Nanananana FATMAN (or girl)
I feel so fat today. Like I am fat but today I feel all awkward and like extra fat. Just more than usual. Doesn't help that I had to eat loads today. My dad made me really. (Chicken kiev and chips - I went to a restaurant/bar place with my Dad, Rice and 4 squares of chocloate - I've no one to blame for this but myself and one chicken fillet with more chips - My dad cooked it and went and bought chips for the chip shop, don't know why he's practically made me have two dinners today) So ya I had a lot and I'm really surprised every time I get on the scales and it hasn't changed, I'm expecting it to have moved up by at least 5 pounds.
My dad's going away tomorrow again (I think, unless he's changed his plans last minute) and it's also my first day back to school so that's great news. There's also nothing in the house foodwise so that's even beter news. I'm planning on getting up and spending lots of time making myself look nice and pretty and doing lots of strenght exercises before school.Then I'm going to try and actually concentrate in school but I'm also going to hang out with Steven for a little while (I'll talk more about what's happened with him in a minute) and then I'll study loads in after school study rather than reading a book or drawing or making meal plans like I tend to do a lot (Study actually burns so many calories =D and the brain works best using fatty acids so that's another plus, who knew boring old study could be so helpful?). So tomorrow I'm fasting and I want to fast on Wednesday too and then restrict to 100cals (3 rice cakes and a few sprays of that one cal butter spray) on Thursday and fast in school on Friday but I'm going to get contacts after school on Friday so I won't be at study so my Dad may feed me, we'll see.
My skin is terrible lately! It's making me really self concious. Great, another thing to add to my self-loathing list. =C I'm also low on foundation and I won't be able to get more till Saturday so that means a week of using my back up one which is too dark as I'm really pale in winter. That or I'll just use concealor.
Right so update on Steven. I was really bored yesterday so when he fiinally text back I asked him if he wasned to hang out for a bit. So I drive down to the village and picked him up and we drove around for a bit. I wasn't sure where we were going but we ended up parked behind the school. I was trying to find a song to put on that we'd both like but I haen't a clue what kind of music he likes. I told him I couldn't find a good song so he took out his IPod and let me look through it and surprise surprise he actually had loads of stuff on it I listen to. He also told me he hates rap so hooray! I can't stand rap (Eminem excluded). He said he like drum and base though....
So we were talking for a little while but I was being my shy old self to it was only small talk. Then he said something along the lines of "Well come on I didn't come here for nothing" and leant over and kissed me. I hadn't enough time to take in what he said but I really hope he didn't mean it in a way like "I'm only here to shift ya, I couldn't care less about you really". I decided I didn't care though and just went with it. I won't going into great detail but we ended up in the back seat lol. Then I told him I wanted to go for a walk because I wanted to talk to him but I just didn't know what to say and we ended up making out again on our walk. Some walk, we got about ten meters from the car. I dropped him home then and when I was driving home I passed a bunch of lads in his estate and they all stopped what they were doing and stared at me. It was weird. I was texting him today which was good so fingers crossed I'll get a proper conversation out of him tomorrow.
This blog is during into a different sort of blog now isn't it. Sorry about that.I promise I'll have some low figures to share soon ;)
Speak soon.
Xx
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Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Partay!
So I went to a guy in my year's 18th Birthday last night. I hadn't expected it to be too good. Just alright. I got served which was great, didn't even need to use my fake ID. I did a vodka shot with Sean, the guy who's birthday it was. He's so fricking hot and he's probably the only noce good looking guy in my year. I bought him a shot and he was telling me that he was trying to get a slideshow of him as a baby up on the projector but they wouldn't let him and then he started showing me the back of his phone where his girlfriend Sadbh carved her name. He looked so sad at that moment, I felt really sorry for him. I asked him where she was even though I already knew she was in Ciprus and then we did the shot and he gave me and hug and a kiss on the cheek and said thanks and that he'll talk to me later.
Then I went dancing with a few of the girls from school and then I met This guy called David when I was helping a friend who was really drunk get outside. David's really nice and I sorta like him but I just want to be friends with him, he's dead on. So I convinced him to do a shot of purple Haze (his friend told me to get one as they were out of Vodka). Then I went to the bathroom and when I came back they were all gone so I went looking for them in the smoking area. I found them but I didn't really want to walk straight over to them so I went to my other friends and stared talking to them. That's when this guy called Steven came over. Now all night prior to this a guy called Eoin kept asking my friend Tanya to ask me if i'll get with him. He's liked me since like 3rd year so for like 2-3 years.I don't like him at all, not even as a friend, he's an idiot. This guy Steven came over and asked me if I'd get with Eoin. Now I used to like Steven in 3rd year and Tanya actually told him on the last day of school but he had a girlfriend I didn't know about so nothing happened. When I told him I really didn't like Eoin he went off to tell Eoin but couldn't find him. I on the other hand had and he was sorta behind me, so when I seen Steven walking back towards me asking where he was I sorta turned him round saying "Well he's difinetly not over there". Then my friend Clara came over and stood behind steven pointing at him and winking to me. Then Steven put his arm around my waist and when Clara left he started saying stuff about how he remembered what Tanya said to him in 3rd year about me liking him. And I ended up kissing him and then everyone was saying stuff beside us so we went inside.
So ya we made out for a long time lol but I'm really glad, I needed that after the whole Otto business (Not sure I've mentioned that on here but he's my ex and It's taking me ages to get over him because he keeps coming back and then fuking off again) We had to keep moving because people kept interupting us and at one point we were sprawled on the couch in the corner of the room, Classy I know ;) When the party was over he said he was walking to the village to get a cab with his friends back to their house and I was also walking to the village to get home so we walked together. He gave me his hoodie which was really sweet 'cause it was freezing out and that meant he would be cold. So everytime he said it was cold I gave him a hug to try and warm him up. We walked together with one of his arms around my waist and we held hands too which Was also sweets because he could have easily just called a taxi to colect him from the bar, they don't charge extra but I think he actually wanted to spend those extra few minutes together. Oh and another sweets thing he did was dance with me despite his pleas that he hates and can't dance but he did anyways just to keep me happy.
On the walk his friends kept joking that I was secretely a vampire because I gave him a terrible hicky. Oops. I was afraid I'd give a bad hicky you see, one that was barely visible so I went all out and ended up leaving him with a really bad bruise. Two actually. Mine isn't bad at all but I still have to hide it from my Dad. When we were saying goodbye I kissed him on his neck and said sorry for the bruise which made him laugh and He told me I could hold onto his hoodie but I gave it back anyways although It would have been nice to keep it and then I'd have a reason to go up and talk to him in school on Tueday. He also told me he'd text me but then realised he didn't have my number so he asked me to text him and I could get his number off Tanya. I already have his number though. His brother gave it to me ages ago (Long story, one I can barely remember). I didn't want to text him too soon though, can't seem despearte or anything but Tanya text me this morning and told me he text her looking for my number but she told him she'd ask me if that was okay first. She text him back my number when I told her it was okay but he never text me so I decided I should text him since that's wha we agrgeed on. I text him saying "Hey, It's Lisa C= How's the neck? lol " But he hasn't text back. He siad last night he had no credit but he did say something about having free calls and texts to meteor and I'm with Meteor. My phone number says I'm with Vodafone though so He might think I'm not. I'm just going to have to wait and see him on Tuesday I suppose. I feel so weird right now though, like I'm much younger than I am. An innocent little school girl or something. I'm definetly not the kind of girl who checks her phone every five minutes hoping for a text from some guy or who gets butterflies in her stomach every time she gets a text because it could be from him. I just hope it's not awkward in school and that mabye he wasn't drunk last night so that he doesn't regret anything. He didn't seem drunk.
On a food side of things, I can't wait to get back to school simply because I miss the regime. I miss the ability of being able to avoid food for so long and when I go back I want to fast and restrict to under 200 cals a day. Drink pleanty of water as my skins taking a turn for the worse and I want to get back into my bedtime exercise regime. If anything happens with Steven I'm going to have to step this up a notch, Gota look good ;). He's really thin, like lean. He has the start of a six pack so he's not too big and bulky, just as I like 'em ;) So I know if anyhing did happen with him I'd go back to how I was when I was going out with Otto. Otto is so thin and he never eats so that made me not eat either, like He always ended up force feeding me because he'd notice me not eating. Steven does eat though because unlike Otto he's normal so It'd be harder to avoid eating like I used to but also, If the guy isn't fat and I feel like I'm heavier than them my appetite disappears in seconds and it'll stay gone for weeks.
Apologise for the long winded blog updats but I just wanted to write this stuff down. It's nice to have a place to talk about all these things and unlike in keeping a written Diary this isn't really private. A written diary is so private that I may as well just keep everything in my mind unspoken and locked up with the key thrown off a bridge. Even if no one reads my blog at least it's not private and I won't know if no one reads it, and as they say, what you don't know can't hurt you.
Bye lovelies.
Stay strong and wish me luck with this guy ;)
XxXx
Then I went dancing with a few of the girls from school and then I met This guy called David when I was helping a friend who was really drunk get outside. David's really nice and I sorta like him but I just want to be friends with him, he's dead on. So I convinced him to do a shot of purple Haze (his friend told me to get one as they were out of Vodka). Then I went to the bathroom and when I came back they were all gone so I went looking for them in the smoking area. I found them but I didn't really want to walk straight over to them so I went to my other friends and stared talking to them. That's when this guy called Steven came over. Now all night prior to this a guy called Eoin kept asking my friend Tanya to ask me if i'll get with him. He's liked me since like 3rd year so for like 2-3 years.I don't like him at all, not even as a friend, he's an idiot. This guy Steven came over and asked me if I'd get with Eoin. Now I used to like Steven in 3rd year and Tanya actually told him on the last day of school but he had a girlfriend I didn't know about so nothing happened. When I told him I really didn't like Eoin he went off to tell Eoin but couldn't find him. I on the other hand had and he was sorta behind me, so when I seen Steven walking back towards me asking where he was I sorta turned him round saying "Well he's difinetly not over there". Then my friend Clara came over and stood behind steven pointing at him and winking to me. Then Steven put his arm around my waist and when Clara left he started saying stuff about how he remembered what Tanya said to him in 3rd year about me liking him. And I ended up kissing him and then everyone was saying stuff beside us so we went inside.
So ya we made out for a long time lol but I'm really glad, I needed that after the whole Otto business (Not sure I've mentioned that on here but he's my ex and It's taking me ages to get over him because he keeps coming back and then fuking off again) We had to keep moving because people kept interupting us and at one point we were sprawled on the couch in the corner of the room, Classy I know ;) When the party was over he said he was walking to the village to get a cab with his friends back to their house and I was also walking to the village to get home so we walked together. He gave me his hoodie which was really sweet 'cause it was freezing out and that meant he would be cold. So everytime he said it was cold I gave him a hug to try and warm him up. We walked together with one of his arms around my waist and we held hands too which Was also sweets because he could have easily just called a taxi to colect him from the bar, they don't charge extra but I think he actually wanted to spend those extra few minutes together. Oh and another sweets thing he did was dance with me despite his pleas that he hates and can't dance but he did anyways just to keep me happy.
On the walk his friends kept joking that I was secretely a vampire because I gave him a terrible hicky. Oops. I was afraid I'd give a bad hicky you see, one that was barely visible so I went all out and ended up leaving him with a really bad bruise. Two actually. Mine isn't bad at all but I still have to hide it from my Dad. When we were saying goodbye I kissed him on his neck and said sorry for the bruise which made him laugh and He told me I could hold onto his hoodie but I gave it back anyways although It would have been nice to keep it and then I'd have a reason to go up and talk to him in school on Tueday. He also told me he'd text me but then realised he didn't have my number so he asked me to text him and I could get his number off Tanya. I already have his number though. His brother gave it to me ages ago (Long story, one I can barely remember). I didn't want to text him too soon though, can't seem despearte or anything but Tanya text me this morning and told me he text her looking for my number but she told him she'd ask me if that was okay first. She text him back my number when I told her it was okay but he never text me so I decided I should text him since that's wha we agrgeed on. I text him saying "Hey, It's Lisa C= How's the neck? lol " But he hasn't text back. He siad last night he had no credit but he did say something about having free calls and texts to meteor and I'm with Meteor. My phone number says I'm with Vodafone though so He might think I'm not. I'm just going to have to wait and see him on Tuesday I suppose. I feel so weird right now though, like I'm much younger than I am. An innocent little school girl or something. I'm definetly not the kind of girl who checks her phone every five minutes hoping for a text from some guy or who gets butterflies in her stomach every time she gets a text because it could be from him. I just hope it's not awkward in school and that mabye he wasn't drunk last night so that he doesn't regret anything. He didn't seem drunk.
On a food side of things, I can't wait to get back to school simply because I miss the regime. I miss the ability of being able to avoid food for so long and when I go back I want to fast and restrict to under 200 cals a day. Drink pleanty of water as my skins taking a turn for the worse and I want to get back into my bedtime exercise regime. If anything happens with Steven I'm going to have to step this up a notch, Gota look good ;). He's really thin, like lean. He has the start of a six pack so he's not too big and bulky, just as I like 'em ;) So I know if anyhing did happen with him I'd go back to how I was when I was going out with Otto. Otto is so thin and he never eats so that made me not eat either, like He always ended up force feeding me because he'd notice me not eating. Steven does eat though because unlike Otto he's normal so It'd be harder to avoid eating like I used to but also, If the guy isn't fat and I feel like I'm heavier than them my appetite disappears in seconds and it'll stay gone for weeks.
Apologise for the long winded blog updats but I just wanted to write this stuff down. It's nice to have a place to talk about all these things and unlike in keeping a written Diary this isn't really private. A written diary is so private that I may as well just keep everything in my mind unspoken and locked up with the key thrown off a bridge. Even if no one reads my blog at least it's not private and I won't know if no one reads it, and as they say, what you don't know can't hurt you.
Bye lovelies.
Stay strong and wish me luck with this guy ;)
XxXx
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Re:London
Warning: Plesae don't read this unless your really interested, it's quite long. It's just about how my trip to London went and I'm writing it more for my benefit to have a document for when I'm older than anything else, I think that's what this blog is truely about for me. I'd rather have a written one but I never keep those so this is the next best thing.
So I went but turns out is was far from free and even though when I found that out I told my Dad I didn't have to go because he told me he's in deep debt at the moment and has to find like 10,000 euro by the end of the month and you have no idea how bad I felt when he told me he paid for the tickets anyways =(
It was so stressful too. My friends mom who brought us didn't do the online check in until the morning and then she couldn't do it in the morning as you have to check in online at least 4 hours before the flight. So when we got to the airport she was old she'd have to pay 40euro on each ticket to check in and she ended up starting a fight with the airport people who threathened to kick her out if she didn't calm down. She did eventually and we moved on to the security checks where me and my Friend M got through fine because we came prpared, not wearing anything with metal in it and wearing runners rather than boots and with all our liquids in the proper bags. When my friend C and her mom went through though C had to take off all her jewellery and her boots and then her bag got searched because she has a big can of hairspray in it, a small can of body spray and foundation and lipstick which weren't in liquid bags. I'd asked her in the car if she had any liquids she needed to put in my bag and she told me she had hairspray, I old her you can't bring that on as hand lugage but shew didn't listen and so it got confiscated. Luckily the guy let her put her other stuff in my liquid bag but her mom had stuff too in the wrong sized bag so they all got confiscated including a big bottle of olay cream which is really expensive (That was over 100ml so I don't know why she even brought it).
We were also late for the plane and arrived there just as the y were opening the gates rather than the recommended hour before take off.
The plane journey was fine and then we got the bus to Victoria but her mom hadn't booked anywhere for us to stay so we were technically homeless. When we got to Victoria she brought us to this steakhouse and I really didn't want a steak. I told ehr I wasn't very hungry and I'd be fine with some chips and some brocolli (still alot but far better than a steak and chips) but she kept saying "Don't be silly you need to eat to survive and it's been a long day" I wasn't even remotely hungry.
She eventually organised an apartment we could stay in which belonged to her brothers friend who lives in London so we got a tube to Earlcourt and met her brother. The apartment was tiny but it did the job. Me, M and C stayed in the main room on fold out couches and C's mom stayed in the tiny bedroom beside it. Wew then went to Sainsburys to get milk and cereal and fruit and stuff like that and while C's mom had a cigarette outside we all went in to buy noodles. We found the noodles but it took us ages and on the way we'd accumulated lots of sweets. I found a chocolate duck and I couldn't resist buying it (I have a problem with ducks). I also found marmite crisps which I bought for my dad for his birthday next week (They smell rotten but he loves marmite). My friend M bought pringles and C bought cereal and chocolate straws and we also bought some chicken dippers for the next days dinner as we were going to dinner at C's aunts house who cooks weird food and we knew we wouldn't be eating it.
When we got back to the apartment C's mom started the babying. She treated us like we were 6. "Are ye okay?" "Are ye hungry?" "Are ye tired?" "Go to bed now Or ye'll be too tired in the morning to get up". I know she didn't mean anything bad but come on, if we were hungry we know where the kitchen is, if we were tired we'd go to slepp and we know when we have to get up, we know when we have to go to sleep, we're 17 not 11.
The next morning we got up at 17. Well, when I say we I mean me and M. C and ehr mom didn't get up or else her mom did but stayed on her computer doing emails for ages. It took us so long to get C up, she's so lazy. When we eventually left, me, M and C left C's mom and went shopping on high Kensington street. That was shit and then we went to Camden Market which was really fun and cool. But I needed to change some money into pounds and my friends wouldn't come with me so I had to wander around looking for a bureau de change in the dark in a mini skirt and these creepy guys kept coming on to me. One guy in one shop was like "Come here for a minute I have to tell you something....I love you *creepy smile*". Ya I wouldn't recommend doing that. When we got the tube back then I was already kinda pissed that my friends practically ditched me so when I was trying to explain to them that we were on the wrong side of the tracks I ended up telling them to fuck off and I stormed off because they wouldn't listen and they kept saying "I dunno anything about tubes". All I was trying to tell them was that we're facing the wrong fricking direction! When we were on the tube then M said to me "Oh we have to go back now, we're going the wrong direction" .....I wanted to push her onto the tracks.
When we got back then an hour later than planned we went to C and her mom's relatives house for dinner. Chilli con carni.....mmm my favourite.... I ended up giving it to C's cousin.
When we got back to the apartment we made noodles and chicken and I binged on that because I was pissed off and for some reason I like to make myself angrier by making things worse by eating.
The next day it was even harder to get C and her Mom up to go and we didn't leave till almost 1pm. We went to Oxford street and because my feet were dead from wearing high heels the day before I stuck to wearing jeans and runners. Everyone around me was so thin or so nicely dressed or they just looked so at ease in their skin. I on the other hand was trying to get as far out of mine. I was constantly tugging at my t-shit or my jeans or my hair or whatever. I felt so horrible with myself and C kept saying "ah well" when ever I said I felt horrible or else she'd say something liike "You look grgand don't worry" but I felt worse when she ascted so at ease because she's bigger than me and if she's able to feel so comfortable looking like that and I can't now, will I every feel better? I darn hope so, It's what i've been counting on.
After we got bored of Oxford street we decided to go back to Camden. It's so much fun there. I had great fun this time, much better than the day before, alone and being creeped out every two minutes. I bought a new wrist band which I really needed as my old one was getting old and tattered and I hate what it resembles (funny how I used to love it's meaning or rather the person it meant). I also bought loads of cool jewellery (including a bird cage which I've wanted for ages but they're like 25 euro in Ireland. It was only 10 pounds.
And we didn't get lost when we were getting the tubes back to the apartment wither. I did cave and bought some chicken from the chinese food stands when we were leaving though but it tasted too good for me to feel guilty about. I feel guilty about it now though.
When we were back at the apartment C's mom wanted us to all go have one last meal out before we headed home the next morning (I was soooo happy <.< ) but when we were walking down the street her mom had a bad pain in her chest. She said it was like a cramp but it was under her bottom two ribs and it lasted too long to be just a cramp so she got us to call a taxi and we all headed to A&E. In the taxi she was freaking out, worrying and making ten times more of a deal out of the situation than required. SHe kept saying she should have called an ambulance...
At the hospital they told her to take a seat but a few minutes later she sent C up to tell them it was getting worse and they told ehr to come straight through. Then their family came up and about an hour later me and M (who were still in the A&E waiting room) were informed on what was happening. They thought she had a blood clot in her lung and so she was having tests done and would have to stay over night. C's uncle gave us some money and told us to go get some dinner (chicken and potatoes and bread and butter pudding....)
We went back to the hospital after that and spent about another hour waiting for more news. We then worked out the plan for getting home the next day and C decided she was going to stay there with her mom. So me and M had to get home by ourselves.
We didn't get back to the apartment until half 1 and then we had to pack which was impossible as we had so much stuff. I could fit everything in my bag except for my high heel boots but I eventually got them to fit by rolling up my new dresses and stuffung them into the shoes to make room. M however had a smaller bag than me and had bought way more than me but her stuff all fitted in the end. We thought i'd be best to stay up all night rather than risk sleeping in as by then it was almost half 3 and we needed to be up at 6am. M crashed at 4am however and I've never been more jealous in my life. I was so tired but I knew if I went to sleep we'd sleep in. So I set my alarm and hid my phone under the bed and turned on the tv before risking lying down. I also got dressed (in about 6 t-shirts as I couldn't fit them in my bag) and did my make up so at least if we did sleep in I could get up and run literally. I fell asleep sometime between half 4 and 5am. and M woke me at 6am. We left at half 6 and got the tube (which was so hectic as it was rush hour and everyone was rushing to work) and then the Stansted direct train. We got to the airport at half 8 for a half 11 train. That meant a lot of waiting around but we were just so happy we'd actually made it without getting lost. M bought a suitcase then (she only had a gearbag and the zip had broken) and then we went and found a secluded corner so we could transfer all her stuff from one bag to the other then we sat there for about an hour just relaxing. We then bought a bunch of KrispyKream doughnuts because M had so much change and we don't have KrispyKreams in Ireland and we needed to drown out sorrows. We went through customs at about 9:45 and everything was going well but then we got randomly spot checked to have our bags weight just as we were approaching our plane. My bag was just under the 10kg limit but M's was 3kgs over so she had to pay 35pounds to have it stowed. Great.
The flight was short as I fell asleep and then M's dad collected us in Knockto bring us home. I met my Dad when I got home just as he was leaving for three days and I binged on jaffa cakes, rice and chicken dippers. I was just glad to be home. I fell asleep on the couch then and went to bed at half eight. I read for an hour and then slept at half nine until half 11. I got up this morning and just lounged around the house in my night dress with my hair all greasy and in dire need of a shower. I'm going out tonight too so I really need to start getting ready and clean myself up. Oh I also need to go to the shop to replace the things I binged on.
At least it was memorable.
I'm glad I didn't have to stay over there like C did though.
It's good to be home.
Bye C=
Xx
So I went but turns out is was far from free and even though when I found that out I told my Dad I didn't have to go because he told me he's in deep debt at the moment and has to find like 10,000 euro by the end of the month and you have no idea how bad I felt when he told me he paid for the tickets anyways =(
It was so stressful too. My friends mom who brought us didn't do the online check in until the morning and then she couldn't do it in the morning as you have to check in online at least 4 hours before the flight. So when we got to the airport she was old she'd have to pay 40euro on each ticket to check in and she ended up starting a fight with the airport people who threathened to kick her out if she didn't calm down. She did eventually and we moved on to the security checks where me and my Friend M got through fine because we came prpared, not wearing anything with metal in it and wearing runners rather than boots and with all our liquids in the proper bags. When my friend C and her mom went through though C had to take off all her jewellery and her boots and then her bag got searched because she has a big can of hairspray in it, a small can of body spray and foundation and lipstick which weren't in liquid bags. I'd asked her in the car if she had any liquids she needed to put in my bag and she told me she had hairspray, I old her you can't bring that on as hand lugage but shew didn't listen and so it got confiscated. Luckily the guy let her put her other stuff in my liquid bag but her mom had stuff too in the wrong sized bag so they all got confiscated including a big bottle of olay cream which is really expensive (That was over 100ml so I don't know why she even brought it).
We were also late for the plane and arrived there just as the y were opening the gates rather than the recommended hour before take off.
The plane journey was fine and then we got the bus to Victoria but her mom hadn't booked anywhere for us to stay so we were technically homeless. When we got to Victoria she brought us to this steakhouse and I really didn't want a steak. I told ehr I wasn't very hungry and I'd be fine with some chips and some brocolli (still alot but far better than a steak and chips) but she kept saying "Don't be silly you need to eat to survive and it's been a long day" I wasn't even remotely hungry.
She eventually organised an apartment we could stay in which belonged to her brothers friend who lives in London so we got a tube to Earlcourt and met her brother. The apartment was tiny but it did the job. Me, M and C stayed in the main room on fold out couches and C's mom stayed in the tiny bedroom beside it. Wew then went to Sainsburys to get milk and cereal and fruit and stuff like that and while C's mom had a cigarette outside we all went in to buy noodles. We found the noodles but it took us ages and on the way we'd accumulated lots of sweets. I found a chocolate duck and I couldn't resist buying it (I have a problem with ducks). I also found marmite crisps which I bought for my dad for his birthday next week (They smell rotten but he loves marmite). My friend M bought pringles and C bought cereal and chocolate straws and we also bought some chicken dippers for the next days dinner as we were going to dinner at C's aunts house who cooks weird food and we knew we wouldn't be eating it.
When we got back to the apartment C's mom started the babying. She treated us like we were 6. "Are ye okay?" "Are ye hungry?" "Are ye tired?" "Go to bed now Or ye'll be too tired in the morning to get up". I know she didn't mean anything bad but come on, if we were hungry we know where the kitchen is, if we were tired we'd go to slepp and we know when we have to get up, we know when we have to go to sleep, we're 17 not 11.
The next morning we got up at 17. Well, when I say we I mean me and M. C and ehr mom didn't get up or else her mom did but stayed on her computer doing emails for ages. It took us so long to get C up, she's so lazy. When we eventually left, me, M and C left C's mom and went shopping on high Kensington street. That was shit and then we went to Camden Market which was really fun and cool. But I needed to change some money into pounds and my friends wouldn't come with me so I had to wander around looking for a bureau de change in the dark in a mini skirt and these creepy guys kept coming on to me. One guy in one shop was like "Come here for a minute I have to tell you something....I love you *creepy smile*". Ya I wouldn't recommend doing that. When we got the tube back then I was already kinda pissed that my friends practically ditched me so when I was trying to explain to them that we were on the wrong side of the tracks I ended up telling them to fuck off and I stormed off because they wouldn't listen and they kept saying "I dunno anything about tubes". All I was trying to tell them was that we're facing the wrong fricking direction! When we were on the tube then M said to me "Oh we have to go back now, we're going the wrong direction" .....I wanted to push her onto the tracks.
When we got back then an hour later than planned we went to C and her mom's relatives house for dinner. Chilli con carni.....mmm my favourite.... I ended up giving it to C's cousin.
When we got back to the apartment we made noodles and chicken and I binged on that because I was pissed off and for some reason I like to make myself angrier by making things worse by eating.
The next day it was even harder to get C and her Mom up to go and we didn't leave till almost 1pm. We went to Oxford street and because my feet were dead from wearing high heels the day before I stuck to wearing jeans and runners. Everyone around me was so thin or so nicely dressed or they just looked so at ease in their skin. I on the other hand was trying to get as far out of mine. I was constantly tugging at my t-shit or my jeans or my hair or whatever. I felt so horrible with myself and C kept saying "ah well" when ever I said I felt horrible or else she'd say something liike "You look grgand don't worry" but I felt worse when she ascted so at ease because she's bigger than me and if she's able to feel so comfortable looking like that and I can't now, will I every feel better? I darn hope so, It's what i've been counting on.
After we got bored of Oxford street we decided to go back to Camden. It's so much fun there. I had great fun this time, much better than the day before, alone and being creeped out every two minutes. I bought a new wrist band which I really needed as my old one was getting old and tattered and I hate what it resembles (funny how I used to love it's meaning or rather the person it meant). I also bought loads of cool jewellery (including a bird cage which I've wanted for ages but they're like 25 euro in Ireland. It was only 10 pounds.
And we didn't get lost when we were getting the tubes back to the apartment wither. I did cave and bought some chicken from the chinese food stands when we were leaving though but it tasted too good for me to feel guilty about. I feel guilty about it now though.
When we were back at the apartment C's mom wanted us to all go have one last meal out before we headed home the next morning (I was soooo happy <.< ) but when we were walking down the street her mom had a bad pain in her chest. She said it was like a cramp but it was under her bottom two ribs and it lasted too long to be just a cramp so she got us to call a taxi and we all headed to A&E. In the taxi she was freaking out, worrying and making ten times more of a deal out of the situation than required. SHe kept saying she should have called an ambulance...
At the hospital they told her to take a seat but a few minutes later she sent C up to tell them it was getting worse and they told ehr to come straight through. Then their family came up and about an hour later me and M (who were still in the A&E waiting room) were informed on what was happening. They thought she had a blood clot in her lung and so she was having tests done and would have to stay over night. C's uncle gave us some money and told us to go get some dinner (chicken and potatoes and bread and butter pudding....)
We went back to the hospital after that and spent about another hour waiting for more news. We then worked out the plan for getting home the next day and C decided she was going to stay there with her mom. So me and M had to get home by ourselves.
We didn't get back to the apartment until half 1 and then we had to pack which was impossible as we had so much stuff. I could fit everything in my bag except for my high heel boots but I eventually got them to fit by rolling up my new dresses and stuffung them into the shoes to make room. M however had a smaller bag than me and had bought way more than me but her stuff all fitted in the end. We thought i'd be best to stay up all night rather than risk sleeping in as by then it was almost half 3 and we needed to be up at 6am. M crashed at 4am however and I've never been more jealous in my life. I was so tired but I knew if I went to sleep we'd sleep in. So I set my alarm and hid my phone under the bed and turned on the tv before risking lying down. I also got dressed (in about 6 t-shirts as I couldn't fit them in my bag) and did my make up so at least if we did sleep in I could get up and run literally. I fell asleep sometime between half 4 and 5am. and M woke me at 6am. We left at half 6 and got the tube (which was so hectic as it was rush hour and everyone was rushing to work) and then the Stansted direct train. We got to the airport at half 8 for a half 11 train. That meant a lot of waiting around but we were just so happy we'd actually made it without getting lost. M bought a suitcase then (she only had a gearbag and the zip had broken) and then we went and found a secluded corner so we could transfer all her stuff from one bag to the other then we sat there for about an hour just relaxing. We then bought a bunch of KrispyKream doughnuts because M had so much change and we don't have KrispyKreams in Ireland and we needed to drown out sorrows. We went through customs at about 9:45 and everything was going well but then we got randomly spot checked to have our bags weight just as we were approaching our plane. My bag was just under the 10kg limit but M's was 3kgs over so she had to pay 35pounds to have it stowed. Great.
The flight was short as I fell asleep and then M's dad collected us in Knockto bring us home. I met my Dad when I got home just as he was leaving for three days and I binged on jaffa cakes, rice and chicken dippers. I was just glad to be home. I fell asleep on the couch then and went to bed at half eight. I read for an hour and then slept at half nine until half 11. I got up this morning and just lounged around the house in my night dress with my hair all greasy and in dire need of a shower. I'm going out tonight too so I really need to start getting ready and clean myself up. Oh I also need to go to the shop to replace the things I binged on.
At least it was memorable.
I'm glad I didn't have to stay over there like C did though.
It's good to be home.
Bye C=
Xx
Sunday, February 20, 2011
London
My friend has invited me to go to London with her and my other friend in two days time and it's going to be so much fun. We're going to get to go shopping and get loads of nice new clothes and we're going to have so much fun messing together and having a laugh ect.
I don't want to go.
What's wrong with me?
Anyone would jump at the mere sight of a free holiday right? Not this girl. I just keep thinking about all the negatives to going.
Negative number 1 (and the main one): My friend is fat (I know that's mean to say but hey, she is) and she eats alot and all the time and her mom loves to feed her and anyone else nearby (ie. us, her friends) so they'll do they're best to fatten me up if I go and I'm weak at the moment, I don't know if i'll be able to argue my case with them. It's so much work having to think of new excuses and when your staying with people you can hardly say you'll eat later now can you?
Negative number 2: I hate packing and I have no clothes. I know I'll get clothes when I'm there but I really don't want to have to spend hours going through my wardrobe looking for clothes I don't feel like a whale in. Then there's the fact everyone in London will have amazing clothes and amazing style and they'll just look amazing compared to me the big ugly elephant staring at them.
Negative number 3: Cuts. Having to hide them. they always ask me why I wear my bracelets to bed at sleepovers and that's just for one day, this'll be for three. And as with negative number 1 I'm too tired to have to find explinations. Also in accordance to negative 1, if I get really down by being forced to eat by them I might want to cut, you can't bring razors onto planes now can you? I'm going to be in such a bad mood if I can't get my release (I sound like a druggie).
And negative number infinity: I'm a lazy spoil sport who is afraid to do things in case they go wrong. Here's where people would normally say FML but I don't do that so i'll just stick to saying "Fuck!"
On a plus (I always try and have one, sorry, this'll be long), I went out last night for the first time in months. For once I didn't completely lie to my Dad. Usually I'd tell him I was going to the cinema or something and then go out drinking in some park with my friends. This time I couldn't have possibly lied as it was this guys birthday and everyone was going to the pub at 8 and then clubbing at like 1am or something. So I told him it was one of the girls birthday and we were going to go for a chinese and then to the pub as she was going to be 18 and wanted to have a drink to celebrate. Now my dad hasn't a clue I drink so he didn't mind me going. I ended up drinking a naggen of vodka in the space of about ten minutes and then getting a double vodka and orange juice in the pub. I haven't been drunk since early last July so this was alot to me. I ended up spending all night trying to sober up lol. I went home then and my dad knew well I was drunk. He said I was slurring my words. I told him I had some smirnoff ice which isn't really drinking and now he's calling me an alco. I'd love to see his face if he knew I was downing a naggen ten minutues after he dropped me at the Chinese. Or if he knew I've been drinking since I was 14. Or that I've drank a litre of vodka in one night because I though this girl was trying to steal my drink and the only place she couldn't reach it from was my stomach so I drank it all really quickly. I also think I smoked last night. Just cigarettes but still, I hate smoking. I also tried to sneak into the club because I haven't got my fake ID made yet. I have a template and now all I have to do is put a picture into it and laminate it and I'll be good to go. My friend finished making her's and she got into a club last night (Not the one I was at though) so I know it'll work.
My dad is also going away next Friday until Sunday so I'm going clubbing in town with a girl I haven't seen in ages as she moved schools and then on Saturday I'm going to a guy in my years birthday so this weekend should be good.
I'm determined to make this week good as I'm on midterm now and when I go back to school I'll have to study study study (damn school <.<)
Sorry for the long boring story.
By bye.
Xx
I don't want to go.
What's wrong with me?
Anyone would jump at the mere sight of a free holiday right? Not this girl. I just keep thinking about all the negatives to going.
Negative number 1 (and the main one): My friend is fat (I know that's mean to say but hey, she is) and she eats alot and all the time and her mom loves to feed her and anyone else nearby (ie. us, her friends) so they'll do they're best to fatten me up if I go and I'm weak at the moment, I don't know if i'll be able to argue my case with them. It's so much work having to think of new excuses and when your staying with people you can hardly say you'll eat later now can you?
Negative number 2: I hate packing and I have no clothes. I know I'll get clothes when I'm there but I really don't want to have to spend hours going through my wardrobe looking for clothes I don't feel like a whale in. Then there's the fact everyone in London will have amazing clothes and amazing style and they'll just look amazing compared to me the big ugly elephant staring at them.
Negative number 3: Cuts. Having to hide them. they always ask me why I wear my bracelets to bed at sleepovers and that's just for one day, this'll be for three. And as with negative number 1 I'm too tired to have to find explinations. Also in accordance to negative 1, if I get really down by being forced to eat by them I might want to cut, you can't bring razors onto planes now can you? I'm going to be in such a bad mood if I can't get my release (I sound like a druggie).
And negative number infinity: I'm a lazy spoil sport who is afraid to do things in case they go wrong. Here's where people would normally say FML but I don't do that so i'll just stick to saying "Fuck!"
On a plus (I always try and have one, sorry, this'll be long), I went out last night for the first time in months. For once I didn't completely lie to my Dad. Usually I'd tell him I was going to the cinema or something and then go out drinking in some park with my friends. This time I couldn't have possibly lied as it was this guys birthday and everyone was going to the pub at 8 and then clubbing at like 1am or something. So I told him it was one of the girls birthday and we were going to go for a chinese and then to the pub as she was going to be 18 and wanted to have a drink to celebrate. Now my dad hasn't a clue I drink so he didn't mind me going. I ended up drinking a naggen of vodka in the space of about ten minutes and then getting a double vodka and orange juice in the pub. I haven't been drunk since early last July so this was alot to me. I ended up spending all night trying to sober up lol. I went home then and my dad knew well I was drunk. He said I was slurring my words. I told him I had some smirnoff ice which isn't really drinking and now he's calling me an alco. I'd love to see his face if he knew I was downing a naggen ten minutues after he dropped me at the Chinese. Or if he knew I've been drinking since I was 14. Or that I've drank a litre of vodka in one night because I though this girl was trying to steal my drink and the only place she couldn't reach it from was my stomach so I drank it all really quickly. I also think I smoked last night. Just cigarettes but still, I hate smoking. I also tried to sneak into the club because I haven't got my fake ID made yet. I have a template and now all I have to do is put a picture into it and laminate it and I'll be good to go. My friend finished making her's and she got into a club last night (Not the one I was at though) so I know it'll work.
My dad is also going away next Friday until Sunday so I'm going clubbing in town with a girl I haven't seen in ages as she moved schools and then on Saturday I'm going to a guy in my years birthday so this weekend should be good.
I'm determined to make this week good as I'm on midterm now and when I go back to school I'll have to study study study (damn school <.<)
Sorry for the long boring story.
By bye.
Xx
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Slight progress...I suppose
Right, so Tuesday went okay, actually no it really didn't. I realised that my English exam wasn't until the afternoon so I stayed home that morning. At 11am I had chicken and noodles (145 cals for the noodles, 200 cals for the chicken) and then after I really really wanted popcorn(350 cals). I managed to hold off the craving for about an hour but then I cracked and I made some. I ate half of it and brought the rest to school (If I'm going to eat my friends have to at least see as proof). Then my friend bought me a cookie <.< (140 cals)
When I got home after study my dad told me I could either eat the mince in the fridge or this weight watchers microwave dinner theing he'd bought me (344 cals total but I didn't eat the sauce so I'd say 270 cals)
Total: 1,105 cals
Now I know that's not too bad, it's hardly a binge (At least it was spaced out throughout the day) but still, I really could have avoided the popcorn and possibly the cookie if I protested enough.
Today I ate an apple at lunch (30 cals, it was small and I didn't eat it all) and then I didn't have anything before study because my friend C wasn't there and none of the other girls would notice my not eating. When I got home however my dad had bought me two fancy cupcakes from Dublin where he was today and I had to eat them. He told me they were expensive which made me feel really bad when I thought about throwing them away or giving them to my friends in school tomorrow. So I ate them (350 cals each?) and now I'm going into binge mode. It's all that sugar, it just triggers my brain to want MORE. I might have the mince in the fridge. There isn't much there and I can still manage to eat under 1000 cals today if I use 1 cal butter frying spray to cook it and skip to carbs. Ugh, stupid cupcakes <.<
On an exam note, they went great today and tuesday but tomorrow is going to be terrible. Geography and Maths paper 2. Ya I'm prepared to fail. Oh well. I'm more focused on trying to think of a way to get to go to a birthday party on Saturday. The guy who's birthday it is is SOOO hot =D and he's nice too =)
Peace out,
Stay strong,
Xx
When I got home after study my dad told me I could either eat the mince in the fridge or this weight watchers microwave dinner theing he'd bought me (344 cals total but I didn't eat the sauce so I'd say 270 cals)
Total: 1,105 cals
Now I know that's not too bad, it's hardly a binge (At least it was spaced out throughout the day) but still, I really could have avoided the popcorn and possibly the cookie if I protested enough.
Today I ate an apple at lunch (30 cals, it was small and I didn't eat it all) and then I didn't have anything before study because my friend C wasn't there and none of the other girls would notice my not eating. When I got home however my dad had bought me two fancy cupcakes from Dublin where he was today and I had to eat them. He told me they were expensive which made me feel really bad when I thought about throwing them away or giving them to my friends in school tomorrow. So I ate them (350 cals each?) and now I'm going into binge mode. It's all that sugar, it just triggers my brain to want MORE. I might have the mince in the fridge. There isn't much there and I can still manage to eat under 1000 cals today if I use 1 cal butter frying spray to cook it and skip to carbs. Ugh, stupid cupcakes <.<
On an exam note, they went great today and tuesday but tomorrow is going to be terrible. Geography and Maths paper 2. Ya I'm prepared to fail. Oh well. I'm more focused on trying to think of a way to get to go to a birthday party on Saturday. The guy who's birthday it is is SOOO hot =D and he's nice too =)
Peace out,
Stay strong,
Xx
Monday, February 14, 2011
Finally
A good day for once. Good by my standards of course. Of course there's always room for improvement but I don't feel to guilty today.
I did good in my mock exams (today was biology and Irish) and at lunch I 'ate' melba toast (aka I pretended to eat it when my friends were looking but I really just crushed it in my hand and threw it on the grass for the birds) and I ate half a packet of melba toast before late study at 6 o clock (threw the other half away when my friend went down to get her dinner off her mom) and I ate two roses sweets (caramel ones, my favourite) as my friend's mom gave her a bag of roses sweets and she doesn't like them (I'm glad I only had two, gave the rest away to other people).
When I got home my dad told me there was chicken in the fridge and noodles for my dinner. He also baked these half cupcake, half scone things. I'm not hungry though so I will not ruin a good day.
I have a splitting headache now and tomorrow probably won't go well. I have only one exam in the morning (english) and I might sign out after and come home while everyone else does their exam (for the subjects I don't do) and I should never be left in a house alone when hungry. Should be a law or something.
I'm going to stick on some music in my room now, do my strength workout for half an hour, read and then i'll get an early night and mabye that'll help my headache. I really hope i'm not dehydrated, if I am I won't be able to get an accurite weight at my next weigh in. I'll bring 3 litres of water to school tomorrow. That should solve the problem (unless I'm not dehydrated).
Anyways. Nighty night.
Stay strong <3
Xx
I did good in my mock exams (today was biology and Irish) and at lunch I 'ate' melba toast (aka I pretended to eat it when my friends were looking but I really just crushed it in my hand and threw it on the grass for the birds) and I ate half a packet of melba toast before late study at 6 o clock (threw the other half away when my friend went down to get her dinner off her mom) and I ate two roses sweets (caramel ones, my favourite) as my friend's mom gave her a bag of roses sweets and she doesn't like them (I'm glad I only had two, gave the rest away to other people).
When I got home my dad told me there was chicken in the fridge and noodles for my dinner. He also baked these half cupcake, half scone things. I'm not hungry though so I will not ruin a good day.
I have a splitting headache now and tomorrow probably won't go well. I have only one exam in the morning (english) and I might sign out after and come home while everyone else does their exam (for the subjects I don't do) and I should never be left in a house alone when hungry. Should be a law or something.
I'm going to stick on some music in my room now, do my strength workout for half an hour, read and then i'll get an early night and mabye that'll help my headache. I really hope i'm not dehydrated, if I am I won't be able to get an accurite weight at my next weigh in. I'll bring 3 litres of water to school tomorrow. That should solve the problem (unless I'm not dehydrated).
Anyways. Nighty night.
Stay strong <3
Xx
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Mood Swings
One minute
Everything is fine, I'm fine, no one is bothering me or making me upset, I look in the mirror and I don't completely hate the girl staring back.
Then BAM!
The next minute
I HATE EVERYTHING
(sorry for excessive capitals use)
My dad's pissing me off, I want to break the stupid mirror, I want to rip my arms off, then my legs and thrown them down the stairs before throwing the rest of me out a twenty storey building.
Then I begin to calm down and feel better when someone says (or doesn't say anything at all and just ignores me) something stupid, something they most likely meant no harm by and I crash. I fall down into the bottomless pit which I'm sure I've dug for myself by myself.
When I'm down in the pit (or falling down it as it is bottomless afterall) I begin to think, and I mean really think (I wish I never had any deep thoughts, life would be so much easier as a brainwashed, braindead idiot) I just make myself feel worse and It takes somebody else to come along and pull me back out of the pit before I start to feel remotely better again.
My problem? I'm running out of people who will pull me out. I mean seriously. Where have all my friends gone? Or how come I didn't have any to begin with? Have I ever had a true friend? One with no alterior motives? Hidden agendas? One who I could be 100% myself around? One who I never had to tip-toe around or stay quiet because they were in a bad mood? One who'd never thrown me full force into that pit?
Every time I ask myself this question I say no. Now that's sad. Not in a tears and crying sad. Just sad. I'm 17 with not a single person who would thrown themselfs headfirst into that pit to save me. I used to. At least I think I did. Where are they now?
I was in a place last year where I felt completely and utterly alone. Like I had no one. I locked myself in my room all day. My dad asked me why I was becoming a hermit. I don't even want to think about what my friends thought. I lost lots of weight though so that was a bonus. Oh and I started self harming. Almost forgot about that. My point is it was a horrible place and one which I really don't want to have to visit ever again but I feel like i'm being pulled back. Correction, dragged back. I've already stopped talking to a hugh chunk of my friends. The ones who aren't in my school, I don't ever talk to them anymore. The ones in my school? I talk to a minimum of 5 of them and only two of those I talk to outside school.
I've also kinda sorta mabye relapsed on the whole self harm front. I may have mentioned already but um ya I have and I've stopped wanting to stop too. I want to see the blood. I like watching it (I'm weird, I know but I don't care).
I want to get really drunk and forget everything.
On the food side of things then;
My newest goal is to eat a weekly total of the RDA for one day (2000 cals) so that i'm undereating by 6 days. So If my calculations are correct I can eat 200 calories monday to thursday, then 400 on friday, saturday and sunday. Or I can fast on one or more of the week days and up the calories on the weekend (good for special occassions with the family ect).
I'm not sure why I want to do this but there's just something special about using the daily RDA as a weekly RDA. I just want to do it once, then I'll go back to eating as little as possible, but that doesn't seem to be working lately. I've gained 3lbs so I'm back to 138lbs. Oh I miss the day when I stood on the scale and I had reached 119lbs. Just as I was beginning to lose it all went downhill. Story of my life.
Oh and I've been food and recipe hunting and so far I've added frozen grapes and rice cakes with that 1 cal spray butter stuff to my safe foods list (even though that butter spray is for frying and it tastes sorta weird, it's still better than dry rice cakes). I'm still trying to decide if I should count fruit and veg calories. I currently do but I might not, I mean I don't eat that many anyways, just an apple a day and what ever I get at dinner time but their healthy and I want to be healthy I suppose. I dunno. For now I'll continue counting them.
I'd better go study now. I have my mock exams all this week and It;s going to be one long long week. Hope everyone's keeping well.
Stay Safe Xx
Everything is fine, I'm fine, no one is bothering me or making me upset, I look in the mirror and I don't completely hate the girl staring back.
Then BAM!
The next minute
I HATE EVERYTHING
(sorry for excessive capitals use)
My dad's pissing me off, I want to break the stupid mirror, I want to rip my arms off, then my legs and thrown them down the stairs before throwing the rest of me out a twenty storey building.
Then I begin to calm down and feel better when someone says (or doesn't say anything at all and just ignores me) something stupid, something they most likely meant no harm by and I crash. I fall down into the bottomless pit which I'm sure I've dug for myself by myself.
When I'm down in the pit (or falling down it as it is bottomless afterall) I begin to think, and I mean really think (I wish I never had any deep thoughts, life would be so much easier as a brainwashed, braindead idiot) I just make myself feel worse and It takes somebody else to come along and pull me back out of the pit before I start to feel remotely better again.
My problem? I'm running out of people who will pull me out. I mean seriously. Where have all my friends gone? Or how come I didn't have any to begin with? Have I ever had a true friend? One with no alterior motives? Hidden agendas? One who I could be 100% myself around? One who I never had to tip-toe around or stay quiet because they were in a bad mood? One who'd never thrown me full force into that pit?
Every time I ask myself this question I say no. Now that's sad. Not in a tears and crying sad. Just sad. I'm 17 with not a single person who would thrown themselfs headfirst into that pit to save me. I used to. At least I think I did. Where are they now?
I was in a place last year where I felt completely and utterly alone. Like I had no one. I locked myself in my room all day. My dad asked me why I was becoming a hermit. I don't even want to think about what my friends thought. I lost lots of weight though so that was a bonus. Oh and I started self harming. Almost forgot about that. My point is it was a horrible place and one which I really don't want to have to visit ever again but I feel like i'm being pulled back. Correction, dragged back. I've already stopped talking to a hugh chunk of my friends. The ones who aren't in my school, I don't ever talk to them anymore. The ones in my school? I talk to a minimum of 5 of them and only two of those I talk to outside school.
I've also kinda sorta mabye relapsed on the whole self harm front. I may have mentioned already but um ya I have and I've stopped wanting to stop too. I want to see the blood. I like watching it (I'm weird, I know but I don't care).
I want to get really drunk and forget everything.
On the food side of things then;
My newest goal is to eat a weekly total of the RDA for one day (2000 cals) so that i'm undereating by 6 days. So If my calculations are correct I can eat 200 calories monday to thursday, then 400 on friday, saturday and sunday. Or I can fast on one or more of the week days and up the calories on the weekend (good for special occassions with the family ect).
I'm not sure why I want to do this but there's just something special about using the daily RDA as a weekly RDA. I just want to do it once, then I'll go back to eating as little as possible, but that doesn't seem to be working lately. I've gained 3lbs so I'm back to 138lbs. Oh I miss the day when I stood on the scale and I had reached 119lbs. Just as I was beginning to lose it all went downhill. Story of my life.
Oh and I've been food and recipe hunting and so far I've added frozen grapes and rice cakes with that 1 cal spray butter stuff to my safe foods list (even though that butter spray is for frying and it tastes sorta weird, it's still better than dry rice cakes). I'm still trying to decide if I should count fruit and veg calories. I currently do but I might not, I mean I don't eat that many anyways, just an apple a day and what ever I get at dinner time but their healthy and I want to be healthy I suppose. I dunno. For now I'll continue counting them.
I'd better go study now. I have my mock exams all this week and It;s going to be one long long week. Hope everyone's keeping well.
Stay Safe Xx
Sunday, February 6, 2011
I hate Sundays
I'm in such a bad place today. I had to get out of the house so I grabbed my mp3 player and just walked and walked with no specific destination. I live near a park and the coast and it was a reasonably nice day (compared to the horrible stormy last few days we've been having) so there were loads of other people out walking too. Every time I seen a family I had to fight back the tears. I found myself jealous of little kids in buggies and toddlers dragging their feet, not wanting to go home. So i left the park and headed down towards the sea. I didn't make myself feel any better with my music choice. Songs about death, longing and loss. I started crying eventually, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I didn't care about the weird looks I was getting, I got to a spot where there's a little path with a stone bench overlooking the sea where you can watch the sunset. Beside the bench there's a sheer drop down to the actually shore, a man made wall to preserve the origiinal path so people can still walk along it. I climbed doen onto the srore and just sat on a big stone leaning against the wall crying my eyes out. I don't know what brought this on but all these emotions just came flooding out at once.
The word 'Never' replayed over and over in my head. I thought about all the things I'd never do again. I thought about how i'd never see my mom again. How when I'm older I won't be able to call in to see my mom for a cuppa and a chat like my friends all will. I thought about all the things I took for granted. I thought about how all I wanted was for her to climb down onto the shore too and just hold me and tell me everything would be okay. Even if I could have just imagined her there, that would have been something. But I can't. I'm starting to forget key details about her. How she smelt. Her warmth. Her hugs.
I'm crying now, I can't even bring myself to type the rest of the things I don't remember about her. I do remember getting mad at her for being so sick. I hated having to be her maid. I used to wish she'd hurry up and die already. I really hope I'm dreaming this. I'm desperate that I never said such a thing, even if only to myself out of pure hatred for what her illness has done to her. I've tried to reassure myself that I meant I wanted her to be at peace because I couldn't bare to see her so sickly and in pain. But I just can't remember what I really truely meant. I want to punish myself for ever being such a selfish child.
I'm starting to fear for other things I may never do too. For example, I don't want to live here forever. Ireland sucks! But I don't know if i'll ever be able to bring myself to leave my moms grave behind. I've seen deserted graves before. When I was little and I used to visit my grandads grave with my mom I always hated seeing the overgrown graves. The ones where the weeds devoured the pretty flowers and green moss crept up the sides of the tombstone. One in particular was actually cracked. The stone part on the ground in front of the tombstone was split in two but no one would ever come to fix it. That can't happen to her, I won't let it.
When I was walking home I grew angry. I picked up rocks and threw them hard at the ocean. As I moved further into the bay I became more furious. There was little to no waves and the sea was almost perfect. I hated it being so perfect. Which is odd because usually when I see it like that I want to run home and grab my kayack so I can be a part of its beauty. Not today. Today I wanted everything to be as miserable as me. Plus I'm pretty sure I've gained weight so that just makes me more miserable. Alone and fat. What more could a girl want?
There was only one person who could have cheered me up today (besides my mom of course but that's impossible) but I have a feeling they won't be cheering me up any time soon. I don't know how I feel about them to be honest. I used to go uot with him but we broke up and I told him I really wanted to still be friends but his new girlfriend hated me so she pretty much banned him from speaking to me. Anyways they broke up and he came back to me saying he was really sorry and he really missed me and still wanted us to be friends. All my friends hate him though and I understand why but what they don't get is I know him differently and I can talk to him about anything. I couldn't care less if he's a bastard to everyone else, he makes me feel better about myself so that should be all that matters right? I don't want to go out with him or anything. I broke up with him for a reason but it would be nice to be able to talk to someone again. Someone who truely knows me. My friends only know the fake me. The smiey, friendly me. He's seen me in my worst places and that has to count for something right?
Stupid Sundays. Lets hope Tomorrow is better. My dad's going away again so this week will either be great (If I don't binge and only eat my safe foods in school, go to late study and don't eat when I get home) or terribel (I skip study and go to the shop and buy a bunch of food and binge binge ginge and then fail my mock exams because I missed study)
Here's hoping for the first option.
Xx
The word 'Never' replayed over and over in my head. I thought about all the things I'd never do again. I thought about how i'd never see my mom again. How when I'm older I won't be able to call in to see my mom for a cuppa and a chat like my friends all will. I thought about all the things I took for granted. I thought about how all I wanted was for her to climb down onto the shore too and just hold me and tell me everything would be okay. Even if I could have just imagined her there, that would have been something. But I can't. I'm starting to forget key details about her. How she smelt. Her warmth. Her hugs.
I'm crying now, I can't even bring myself to type the rest of the things I don't remember about her. I do remember getting mad at her for being so sick. I hated having to be her maid. I used to wish she'd hurry up and die already. I really hope I'm dreaming this. I'm desperate that I never said such a thing, even if only to myself out of pure hatred for what her illness has done to her. I've tried to reassure myself that I meant I wanted her to be at peace because I couldn't bare to see her so sickly and in pain. But I just can't remember what I really truely meant. I want to punish myself for ever being such a selfish child.
I'm starting to fear for other things I may never do too. For example, I don't want to live here forever. Ireland sucks! But I don't know if i'll ever be able to bring myself to leave my moms grave behind. I've seen deserted graves before. When I was little and I used to visit my grandads grave with my mom I always hated seeing the overgrown graves. The ones where the weeds devoured the pretty flowers and green moss crept up the sides of the tombstone. One in particular was actually cracked. The stone part on the ground in front of the tombstone was split in two but no one would ever come to fix it. That can't happen to her, I won't let it.
When I was walking home I grew angry. I picked up rocks and threw them hard at the ocean. As I moved further into the bay I became more furious. There was little to no waves and the sea was almost perfect. I hated it being so perfect. Which is odd because usually when I see it like that I want to run home and grab my kayack so I can be a part of its beauty. Not today. Today I wanted everything to be as miserable as me. Plus I'm pretty sure I've gained weight so that just makes me more miserable. Alone and fat. What more could a girl want?
There was only one person who could have cheered me up today (besides my mom of course but that's impossible) but I have a feeling they won't be cheering me up any time soon. I don't know how I feel about them to be honest. I used to go uot with him but we broke up and I told him I really wanted to still be friends but his new girlfriend hated me so she pretty much banned him from speaking to me. Anyways they broke up and he came back to me saying he was really sorry and he really missed me and still wanted us to be friends. All my friends hate him though and I understand why but what they don't get is I know him differently and I can talk to him about anything. I couldn't care less if he's a bastard to everyone else, he makes me feel better about myself so that should be all that matters right? I don't want to go out with him or anything. I broke up with him for a reason but it would be nice to be able to talk to someone again. Someone who truely knows me. My friends only know the fake me. The smiey, friendly me. He's seen me in my worst places and that has to count for something right?
Stupid Sundays. Lets hope Tomorrow is better. My dad's going away again so this week will either be great (If I don't binge and only eat my safe foods in school, go to late study and don't eat when I get home) or terribel (I skip study and go to the shop and buy a bunch of food and binge binge ginge and then fail my mock exams because I missed study)
Here's hoping for the first option.
Xx
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