I hate myself

I really do.
I don't understand where all this self loathing came from.
It just sorta creeped up on me while I slept.
I spent about an hour in my room today doing random exercises and hitting myself with my fists. I refused to cut. I need these scars to heal and disappear (or at least fade). I need to leave that part of me in the past. But I need a way to hurt myself. How else do I punnish myself for alt he stupid things I do?

I'm so out of control these days. I still find it incredible how fast things can change. One day things are great. Couldn't be better. The next they couldn't be worse.

I need to fast. This isn't a want anymore. It's a downright must happen. Needs to happen. Has to happen. I don't want to eat at all this week. I'm going to a party on saturday and I must have spend at least an hour the last day trying on dresses for it. I can't find anything I feel comfortable in to wear and I own alot of dresses. I found one dress actually but I hate my arms in it. So i've kicked up the exercises at night and i'm focusing solely on my arms at the moment. Not sure if it'll help. If i eat i'll stay fat forever. I need to stop this shit. My mind is so split though. At this very moment i'm thinking "Fast tomorrow. Up until 7 at least (I've a birthday party tomorrow to go to and i'll have to eat then)" but i'm also thinking "Dad's going somewhere tomorrow until 6. I can eat whatever I want and he won't judge me! There's so much nice stuff in the kitchen!" "No stop thinking that! That's not nice stuff, that's horrible condensed fat!" And so on so on.

So I want to fast monday through to Friday after normal study but I don't know if i'll be able. I might fast monday and tuesday and eat 200 cals Wednesday. Fast Thursday and Restrict to under 350 Friday. Fast Saturday and Restrict Sunday along with two hours  in the gym to burn up to 1000 cals total (I can burn 500 an hour by fast walking on the treadmill on full incline) So that's the plan and I'm going to try really hard to abide by it. I'm sick of sounding like a broken record. I need to stick to my plan for once!

I really hope the party next week is fun. I need to ask Steven some serious questions. He's being very strange and I need to know he actually likes me and isn't just stringing me along in the hopes I'll sleep with him. Of course I'm not going to ask him that straight out but I need to know he actually likes me properly. Fingers crossed he does. He seems like a nice guy but you never know. I haven't got the best luck with guys.
Infact I haven't got the best luck with anything.

I'm going to go hate myself some more. I'll write Monday night to confirm I'm fasting. Mabye I won't crack if I know i'll have to face posting my failure for all to see. I hate failure. Almost as much as I hate myself right now =/
Wish me luck. I'm going to need it.
Stay lovely
XxXx