I hate looking back

I hate so many things. I hate how I hate so many things. I wish I could just wake up and be who I want to be. I'm sick of failure. Tired and weakened by despair and disappointment. I'm sick of depending on others and I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of never achieving my goals and I'm sick of the fact that I'm the reason to blame. I'm the only person standing between the me now and the me I strive to be. I can see my flaws but I still, after so many years, can't fix them.

I finish my exams tomorrow. That's me done with and thrown out into the real world. I'll be 18 soon and then that really will be it. I'll be an adult and I'll be alone with no one to fend for me anymore.

Mabye if I repeat it enough it will come true: I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin.     I WILL BE happy.

Who am I kidding? I set out with a plan, several plans, because I love plans but they all failed me because I failed myself. I'm giving this one last try. This Summer I WILL accomplish all the things on my change list (including the harder personality ones) and when I start college I WILL BE who I want to be finally.

I doubt I'll write on here much tbh. This was one of many good intensions which seem to be falling through. I'll try keep up the writing but I might just go back to writing in private to my future self (who will hopefully be the girl described on my list)

By for now :)
xxxx