I hate Sundays

I'm in such a bad place today. I had to get out of the house so I grabbed my mp3 player and just walked and walked with no specific destination. I live near a park and the coast and it was a reasonably nice day (compared to the horrible stormy last few days we've been having) so there were loads of other people out walking too. Every time I seen a family I had to fight back the tears. I found myself jealous of little kids in buggies and toddlers dragging their feet, not wanting to go home. So i left the park and headed down towards the sea. I didn't make myself feel any better with my music choice. Songs about death, longing and loss. I started crying eventually, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I didn't care about the weird looks I was getting, I got to a spot where there's a little path with a stone bench overlooking the sea where you can watch the sunset. Beside the bench there's a sheer drop down to the actually shore, a man made wall to preserve the origiinal path so people can still walk along it. I climbed doen onto the srore and just sat on a big stone leaning against the wall crying my eyes out. I don't know what brought this on but all these emotions just came flooding out at once.
    The word 'Never' replayed over and over in my head. I thought about all the things I'd never do again. I thought about how i'd never see my mom again. How when I'm older I won't be able to call in to see my mom for a cuppa and a chat like my friends all will. I thought about all the things I took for granted. I thought about how all I wanted was for her to climb down onto the shore too and just hold me and tell me everything would be okay. Even if I could have just imagined her there, that would have been something. But I can't. I'm starting to forget key details about her. How she smelt. Her warmth. Her hugs.
       I'm crying now, I can't even bring myself to type the rest of the things I don't remember about her. I do remember getting mad at her for being so sick. I hated having to be her maid. I used to wish she'd hurry up and die already. I really hope I'm dreaming this. I'm desperate that I never said such a thing, even if only to myself out of pure hatred for what her illness has done to her. I've tried to reassure myself that I meant I wanted her to be at peace because I couldn't bare to see her so sickly and in pain. But I just can't remember what I really truely meant. I want to punish myself for ever being such a selfish child.
       I'm starting to fear for other things I may never do too. For example, I don't want to live here forever. Ireland sucks! But I don't know if i'll ever be able to bring myself to leave my moms grave behind. I've seen deserted graves before. When I was little and I used to visit my grandads grave with my mom I always hated seeing the overgrown graves. The ones where the weeds devoured the pretty flowers and green moss crept up the sides of the tombstone. One in particular was actually cracked. The stone part on the ground in front of the tombstone was split in two but no one would ever come to fix it. That can't happen to her, I won't let it.
    When I was walking home I grew angry. I picked up rocks and threw them hard at the ocean. As I moved further into the bay I became more furious. There was little to no waves and the sea was almost perfect. I hated it being so perfect. Which is odd because usually when I see it like that I want to run home and grab my kayack so I can be a part of its beauty. Not today. Today I wanted everything to be as miserable as me. Plus I'm pretty sure I've gained weight so that just makes me more miserable. Alone and fat. What more could a girl want?
      There was only one person who could have cheered me up today (besides my mom of course but that's impossible) but I have a feeling they won't be cheering me up any time soon. I don't know how I feel about them to be honest. I used to go uot with him but we broke up and I told him I really wanted to still be friends but his new girlfriend hated me so she pretty much banned him from speaking to me. Anyways they broke up and he came back to me saying he was really sorry and he really missed me and still wanted us to be friends. All my friends hate him though and I understand why but what they don't get is I know him differently and I can talk to him about anything. I couldn't care less if he's a bastard to everyone else, he makes me feel better about myself so that should be all that matters right? I don't want to go out with him or anything. I broke up with him for a reason but it would be nice to be able to talk to someone again. Someone who truely knows me. My friends only know the fake me. The smiey, friendly me. He's seen me in my worst places and that has to count for something right?
      Stupid Sundays. Lets hope Tomorrow is better. My dad's going away again so this week will either be great (If I don't binge and only eat my safe foods in school, go to late study and don't eat when I get home) or terribel (I skip study and go to the shop and buy a bunch of food and binge binge ginge and then fail my mock exams because I missed study)
Here's hoping for the first option.
Xx