Mood Swings

One minute

Everything is fine, I'm fine, no one is bothering me or making me upset, I look in the mirror and I don't completely hate the girl staring back.

Then BAM!

The next minute

I HATE EVERYTHING
(sorry for excessive capitals use)

My dad's pissing me off, I want to break the stupid mirror, I want to rip my arms off, then my legs and thrown them down the stairs before throwing the rest of me out a twenty storey building.

Then I begin to calm down and feel better when someone says (or doesn't say anything at all and just ignores me) something stupid, something they most likely meant no harm by and I crash. I fall down into the bottomless pit which I'm sure I've dug for myself by myself.

When I'm down in the pit (or falling down it as it is bottomless afterall) I begin to think, and I mean really think (I wish I never had any deep thoughts, life would be so much easier as a brainwashed, braindead idiot) I just make myself feel worse and It takes somebody else to come along and pull me back out of the pit before I start to feel remotely better again.

My problem? I'm running out of people who will pull me out. I mean seriously. Where have all my friends gone? Or how come I didn't have any to begin with? Have I ever had a true friend? One with no alterior motives? Hidden agendas? One who I could be 100% myself around? One who I never had to tip-toe around or stay quiet because they were in a bad mood? One who'd never thrown me full force into that pit?
Every time I ask myself this question I say no. Now that's sad. Not in a tears and crying sad. Just sad. I'm 17 with not a single person who would thrown themselfs headfirst into that pit to save me. I used to. At least I think I did. Where are they now?

I was in a place last year where I felt completely and utterly alone. Like I had no one. I locked myself in my room all day. My dad asked me why I was becoming a hermit. I don't even want to think about what my friends thought. I lost lots of weight though so that was a bonus. Oh and I started self harming. Almost forgot about that. My point is it was a horrible place and one which I really don't want to have to visit ever again but I feel like i'm being pulled back. Correction, dragged back. I've already stopped talking to a hugh chunk of my friends. The ones who aren't in my school, I don't ever talk to them anymore. The ones in my school? I talk to a minimum of 5 of them and only two of those I talk to outside school.
I've also kinda sorta  mabye relapsed on the whole self harm front. I may have mentioned already but um ya I have and I've stopped wanting to stop too. I want to see the blood. I like watching it (I'm weird, I know but I don't care).

I want to get really drunk and forget everything.

On the food side of things then;

My newest goal is to eat a weekly total of the RDA for one day (2000 cals) so that i'm undereating by 6 days. So If my calculations are correct I can eat 200 calories monday to thursday, then 400 on friday, saturday and sunday. Or I can fast on one or more of the week days and up the calories on the weekend (good for special occassions with the family ect).
I'm not sure why I want to do this but there's just something special about using the daily RDA as a weekly RDA. I just want to do it once, then I'll go back to eating as little as possible, but that doesn't seem to be working lately. I've gained 3lbs so I'm back to 138lbs. Oh I miss the day when I stood on the scale and I had reached 119lbs. Just as I was beginning to lose it all went downhill. Story of my life.

Oh and I've been food and recipe hunting and so far I've added frozen grapes and rice cakes with that 1 cal spray butter stuff to my safe foods list (even though that butter spray is for frying and it tastes sorta weird, it's still better than dry rice cakes). I'm still trying to decide if I should count fruit and veg calories. I currently do but I might not, I mean I don't eat that many anyways, just an apple a day and what ever I get at dinner time but their healthy and I want to be healthy I suppose. I dunno. For now I'll continue counting them.

I'd better go study now. I have my mock exams all this week and It;s going to be one long long week.   Hope everyone's keeping well.
Stay Safe Xx