Let's start over

Hi.

Lets start this again.

I'm stuck in a rut and I don't know how to get out of it. Usually, I have to start something from the start of the day. If one thing goes wrong I let it ruin my day and I don't even try to salvage the rest of the day.

I've gained weight and I found pictures of me last year, and oh god, I had a frickin leg gap and it's all gone. Why did I let that happen? I need to turn things around.

So something happened today. I purged. I've never done that before. I wanted to but I guess I was too afraid to try and do it properly.

You see, my dad's gone to some confirmation thing and instead of studying for my French oral exam I ate. And ate, And then, for a change, I ate some more.

For as long as I can remember, I've never really been full. When I was younger I could eat my brother under the table and  all the adults were always so impressed. (Then one day they started telling me I'd balloon up when I hit 20 if I kept eating so much so I tried to stop eating and here we are).

However, today I felt full and when I tried to stand up I couldn't. I literally couldn't stretch my abdomen to be straight and I just felt terrible. It really hurt. So I ran into the bathroom and made myself sick. Then when I stood up I felt fine. I looked in the mirror and just smiled. Here's my chance to change my day and the ones which follow. It's like I turned the clock back to before I ate all that stuff.

I want to change. What I'm doing at the moment is a lose lose situation. I'm not losing weight and I'm not being healthy. So here's my choice, be healthy and lose a bit of weight and be ordinary OR be unhealthy but lose lots of weight quickly and be EXTRAordinary. I think I'll choose the latter, I'm unhealthy at the moment and it's not that bad.

Oh and on a side note, Steven turned out to be a jerk so bye to him. He's just going to be the guy I get with when I'm drunk and I've lost all my friends on a night out =P

I've started thinking about college and I can't wait to meet people who aren't complete idiots and who actually want to do something with their lives.

I'm not Happy right now and I need things to change. So I'll post my checklist separate to this and I'm going to try really hard to achieve my goals.

Love & Peace & Happiness

XoXo