Contemplations and bouts of normality

I have this calander in my room. Everynight I cross the day off with a big X. I use different markers depending on how the day went. Purple for a fast. Gold for a binge. Gree for a fast or under 1000 cals. Blue for normal or between 1000 and 2000 even if it's 1200 and far from normal.
Most months have been a mix of colours but not this month. It's been mainly blue with about three golds. I'm trying to be normal. I hate being on the end of either two spectrums. Sick from overeating or weak from undereating.

I'm not trying to recover. That still scares me. But I want to be less drastic in what I do from now on. I've had a few wake up calls. I need to change. I'm contemplating my options.

So here is my revised plan;

Breakfast
- Porridge is okay but not too much.
- wholeme4al bread is good but I have to watch the butter so I can only have one slice.
- Cereals such as oats&more, special K ect are allowed but only when eaten from one of hte small bowls (they are very small)
- Fruit and orange juice is encouraged.
(I'm trying to have breakfast anymore because it starts your metabolisma dn I think it'll help prevent binges, I won't get hungry so easily in school and eat everything I possibly can at lunch)

Lunch
- Fruits and vegetables are encouaged, try have two of each for lunch a day.
- Melba toast and the usuals are still allowed and on some days will do for full lunch.
- Meats are not allowed at lunch (no meat in sandwiches ect)
- No sweets or junk at lunch (it's not healty, empty calories and will start a sugar craving)
- Complex carbs are allowed but only in small quantities.
- As stated above, fruits and veg are encouraged, I'd prefer to just have fruit and melba toast for lunch.

Dinner
- Allowed to eat dinner without feeling guilty as long as I don't have seconds.
- Don't eat too many carbs ie have half a potato and don't finish it.
- Lots of veg, fill plate with fresh, raw veg.
- Chicken is good but don't just eat chicken everyday.
- Drink lots of water with meal.

Snacks
- Treats are allowed, mainly on weekends but not encouraged.
- Healthy treats include raisins, 0% fat yogurts, fruit, frozen orange juice, nuts (only in small quantities) and raw veg.
- Unhealthy snacks should be avoided, they make you feel sick, have no nutritional benefits and make you feel guilty.
- Exercise after unhealthy snacks is not manditory but encouaged.


Even that plan doesn't look normal. If I lived by that and my friends seen it they'd go mad. Oh well, it's still far healthier than the way I was. I'm hoping this will make me feel better inside, i've felt so sick these last few days. I also hoope that if I feel better inside I'll feel happier and that's really all I want.

Wish me luck.
XxXxXx