Peace at last

I had forgotten what this felt like.

It's silent up there. In my head.

There's no shouting.
So screaming.
No blame.
No regret.

Just peace.

Everything is going right for once and there doesn't appear to be any scratches in the disc this time.
I'm losing weight at last so I've passed my plateau. I'm talking to more people lately, especially those in my year in school and even though I know we won't ever be friends as there's not enough time left in the year to bother with making long lasting ties, it's nice to know i'm not going to feel like a loner in the corner if my regular friends are all busy or out sick. Things with Steven are going well and I really like spending time with him, he makes me feel secure and safe and happy (Although I feel fat when we puts his arm on my waist but if I keep losing like I currently am I hope that won't last much longer) and I don't feel so overwhelmed by food anymore, as in I feel like I can actually control myself now. Not to the extent of never binging but it's definetly reduced and if it's reduced, that means less time spent wrapped up in my head with all my pent up anger and self hatred. And if it's reduced I'll be skinny soon. I'll be thin and i'll be perfect. I'll blow away in the wind like the perfect petal I know I can become.

I've also stopped with the SH/SI. I want the scars gone too which is odd because I used to like them. Little reminders on my skin of the bad things that people can do to if I let them get too close and if I depend on them too much. Of what happens when they drop me and leave me smashed on the floor, forced to find a way to put myself back together again. Scars where the stitches loosely held me together. Keeping me on the verge of falling off the other end and splitting in two. I want the stitches to close completely. To become part of my skin again. To grow stronger and tougher so that in future it'll be much more difficult for anyone to hurt me. I used to be strong uut something went wrong along the way and now I see these scars not as a good thing, not of how I over came the hard times but as a reminder of how I broke in the first place.

So today marks the first day where I feel genuinely happy. Where I actually mean it when I say I want to be happy and forget my regrets. It may even be a step in the direction of recovery. To be quite frank, recovery scares the shit out of me. When I hear the word I think of being fat and in the hands of others. Being completely dependent on someone else. Having them feed and care for me. Having others ask me how I am every minute of the day and having my answers analysed with a fine tooth comb. Each word being checked for a possible double meaning. Being told how I should feel and think and look. Being babied in every sence possible. I'm sure it's nothing like that but even the concept of changing any of this freaks me out.
I don't like to think about it. So i'm not going to anymore. Not until it I really need to.

So ya, new day, new me, all that. I have a feeling this week will be even better than this last one. If i'm in the state of mind I'll be don to 9stone (126lbs) by next Sunday without a doubt. Oh ya I forgot to mention I'm 9 and a half stone now / 133lbs (I was right about the weight I lost the last day being water weight but half of it was real weight loss) and that's me first goal, my goals go down in half stones so next is 9 stone, then 8 and a half.... and so on. On monday I'm only going to eat an apple. Tueday I'm having an apple and melba toast. Wednesday i'm fasting in school then I'll probably have to have dinner as i've a half day in school. Thursday I'm fasting all day and Friday I'm fasting in school and then I'll restrict for the rest of the day. Saturday I'm restricting and Sunday I'm restricting. Oh and lent starts this Wednesday so I'll have to narrow down what exactly I'm defining as unhealthy foods for my friends when they ask. Oh and pancake tuesday, I forgot about that, I really hope my dad was serious when he said he wasn't making any. If he does I might allow myself one but I'll do extra exercise to make up for it.

Oh and I got my hair cut so that's further helping with the new me thing. It's jsut shorter and with a fuller side fringe. My friends keep making it into a full fringe and I look really funny with one of those. Mabye the haircut was the change I needed. I bet haircuts are the real answer to internal happiness <.< If that's true i've bene wasting alot of my time when I could have been getting my hair done.

Bye so, I'm going back to get my hair done again so this happiness doesn't wear off too quickly =P
Stay safe, stay strong.
Xx