He wants to make me fat

I was with my boyfriend today and we were messing around and he ended up lying on my back pinnng me to the ground (Long story haha). He said he was surprised how uncomfortable I was to lie on, that I had a boney back. He told me ages ago that he likes chubby girls, not exactly fat but he likes girls with a bit of meat on their bones. He said he was going to fatten me up. Fuck. I told him he can't do that, if he makes me fat i'll be sad all the time and does he want that? He said "Ah well, at least you won't be all skinny" and laughed like he was joking but he's serious isn't he. He's going to try make me fat... D=

I'm building up a repertoire (is that how it's spelt?)

I have safe foods. Low calorie foods mainly that I can eat without feeling guilty because even if I eat 6 of these things it's still way better than eating 6 of the full calorie option for said food. For example I found these chocolate mousse things that come in like a yogurt carton and only have 46 calories. You buy them in packs of six so even if I binged on them I'd only be able to have 276 cals where as if I bought full fat chocolate mousse there'd be around 125 cals per pot so 6 of those would be 750 which is alot worse. I also found these really filling chocolate cereal bars which have 98 cals each which is high enough but they're so filling that one would do me for lunch and keep the hunger away. They'd also be good for when I get chocolate cravings.

Also on my save foods list is: Melba toast (75 cals per packet), diet fanta (13 cals per 250ml bottle but this is really just a safe food for when I need a mixer when I go out drinking), raw carrot sticks, granny smiths, steamed and salted baby corn and brocolli cold for lunch, ice berg lettuce (25 cals for a bug bag), berries and berrie smoothies when made using low fat, low cal natural yogurt. Frozen orange juice (takes ages to eat since I freeze it in a mug) oh and there's these cranberry biscuity things I found which are good for breakfast and I can't remember exactly but are well under 100 cals. And then rice cakes of course =)

I'm sure there's more but I can't think of any. I wish I could just have safe foods and nothing else forever onwards =D

Bingy mac bingerson

I binged for 7 days straight...yup you heard me right. I hate myself.

Can't....stop.....binging!

I just spend ten minutes hitting my stomach with a can of hairspray really hard.

Why on earth can I not break out of this? I'm convinced I've, as they say, ED jumped but I think this is just more to do with my general EDNOSity. It just never lasts this long. I've binged 5 days straight and twice more this month but with a gap or restricting. I want college to just start already so I can go back to being distracted. I'm good at controlling myself at school so college should be the same, plus I'm walking loads at college because I have to walk back into town twice to meet my boyfriend on his breaks (at 1pm and at 4:45pm and then back to college) and my lectures are spaced apart some days and it's a BIG campus. The last day I packed my set lunch and food for the day and I stuck to it till I got home but I got home at 2pm while on normal days I'd be in the library till 6 so that won't happen when college is in full swing. I have such good intentions, veg and safe foods only and just water, no drinking alcohol more than twice a month and gym after college at least 4 times a week. No breaks at college, keep busy and moving or go to the river if I need a rest but no sitting with friends while they eat, that will attract attention. So I have high hopes....now I'm just waiting for them to burn.

Fingers crossed things will turn out different this time.
Stay save
xx

One step forward, 500 back

Crying again today.
And I'm back blaming other people.
Why do I do that? I know i'm the only one responsible.

My Dad asked why I spend all day in my room when I know I have one hundred and one jobs to do in not enough time and I told him it's because I'm stupid. He didn't like that. But I am. I know I need to get out of bed in the mornings. I know I need to finish cleaning my room (I was cleaning out all my old school books so my desk's empty for college but I gave up half way though and no the floors covered in books).

I'm so afraid of falling back into depression but it feels like nothing I do is helping me. Everything I do has more negative side affects than positive ones. Everything I say makes people angry at me, I hate it.

I start college soon and when I was reading about food on campus in the introduction booklet I actually pictured myself sitting at one of the cafes in one of the pictures they had staring at some food and thinking about how I can't eat it and I didn't want it. It was weird.

The intro booklet also had a section in relation to on campus doters and counsellors and the counsellors are free, I might go to one but I'm afraid. I won't go till I'm desperate, right now I'm in the early stages of depression, I can feel myself sinking deeper but that's just what it seems like when I think back to last time. I'll do all I can not to get as bad as last time, even if that means risking people finding out and going to a counsellor.

Bye, I guess.
xx

Forget planning, here's what really happened

So I always plan what I want to do in the upcoming days or weeks but I'm having a new approach. I'm going to post how my week actually goes, not just my plan, because I don't tend to do that.

Sooooo

So far this week I fasted Sunday and did the 100 workout , on Monday I did the 100 workout and fasted till about 11pm when my friends bought me food which I then tried to purge but only got a little bit up,  I fasted tuesday and went to the gym for an hour and did the 100 workout again too, fasted Wednesday but went out drinking as I got my final school results and had to celebrate but drinking on an empty stomach's not good and I got really sick so doubt much of the drink calories were properly absorbed, after I passed out in my friends bed I woke up and felt like I hadn't eaten in weeks so I had some noodles, then today I had to have dinner and I also had a bit of a binge on pasta and cheese toasties =( so today was bad but tomorrow I'm fasting and going to the gym to make up up for it and I'm fasting saturday and restricting Sunday.

But this wouldn't be one of my posts if I didn't plan just a little bit haha
So I plan to restrict Monday, fast tuesday and fast for as long as possible Wednesday but I'm going to a music festival with friends to see Eminem so I'll bring safe foods incase I feel faint coz it gets hot inside those crowds, then I can't fast Thursday but I'll do the 100 worout and some dancing in the afternoon and then I'm meeting Keith at around dinner time and I usually end up cooking him dinner =/ but we'll work it off later ;) then Fast Friday AND Saturday as my Dad's gone away and go kayacking or to the gym if I have the time :) I'll update again soon with how next week goes =)

Stay Safe
xx

First fast in god knows

Yay! I've finally done it and fasted again. It's been too long. I used to fast practically every single weekday. What happened? I started binging that's what! And I was so desperate not to gain weight through these binges I even resorted to trying to purge, thanks to my hopeless gag-reflex only 2 of these attemps were successfull and I didn't cross over to Bulimia.
All my attempts to break my binging cycle failed....till now! Yippee! You guys have no idea how happy I am. I know it seems silly. A one day fast is nothing sure, but it's the principle. I've been at home alone all day with free reign of the fridge and a car to make easy and quick journeys to the shop, with cravings for 99 ice cream cones that are still present and the shop is still selling them for another 45 mins, it's not too late my brain is telling me, there's still a chance to get a lovely creamy ice cream cone. Fuck off brain! Not today!

And now I have tomorrow to focus on. It's not too hard to fast when your at home alone all day when your minds set but it's another story when your out being bombarded by your cravings head on. I used to be good at sitting there drinking only water while my friends ordered proper dinners. What changed? I'm meant to be going to town tomorrow with two friends and this'll be my test because one of them loves food and whenever I ask her where she wants to go next in town she'll name out some fast food place or cheap restaurant.
Tuesday I'm going to the gym with a friend and after I'll just keep telling myself not to ruin all my time spent in the gym getting some disguisting greesy fast food in the village which is what she'll want to do.
Then Wednesday I get my Leaving Cert results and I'm going out that night, I'll be drinking vodka and orange juice because that's the lowest calorie drink I can think of that I like but I'll also have 6 mini cans of kopenburg mixed fruit because it's a celebration day (hopsfully)
So finers crossed that now until Wednesday will be good days at least.

Stay Strong
Xx