only need to use the points from my 6 best subjects and that won't include maths or Irish.
If I get this good in the actual Leaving Cert I'll be the happiest girl in the world.
And a quick update about Steven. We had a half day yesterday so I asked him if he wanted to hang out after school. He said he had to cook dinner but he could hang out for like 40 minutes so we just sat in my car in his estate. I really tried to make conversation but he's not the best at making conversation. He told me he's not great at talking to girls so taking that into account it went well. He still doesn't really talk to me in school but I walked out with him after school today and I made so much of an effort to have a good conversation with him with no silences or pauses and it worked, there were none. And I got to give him a proper hug for once, usually the're awkward quick ones in the halls where one of us is kinda sideways. He's going to oxegen this summer and I'm going too and I really hope we start going out properly so we can go together. I'd love that so much. Plus he loves Coldplay as much as I do and Coldplay are going. I can't wait!
Oh and on a slightly creepy note, I love the way he smells! I'm not sure if he wears some sort of lynx stuff or something or if it's just him naturally (If it's him naturally then wow that's amazing lol) but mmm I could still smell him when I was in study after hugging him. That sounds so weird I know but if you could smell him you'd understand.
Well sorry now that was more than a quick not on Steven and here I thought I was going to talk about my food life. Stupid food life <.<
So ya, sorry if I haven't got too much to say about my um food life, it's been the sme for a while now, it usually changes with the weather but no, for once it's steady. Steadily bad that is.
Talk soon, I'll try have better food news. Mabye next time I come on I'll magically be 30lbs lighter and at my first goal. And mabye pigs will fly. *Fingers crossed*
XxX
It's my friend Clara's birthday on Sunday but her party is on Saturday and I'm baking her a cake, loads of cuupcakes and making home made choclates for her with Megan tomorrow. Then on Saturday we're going drinking in town and I know well i'll end up binging on chinese food or something. Then next week it's st.Patricks day and we have the Thursday and Friday off so I can't fast those days so I really, really, unbelievably want to fast Monday to Wednesday. I'll do it! Positive thinking! =D
Oh who am I kidding? I've the worst fricking control =(
But I won't let that bring me down. I'm losing, slowly, but still losing. I can fell it. Not on the scales. They haven't changed yet but I can feel it when I wake up. My gap is definetly returning and my legs are much more toned too. My calves are really toned! and when I stand with my arms against my sides they don't cause fat to push out on my upperarms (I really don't know how to explain this but basically my arms are thinner) and my stomach is flatter in the mornings, now to have it flat all day.
Oh and I got some of my mocks back. So far I have 325 points with 600 being the most you can get. I still have two more to get back too. I got the total possible amount of marks that I could get in LCVP which is a distinction or the equivilent to a C1 in a normal class so 70 points there. Then I got an A2 in Biology and Home Ec so that's 90 points in each. I got 74% in English which is 1% off a B2 so sadly I only got a B3 so that's 75 points. I'm getting French back tomorrow and Geography soon. Then I'll get Irish and maths back but I only need to use the points from my 6 best subjects and that won't include maths or Irish.
If I get this good in the actual Leaving Cert I'll be the happiest girl in the world.
And a quick update about Steven. We had a half day yesterday so I asked him if he wanted to hang out after school. He said he had to cook dinner but he could hang out for like 40 minutes so we just sat in my car in his estate. I really tried to make conversation but he's not the best at making conversation. He told me he's not great at talking to girls so taking that into account it went well. He still doesn't really talk to me in school but I walked out with him after school today and I made so much of an effort to have a good conversation with him with no silences or pauses and it worked, there were none. And I got to give him a proper hug for once, usually the're awkward quick ones in the halls where one of us is kinda sideways. He's going to oxegen this summer and I'm going too and I really hope we start going out properly so we can go together. I'd love that so much. Plus he loves Coldplay as much as I do and Coldplay are going. I can't wait!
Oh and on a slightly creepy note, I love the way he smells! I'm not sure if he wears some sort of lynx stuff or something or if it's just him naturally (If it's him naturally then wow that's amazing lol) but mmm I could still smell him when I was in study after hugging him. That sounds so weird I know but if you could smell him you'd understand.
Well sorry now that was more than a quick not on Steven and here I thought I was going to talk about my food life. Stupid food life <.<
So ya, sorry if I haven't got too much to say about my um food life, it's been the sme for a while now, it usually changes with the weather but no, for once it's steady. Steadily bad that is.
Talk soon, I'll try have better food news. Mabye next time I come on I'll magically be 30lbs lighter and at my first goal. And mabye pigs will fly. *Fingers crossed*
XxX
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Peace at last
I had forgotten what this felt like.
It's silent up there. In my head.
There's no shouting.
So screaming.
No blame.
No regret.
Just peace.
Everything is going right for once and there doesn't appear to be any scratches in the disc this time.
I'm losing weight at last so I've passed my plateau. I'm talking to more people lately, especially those in my year in school and even though I know we won't ever be friends as there's not enough time left in the year to bother with making long lasting ties, it's nice to know i'm not going to feel like a loner in the corner if my regular friends are all busy or out sick. Things with Steven are going well and I really like spending time with him, he makes me feel secure and safe and happy (Although I feel fat when we puts his arm on my waist but if I keep losing like I currently am I hope that won't last much longer) and I don't feel so overwhelmed by food anymore, as in I feel like I can actually control myself now. Not to the extent of never binging but it's definetly reduced and if it's reduced, that means less time spent wrapped up in my head with all my pent up anger and self hatred. And if it's reduced I'll be skinny soon. I'll be thin and i'll be perfect. I'll blow away in the wind like the perfect petal I know I can become.
I've also stopped with the SH/SI. I want the scars gone too which is odd because I used to like them. Little reminders on my skin of the bad things that people can do to if I let them get too close and if I depend on them too much. Of what happens when they drop me and leave me smashed on the floor, forced to find a way to put myself back together again. Scars where the stitches loosely held me together. Keeping me on the verge of falling off the other end and splitting in two. I want the stitches to close completely. To become part of my skin again. To grow stronger and tougher so that in future it'll be much more difficult for anyone to hurt me. I used to be strong uut something went wrong along the way and now I see these scars not as a good thing, not of how I over came the hard times but as a reminder of how I broke in the first place.
So today marks the first day where I feel genuinely happy. Where I actually mean it when I say I want to be happy and forget my regrets. It may even be a step in the direction of recovery. To be quite frank, recovery scares the shit out of me. When I hear the word I think of being fat and in the hands of others. Being completely dependent on someone else. Having them feed and care for me. Having others ask me how I am every minute of the day and having my answers analysed with a fine tooth comb. Each word being checked for a possible double meaning. Being told how I should feel and think and look. Being babied in every sence possible. I'm sure it's nothing like that but even the concept of changing any of this freaks me out.
I don't like to think about it. So i'm not going to anymore. Not until it I really need to.
So ya, new day, new me, all that. I have a feeling this week will be even better than this last one. If i'm in the state of mind I'll be don to 9stone (126lbs) by next Sunday without a doubt. Oh ya I forgot to mention I'm 9 and a half stone now / 133lbs (I was right about the weight I lost the last day being water weight but half of it was real weight loss) and that's me first goal, my goals go down in half stones so next is 9 stone, then 8 and a half.... and so on. On monday I'm only going to eat an apple. Tueday I'm having an apple and melba toast. Wednesday i'm fasting in school then I'll probably have to have dinner as i've a half day in school. Thursday I'm fasting all day and Friday I'm fasting in school and then I'll restrict for the rest of the day. Saturday I'm restricting and Sunday I'm restricting. Oh and lent starts this Wednesday so I'll have to narrow down what exactly I'm defining as unhealthy foods for my friends when they ask. Oh and pancake tuesday, I forgot about that, I really hope my dad was serious when he said he wasn't making any. If he does I might allow myself one but I'll do extra exercise to make up for it.
Oh and I got my hair cut so that's further helping with the new me thing. It's jsut shorter and with a fuller side fringe. My friends keep making it into a full fringe and I look really funny with one of those. Mabye the haircut was the change I needed. I bet haircuts are the real answer to internal happiness <.< If that's true i've bene wasting alot of my time when I could have been getting my hair done.
Bye so, I'm going back to get my hair done again so this happiness doesn't wear off too quickly =P
Stay safe, stay strong.
Xx
It's silent up there. In my head.
There's no shouting.
So screaming.
No blame.
No regret.
Just peace.
Everything is going right for once and there doesn't appear to be any scratches in the disc this time.
I'm losing weight at last so I've passed my plateau. I'm talking to more people lately, especially those in my year in school and even though I know we won't ever be friends as there's not enough time left in the year to bother with making long lasting ties, it's nice to know i'm not going to feel like a loner in the corner if my regular friends are all busy or out sick. Things with Steven are going well and I really like spending time with him, he makes me feel secure and safe and happy (Although I feel fat when we puts his arm on my waist but if I keep losing like I currently am I hope that won't last much longer) and I don't feel so overwhelmed by food anymore, as in I feel like I can actually control myself now. Not to the extent of never binging but it's definetly reduced and if it's reduced, that means less time spent wrapped up in my head with all my pent up anger and self hatred. And if it's reduced I'll be skinny soon. I'll be thin and i'll be perfect. I'll blow away in the wind like the perfect petal I know I can become.
I've also stopped with the SH/SI. I want the scars gone too which is odd because I used to like them. Little reminders on my skin of the bad things that people can do to if I let them get too close and if I depend on them too much. Of what happens when they drop me and leave me smashed on the floor, forced to find a way to put myself back together again. Scars where the stitches loosely held me together. Keeping me on the verge of falling off the other end and splitting in two. I want the stitches to close completely. To become part of my skin again. To grow stronger and tougher so that in future it'll be much more difficult for anyone to hurt me. I used to be strong uut something went wrong along the way and now I see these scars not as a good thing, not of how I over came the hard times but as a reminder of how I broke in the first place.
So today marks the first day where I feel genuinely happy. Where I actually mean it when I say I want to be happy and forget my regrets. It may even be a step in the direction of recovery. To be quite frank, recovery scares the shit out of me. When I hear the word I think of being fat and in the hands of others. Being completely dependent on someone else. Having them feed and care for me. Having others ask me how I am every minute of the day and having my answers analysed with a fine tooth comb. Each word being checked for a possible double meaning. Being told how I should feel and think and look. Being babied in every sence possible. I'm sure it's nothing like that but even the concept of changing any of this freaks me out.
I don't like to think about it. So i'm not going to anymore. Not until it I really need to.
So ya, new day, new me, all that. I have a feeling this week will be even better than this last one. If i'm in the state of mind I'll be don to 9stone (126lbs) by next Sunday without a doubt. Oh ya I forgot to mention I'm 9 and a half stone now / 133lbs (I was right about the weight I lost the last day being water weight but half of it was real weight loss) and that's me first goal, my goals go down in half stones so next is 9 stone, then 8 and a half.... and so on. On monday I'm only going to eat an apple. Tueday I'm having an apple and melba toast. Wednesday i'm fasting in school then I'll probably have to have dinner as i've a half day in school. Thursday I'm fasting all day and Friday I'm fasting in school and then I'll restrict for the rest of the day. Saturday I'm restricting and Sunday I'm restricting. Oh and lent starts this Wednesday so I'll have to narrow down what exactly I'm defining as unhealthy foods for my friends when they ask. Oh and pancake tuesday, I forgot about that, I really hope my dad was serious when he said he wasn't making any. If he does I might allow myself one but I'll do extra exercise to make up for it.
Oh and I got my hair cut so that's further helping with the new me thing. It's jsut shorter and with a fuller side fringe. My friends keep making it into a full fringe and I look really funny with one of those. Mabye the haircut was the change I needed. I bet haircuts are the real answer to internal happiness <.< If that's true i've bene wasting alot of my time when I could have been getting my hair done.
Bye so, I'm going back to get my hair done again so this happiness doesn't wear off too quickly =P
Stay safe, stay strong.
Xx
Friday, March 4, 2011
Fasting for Charity and the people who annoy me
As I was saying yesterday, people in my school were fasting today for the Trocaire Charity fast. So today the majority of people were doing their fasts. The amount of people I wanted to shout at."Oh i'm soooo hungry I haven't eaten since last night!" Okay so I get that for normal people that's a long time but I hadn't eaten in almost two days and I wasn't complaining. Not that i'd dare complain. Now some of the girls who were fasting weren't annoying, I understand people get hungry, I get hungry, but at least they were only saying things like "I'm started to feel hungry now, and it's break so I feel like I should be eating" but then there were the few who were walking around clutching their stomachs and acting like they could keel over any minute. Their facebook status's are about how they're counting down the last few hours before they can go back to stuffing their faces and forget this whole experience. Isn't the fast meant to make them think about how the starving people in Third world contries have to live? I;m sure they don't have a deadlined finish time and a hot meal waiting for them. I'm just glad the fast is over and I won't have to hear them all complain about going a few freaking hours without stupid food.
I on the other hand ate one apple today because my Dad keeps buying me more and I feel bad when they go off. Plus I don't count fruits when I fast unless I eat alot of them. So I fasted from Wednesday night until today at like half 6. Which is good for me and I'm pleased. I also weighed myself and I'm down 4lbs so I'm 131lbs at the moment but some of that is water weight but not all of it because usually when I fast I only lose to about 133lbs so I lose 2lbs so I'm hoping i'm now 133lbs natural weight which would be great because I've only really been restricting lately and I know it's better in the long run not to lose through fasting. But I'm still planning on fasting this Monday and Tuesday or at least two days between Monday and Thursday.
Also for anyone who's interested the thing with Steven is going okay, I didn't hang around with him today because he was doing something for some teacher but I walked down with him after school and he was actually texting me back earlier (He's not great with the texting though, he's very inconsistent) and he told Thomas (Who told Tanya, who told me) that he was saying he liked me yesterday which means he isn't getting sick of what I feels like stalking but my friends assure me is just what you do when you want to hang around with the guy you like. I'm going to try and play hard to get now (Well not really, I'm just not going to text him all weekend and on Monday I'll be all like "Oh hi, how was your weekend? Ya mine was great thanks, Alright see ya later" and then I won't hang round with his group at break and I won't go over to him after school but we'll see if he comes over to me because I've make it clear I want him to at least say goodbye to me before he leaves school). It's crazy how young I feel about all this! It's crazy lol.
I feel thinner today too =)
My gap is returning due to my nightly exercises (Now I'm doing this thing where I hold a weight with both hands and stand straight with it raised above my head. Then I squat down and touch the weight off the floor. Then I stand up straight and onto my tip-toes really fast and then I repeat it over and over again making sure I have my back straight and my tummy sucked in tightly) and I can fell my upper arms getting firmer and smaller (I hold the weight over my head and then lower my arms backwards over my back and then lift them back up again, I seen this in some magazine and I think it works, it's working so far anyways).
I can't wait to start runnign again, Now I just have to somehow find some free time during the day when the sun is out.
See ya.
Xx
I on the other hand ate one apple today because my Dad keeps buying me more and I feel bad when they go off. Plus I don't count fruits when I fast unless I eat alot of them. So I fasted from Wednesday night until today at like half 6. Which is good for me and I'm pleased. I also weighed myself and I'm down 4lbs so I'm 131lbs at the moment but some of that is water weight but not all of it because usually when I fast I only lose to about 133lbs so I lose 2lbs so I'm hoping i'm now 133lbs natural weight which would be great because I've only really been restricting lately and I know it's better in the long run not to lose through fasting. But I'm still planning on fasting this Monday and Tuesday or at least two days between Monday and Thursday.
Also for anyone who's interested the thing with Steven is going okay, I didn't hang around with him today because he was doing something for some teacher but I walked down with him after school and he was actually texting me back earlier (He's not great with the texting though, he's very inconsistent) and he told Thomas (Who told Tanya, who told me) that he was saying he liked me yesterday which means he isn't getting sick of what I feels like stalking but my friends assure me is just what you do when you want to hang around with the guy you like. I'm going to try and play hard to get now (Well not really, I'm just not going to text him all weekend and on Monday I'll be all like "Oh hi, how was your weekend? Ya mine was great thanks, Alright see ya later" and then I won't hang round with his group at break and I won't go over to him after school but we'll see if he comes over to me because I've make it clear I want him to at least say goodbye to me before he leaves school). It's crazy how young I feel about all this! It's crazy lol.
I feel thinner today too =)
My gap is returning due to my nightly exercises (Now I'm doing this thing where I hold a weight with both hands and stand straight with it raised above my head. Then I squat down and touch the weight off the floor. Then I stand up straight and onto my tip-toes really fast and then I repeat it over and over again making sure I have my back straight and my tummy sucked in tightly) and I can fell my upper arms getting firmer and smaller (I hold the weight over my head and then lower my arms backwards over my back and then lift them back up again, I seen this in some magazine and I think it works, it's working so far anyways).
I can't wait to start runnign again, Now I just have to somehow find some free time during the day when the sun is out.
See ya.
Xx
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Yay for Fasting!
Right so I was fasting today and then after school I skipped study as it was far too sunny to stay indoors. So I sat with a few others girls behind this wall near the playground in the village and they started talking about how they were fasting today. I wasn't really listening so I was all like "Wait what!?" but they soon informed me that the Trocaire charity fasts are on today and tomorrow so that's why they were fasting. It just sounded so weird when they said they were fasting. One girl who said she was fasting then started eating chips and a burger and started laughing saying "Of course I'm not actually going to fast, are you mad? I'll collect the money and tell them I did but feck that I need to eat." She's then went on to say things about how those staving in Africa can't blame others, they need to go out and get a job or something or go to college. I wanted to smack her! She's so incensitive. Fuck her though. She's hugh and she always will be.
So when another one of the girls went to get some food I was good and didn't get anything. Not that I had any money but she offered me some of her chips which I easily denied. I avoided lunch at break easily too as I went to a small shop called Spar with my friend Tanya and her boyfriend Thomas who'd friends with Steven (Therefore all Thomas's friend came too including steven) and all the lads bought wedge rolls and sweets but watching lads eat would turn anyones stomach. When I didn't buy anything Steven did comment, asking me why I came to Spar if I wasn't going to get anything. I told him I didn't have any money, and I was hardly going to stay in the school alone.
Before late study I felt so hungry but I also felt strong which to be, overpowers any feeling of hunger. The two girls sitting across from me are quite big and they were wolfing down their dinners despite one of them already having had a full dinner from the fast food place only about two hours ago. The other girl there who's average weight was having pasta carbonara but I don't like her personally so I liked watching her eat those icky calories. My friend Clara got so happy and excited when ever someone new came in with their dinners and kept asking them what it was. I on the other hand kept quite. I wanted to know what they were eating, By god I really did, when I'm hungry I love listening to other people tell me what they're eating because I know I'm not eating that and I feel good then. But the difference is my friend Clara will be eating that (Or something similar, some sort of dinner anyways).
So I'm at home now and my Dad's not here. Not too sure where he is but I'm sorta glad he's not here. I'm so determined not to eat today that i'm not worried an unattended kitchen will see me fall at the last hurdle. Infact, I might go watch some tv while skipping. Ya that sounds like a good plan. I need to catch up on my shows but I also need to do my exercise and I can only really skip when he's not here.
Talk soon.
Xx
So when another one of the girls went to get some food I was good and didn't get anything. Not that I had any money but she offered me some of her chips which I easily denied. I avoided lunch at break easily too as I went to a small shop called Spar with my friend Tanya and her boyfriend Thomas who'd friends with Steven (Therefore all Thomas's friend came too including steven) and all the lads bought wedge rolls and sweets but watching lads eat would turn anyones stomach. When I didn't buy anything Steven did comment, asking me why I came to Spar if I wasn't going to get anything. I told him I didn't have any money, and I was hardly going to stay in the school alone.
Before late study I felt so hungry but I also felt strong which to be, overpowers any feeling of hunger. The two girls sitting across from me are quite big and they were wolfing down their dinners despite one of them already having had a full dinner from the fast food place only about two hours ago. The other girl there who's average weight was having pasta carbonara but I don't like her personally so I liked watching her eat those icky calories. My friend Clara got so happy and excited when ever someone new came in with their dinners and kept asking them what it was. I on the other hand kept quite. I wanted to know what they were eating, By god I really did, when I'm hungry I love listening to other people tell me what they're eating because I know I'm not eating that and I feel good then. But the difference is my friend Clara will be eating that (Or something similar, some sort of dinner anyways).
So I'm at home now and my Dad's not here. Not too sure where he is but I'm sorta glad he's not here. I'm so determined not to eat today that i'm not worried an unattended kitchen will see me fall at the last hurdle. Infact, I might go watch some tv while skipping. Ya that sounds like a good plan. I need to catch up on my shows but I also need to do my exercise and I can only really skip when he's not here.
Talk soon.
Xx
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Fire!!!
My school went on fire today.
Nothing major. The alarm went off and no one took it serious, the teachers kept telling us to go back to class but then they went back around to all the classes saying to go outside. It was all very odd. When ew were outside I asked a girl in my class if she smelt smoke and when I turned around there was smoke coming from the roof of the wood work room. Two firebrigades and an ambulance came then and they put out the fire.Turns out one of the machines in the wood work room caught fire while the teacher was using it. No one was hurt though thank god. It was quite funny really. We've always joked that some day the fire alarm will go off and it'll be real and no one will take it seriously and well for once, that happened.
I ate an apple today in school and that's all I planned to eat but with the fire we got sent home early and study was cancelled so I had to have dinner (One pork chop, two pieces of brocolli, two baby potatoes and a slice of cake my dad baked. Stupid Cake <.< )
On Tuesday I ate some of that cake too (I must add it's low calorie, low fat cake so I guess it could be worse, it could have been chocolate cake. Plus I had it early in the morning which is better than at night) and I had some noodles too which I'm extremely guilty about (360 cals).
So my plan this week is failing (Completely!) but I will not give up this time so easily. Tomorrow I WILL only eat an apple and a tangerine in school and I WILL drink 3 litres of water and I WILL go to bed early and get at least 8 hours solid sleep and I WILL do at least a half hour of concentrated strenght woekouts and I WILL talk to Steven in school.......
Ya I couldn't talk to him in school so that side of my plan also failed. I keep walking past where he hangs out (beside his locker with his friends) but every time I walked past he wasn't there and then literally a minute later he showed up but by then I'd already passed. I was texting him all through tuesday though and that was good, I liked just talking to him. He didn't say goodbye on tuesday though and I test him saying "No goodbye? =(" and he text back saying "So sorry, forgive me? =)" and then today after the fire incident, I text him saying "Guess I won't get my goodbye today either =( Stupid fire" and he didn't text back. I get paranoid when people don't text back which may be silly but that's just me. So I was expecting not to hear from him but then when I was standing outside Subway talking to Clara and Orla he came up behind me and put his arm around my waist and gave me a kinda half hug and said something about goodbye but I didn't really hear properly. I was sorta surprised so I just stood there. I wish I'd turned round and hugged him back or asked him if he wasn't in a rush home if he'd like to hang round the village for a while or ask him if he wanted a lift home or well anything.
It's because I'm socially awkward. I can't do anything right in socail situations. But tomorrow I've got to try harder to talk to him in school. He came up to me when I was with my friends so I should be able to go up to him when he's with his friends. I'm just being stupid and over thinking things now.
So tomorrow WILL be better (See how I'm trying to be positive? ) and soon I will be thin and in control again. Oh and also, I was thinking about what I should give up for Easter and I'm thinking anything that's unhealthy. Well that'll be what I'll call it to my friends but to me it'll be anything I classify as sugary, fatty, greasy, heavy, overly starchy or just anything that makes me feel guilty. If I tell people I can't eat Junk foods then they may help me avoid binges because I tend to binge on junk when I'm with friends.
Stay Strong.
Xx
Nothing major. The alarm went off and no one took it serious, the teachers kept telling us to go back to class but then they went back around to all the classes saying to go outside. It was all very odd. When ew were outside I asked a girl in my class if she smelt smoke and when I turned around there was smoke coming from the roof of the wood work room. Two firebrigades and an ambulance came then and they put out the fire.Turns out one of the machines in the wood work room caught fire while the teacher was using it. No one was hurt though thank god. It was quite funny really. We've always joked that some day the fire alarm will go off and it'll be real and no one will take it seriously and well for once, that happened.
I ate an apple today in school and that's all I planned to eat but with the fire we got sent home early and study was cancelled so I had to have dinner (One pork chop, two pieces of brocolli, two baby potatoes and a slice of cake my dad baked. Stupid Cake <.< )
On Tuesday I ate some of that cake too (I must add it's low calorie, low fat cake so I guess it could be worse, it could have been chocolate cake. Plus I had it early in the morning which is better than at night) and I had some noodles too which I'm extremely guilty about (360 cals).
So my plan this week is failing (Completely!) but I will not give up this time so easily. Tomorrow I WILL only eat an apple and a tangerine in school and I WILL drink 3 litres of water and I WILL go to bed early and get at least 8 hours solid sleep and I WILL do at least a half hour of concentrated strenght woekouts and I WILL talk to Steven in school.......
Ya I couldn't talk to him in school so that side of my plan also failed. I keep walking past where he hangs out (beside his locker with his friends) but every time I walked past he wasn't there and then literally a minute later he showed up but by then I'd already passed. I was texting him all through tuesday though and that was good, I liked just talking to him. He didn't say goodbye on tuesday though and I test him saying "No goodbye? =(" and he text back saying "So sorry, forgive me? =)" and then today after the fire incident, I text him saying "Guess I won't get my goodbye today either =( Stupid fire" and he didn't text back. I get paranoid when people don't text back which may be silly but that's just me. So I was expecting not to hear from him but then when I was standing outside Subway talking to Clara and Orla he came up behind me and put his arm around my waist and gave me a kinda half hug and said something about goodbye but I didn't really hear properly. I was sorta surprised so I just stood there. I wish I'd turned round and hugged him back or asked him if he wasn't in a rush home if he'd like to hang round the village for a while or ask him if he wanted a lift home or well anything.
It's because I'm socially awkward. I can't do anything right in socail situations. But tomorrow I've got to try harder to talk to him in school. He came up to me when I was with my friends so I should be able to go up to him when he's with his friends. I'm just being stupid and over thinking things now.
So tomorrow WILL be better (See how I'm trying to be positive? ) and soon I will be thin and in control again. Oh and also, I was thinking about what I should give up for Easter and I'm thinking anything that's unhealthy. Well that'll be what I'll call it to my friends but to me it'll be anything I classify as sugary, fatty, greasy, heavy, overly starchy or just anything that makes me feel guilty. If I tell people I can't eat Junk foods then they may help me avoid binges because I tend to binge on junk when I'm with friends.
Stay Strong.
Xx
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