He wants to make me fat

I was with my boyfriend today and we were messing around and he ended up lying on my back pinnng me to the ground (Long story haha). He said he was surprised how uncomfortable I was to lie on, that I had a boney back. He told me ages ago that he likes chubby girls, not exactly fat but he likes girls with a bit of meat on their bones. He said he was going to fatten me up. Fuck. I told him he can't do that, if he makes me fat i'll be sad all the time and does he want that? He said "Ah well, at least you won't be all skinny" and laughed like he was joking but he's serious isn't he. He's going to try make me fat... D=

I'm building up a repertoire (is that how it's spelt?)

I have safe foods. Low calorie foods mainly that I can eat without feeling guilty because even if I eat 6 of these things it's still way better than eating 6 of the full calorie option for said food. For example I found these chocolate mousse things that come in like a yogurt carton and only have 46 calories. You buy them in packs of six so even if I binged on them I'd only be able to have 276 cals where as if I bought full fat chocolate mousse there'd be around 125 cals per pot so 6 of those would be 750 which is alot worse. I also found these really filling chocolate cereal bars which have 98 cals each which is high enough but they're so filling that one would do me for lunch and keep the hunger away. They'd also be good for when I get chocolate cravings.

Also on my save foods list is: Melba toast (75 cals per packet), diet fanta (13 cals per 250ml bottle but this is really just a safe food for when I need a mixer when I go out drinking), raw carrot sticks, granny smiths, steamed and salted baby corn and brocolli cold for lunch, ice berg lettuce (25 cals for a bug bag), berries and berrie smoothies when made using low fat, low cal natural yogurt. Frozen orange juice (takes ages to eat since I freeze it in a mug) oh and there's these cranberry biscuity things I found which are good for breakfast and I can't remember exactly but are well under 100 cals. And then rice cakes of course =)

I'm sure there's more but I can't think of any. I wish I could just have safe foods and nothing else forever onwards =D

Bingy mac bingerson

I binged for 7 days straight...yup you heard me right. I hate myself.

Can't....stop.....binging!

I just spend ten minutes hitting my stomach with a can of hairspray really hard.

Why on earth can I not break out of this? I'm convinced I've, as they say, ED jumped but I think this is just more to do with my general EDNOSity. It just never lasts this long. I've binged 5 days straight and twice more this month but with a gap or restricting. I want college to just start already so I can go back to being distracted. I'm good at controlling myself at school so college should be the same, plus I'm walking loads at college because I have to walk back into town twice to meet my boyfriend on his breaks (at 1pm and at 4:45pm and then back to college) and my lectures are spaced apart some days and it's a BIG campus. The last day I packed my set lunch and food for the day and I stuck to it till I got home but I got home at 2pm while on normal days I'd be in the library till 6 so that won't happen when college is in full swing. I have such good intentions, veg and safe foods only and just water, no drinking alcohol more than twice a month and gym after college at least 4 times a week. No breaks at college, keep busy and moving or go to the river if I need a rest but no sitting with friends while they eat, that will attract attention. So I have high hopes....now I'm just waiting for them to burn.

Fingers crossed things will turn out different this time.
Stay save
xx

One step forward, 500 back

Crying again today.
And I'm back blaming other people.
Why do I do that? I know i'm the only one responsible.

My Dad asked why I spend all day in my room when I know I have one hundred and one jobs to do in not enough time and I told him it's because I'm stupid. He didn't like that. But I am. I know I need to get out of bed in the mornings. I know I need to finish cleaning my room (I was cleaning out all my old school books so my desk's empty for college but I gave up half way though and no the floors covered in books).

I'm so afraid of falling back into depression but it feels like nothing I do is helping me. Everything I do has more negative side affects than positive ones. Everything I say makes people angry at me, I hate it.

I start college soon and when I was reading about food on campus in the introduction booklet I actually pictured myself sitting at one of the cafes in one of the pictures they had staring at some food and thinking about how I can't eat it and I didn't want it. It was weird.

The intro booklet also had a section in relation to on campus doters and counsellors and the counsellors are free, I might go to one but I'm afraid. I won't go till I'm desperate, right now I'm in the early stages of depression, I can feel myself sinking deeper but that's just what it seems like when I think back to last time. I'll do all I can not to get as bad as last time, even if that means risking people finding out and going to a counsellor.

Bye, I guess.
xx

Forget planning, here's what really happened

So I always plan what I want to do in the upcoming days or weeks but I'm having a new approach. I'm going to post how my week actually goes, not just my plan, because I don't tend to do that.

Sooooo

So far this week I fasted Sunday and did the 100 workout , on Monday I did the 100 workout and fasted till about 11pm when my friends bought me food which I then tried to purge but only got a little bit up,  I fasted tuesday and went to the gym for an hour and did the 100 workout again too, fasted Wednesday but went out drinking as I got my final school results and had to celebrate but drinking on an empty stomach's not good and I got really sick so doubt much of the drink calories were properly absorbed, after I passed out in my friends bed I woke up and felt like I hadn't eaten in weeks so I had some noodles, then today I had to have dinner and I also had a bit of a binge on pasta and cheese toasties =( so today was bad but tomorrow I'm fasting and going to the gym to make up up for it and I'm fasting saturday and restricting Sunday.

But this wouldn't be one of my posts if I didn't plan just a little bit haha
So I plan to restrict Monday, fast tuesday and fast for as long as possible Wednesday but I'm going to a music festival with friends to see Eminem so I'll bring safe foods incase I feel faint coz it gets hot inside those crowds, then I can't fast Thursday but I'll do the 100 worout and some dancing in the afternoon and then I'm meeting Keith at around dinner time and I usually end up cooking him dinner =/ but we'll work it off later ;) then Fast Friday AND Saturday as my Dad's gone away and go kayacking or to the gym if I have the time :) I'll update again soon with how next week goes =)

Stay Safe
xx

First fast in god knows

Yay! I've finally done it and fasted again. It's been too long. I used to fast practically every single weekday. What happened? I started binging that's what! And I was so desperate not to gain weight through these binges I even resorted to trying to purge, thanks to my hopeless gag-reflex only 2 of these attemps were successfull and I didn't cross over to Bulimia.
All my attempts to break my binging cycle failed....till now! Yippee! You guys have no idea how happy I am. I know it seems silly. A one day fast is nothing sure, but it's the principle. I've been at home alone all day with free reign of the fridge and a car to make easy and quick journeys to the shop, with cravings for 99 ice cream cones that are still present and the shop is still selling them for another 45 mins, it's not too late my brain is telling me, there's still a chance to get a lovely creamy ice cream cone. Fuck off brain! Not today!

And now I have tomorrow to focus on. It's not too hard to fast when your at home alone all day when your minds set but it's another story when your out being bombarded by your cravings head on. I used to be good at sitting there drinking only water while my friends ordered proper dinners. What changed? I'm meant to be going to town tomorrow with two friends and this'll be my test because one of them loves food and whenever I ask her where she wants to go next in town she'll name out some fast food place or cheap restaurant.
Tuesday I'm going to the gym with a friend and after I'll just keep telling myself not to ruin all my time spent in the gym getting some disguisting greesy fast food in the village which is what she'll want to do.
Then Wednesday I get my Leaving Cert results and I'm going out that night, I'll be drinking vodka and orange juice because that's the lowest calorie drink I can think of that I like but I'll also have 6 mini cans of kopenburg mixed fruit because it's a celebration day (hopsfully)
So finers crossed that now until Wednesday will be good days at least.

Stay Strong
Xx

And we start again

Tomorrow is the 1st and I'm starting again, again. My Dad's gone on holidays and not home till monday next week so i'll use his absence as a jump start. I'm making out a plan and sticking to it so I'll be at least a little bit more body confident for the start of college, I don't want to go in there and end up cowering in a corner afraid what people think of me.

Soooo here is my plan for this week, scrap that, here's what i'm going to do. I'm making a plan becasue that's how i'm gong to break my binging cycle, i'm miserable like this, I can't stop eating and I fucking hate it! I hate myself. I hate going out and meeting friends. I'm barely able to hold a conversation without being  bombarded by horrible internal thoughts. I want to go back to when I could easily say no and when I did say no I was happy and it made my day knowing I wasn't controlled by food.

Okay enough ranting, here's the plan.

Monday (From when I wake up)

Water fast and go to the gym and go kayacking and do strength exercises in morning and evening.

Tuesday

Morning exercises. No breakfast. Go to town and collect phone, don't eat in town. Meet Keith, go home, don't eat for as long as possible but he's most likely staying over so i'll have to eat eventually, will most likely get a take out as I'm not bothered cooking for two.  We'll work it off later anyways ;)

Wednesday

Night exercises only if Keith stays over. Mandarine for breakfast. Go for a walk. Mr freezes and fruit popsicle for dinner (for the sugar cravings I'll probably be getting). Dance and jumprope in front of tv in evening.

Thursday

Morning and night exercises. No breakfast. Go to gym before 1 if possible.
Turkey stir fry with pleanty of veg and only a little bit of rice (also using one cal spray rather than oil for stir fry)
Relax in evening or go out with friends.

Friday

Morning and night exercises. No breakfast or lunch or snacks. Dinner only: Brocolli and cauliflower bake with chicken, no carbs. Use low cal white sauce and cheese in the bake. Go for a jog in the evening.

Saturday

Morning and night exercises. Juice fast.

Sunday

Binge. It's the last day I'm home alone and therefore the last day I can eat what ever I like without being judged so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to get up relatively early do as much exercise as I can before going to tesco and listening to my stomach and getting what ever I feel like. Then I'm going to go home, curl up on the couch and watch movies and eat till I feel ill and tired and fall asleep.

I hate looking back

I hate so many things. I hate how I hate so many things. I wish I could just wake up and be who I want to be. I'm sick of failure. Tired and weakened by despair and disappointment. I'm sick of depending on others and I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of never achieving my goals and I'm sick of the fact that I'm the reason to blame. I'm the only person standing between the me now and the me I strive to be. I can see my flaws but I still, after so many years, can't fix them.

I finish my exams tomorrow. That's me done with and thrown out into the real world. I'll be 18 soon and then that really will be it. I'll be an adult and I'll be alone with no one to fend for me anymore.

Mabye if I repeat it enough it will come true: I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin, I WILL BE thin.     I WILL BE happy.

Who am I kidding? I set out with a plan, several plans, because I love plans but they all failed me because I failed myself. I'm giving this one last try. This Summer I WILL accomplish all the things on my change list (including the harder personality ones) and when I start college I WILL BE who I want to be finally.

I doubt I'll write on here much tbh. This was one of many good intensions which seem to be falling through. I'll try keep up the writing but I might just go back to writing in private to my future self (who will hopefully be the girl described on my list)

By for now :)
xxxx

Contemplations and bouts of normality

I have this calander in my room. Everynight I cross the day off with a big X. I use different markers depending on how the day went. Purple for a fast. Gold for a binge. Gree for a fast or under 1000 cals. Blue for normal or between 1000 and 2000 even if it's 1200 and far from normal.
Most months have been a mix of colours but not this month. It's been mainly blue with about three golds. I'm trying to be normal. I hate being on the end of either two spectrums. Sick from overeating or weak from undereating.

I'm not trying to recover. That still scares me. But I want to be less drastic in what I do from now on. I've had a few wake up calls. I need to change. I'm contemplating my options.

So here is my revised plan;

Breakfast
- Porridge is okay but not too much.
- wholeme4al bread is good but I have to watch the butter so I can only have one slice.
- Cereals such as oats&more, special K ect are allowed but only when eaten from one of hte small bowls (they are very small)
- Fruit and orange juice is encouraged.
(I'm trying to have breakfast anymore because it starts your metabolisma dn I think it'll help prevent binges, I won't get hungry so easily in school and eat everything I possibly can at lunch)

Lunch
- Fruits and vegetables are encouaged, try have two of each for lunch a day.
- Melba toast and the usuals are still allowed and on some days will do for full lunch.
- Meats are not allowed at lunch (no meat in sandwiches ect)
- No sweets or junk at lunch (it's not healty, empty calories and will start a sugar craving)
- Complex carbs are allowed but only in small quantities.
- As stated above, fruits and veg are encouraged, I'd prefer to just have fruit and melba toast for lunch.

Dinner
- Allowed to eat dinner without feeling guilty as long as I don't have seconds.
- Don't eat too many carbs ie have half a potato and don't finish it.
- Lots of veg, fill plate with fresh, raw veg.
- Chicken is good but don't just eat chicken everyday.
- Drink lots of water with meal.

Snacks
- Treats are allowed, mainly on weekends but not encouraged.
- Healthy treats include raisins, 0% fat yogurts, fruit, frozen orange juice, nuts (only in small quantities) and raw veg.
- Unhealthy snacks should be avoided, they make you feel sick, have no nutritional benefits and make you feel guilty.
- Exercise after unhealthy snacks is not manditory but encouaged.


Even that plan doesn't look normal. If I lived by that and my friends seen it they'd go mad. Oh well, it's still far healthier than the way I was. I'm hoping this will make me feel better inside, i've felt so sick these last few days. I also hoope that if I feel better inside I'll feel happier and that's really all I want.

Wish me luck.
XxXxXx

LaLaLaLife

Everything is a mess, but everything is also not a mess. Get me? Nah, didn't think so. Even I don't get me and I live with me.

So how come the minute I start meeting new people, socialising, being a normal teenager, my so called friends get mad at me, for no reason? I got completely ignored today by my best friend but when I asked her what was wrong she just said "nothing" and returns to being silent. The minute anyone else talks to her she's fine though, laughing, joking, being her usual self. So I know she's mad at me. I think it's because we went to this party and she didn't want to stay over night and I did, so her and Clara ended up getting a taxi back to her house at midnight. I'm sorry if I wanted to stay at the party and spend the night with Stephen (Long story why he's back) but come on, she was acting as if I'd murdered one of her dogs!

Here comes the long story (shortened down) about why he's back. So we went to the park on Friday and I got drunk and started climbing on this roof and Stephen (Found out how to spell his name properly lol) was minding me, trying to help me down off the roof when I got stuck at the top. Then he starting hugging me and saying stuff but he didn't act on anything, he told me at the house party the next day he didn't want to take advantage of me when I was drunk. At the house party we had lots of fun and he was really nice. We got to talk about lots of stuff and best of all he wasn't that drunk so he remembers everthing, That night we only got 3 hours sleep we were up so late talking. We slept in the same bed but that's all, i'm no slut. It was nice just being held. I spent all Sunday and practically all today with him too. And he's even started texting me. I'm really happy because after he told me he didn't want to go out I had given up on having anything with him. Plus nothing good ever comes my way. This could be my something good. My break from such a horrible year.

In english today my teacher raffled off an Easter egg and deep down, while evryone was crossing their fingers hoping for thier name to be called I was counting the odds that I'd be picked and wishing against them, and against the odds anyone I was remotely friends with would win either. I wanted nothing to do with that stupid easter egg.

My dad has finally agreed to stop buying me Jaffa cakes, I've been pleading with him to stop buying them for ages and he keeps saying "No, you just have to learn to control yourself around them". They're my weakness! I can't control myself around them! Give me anything else and I can say no. Just not them!

Got called fat today. Many times. My stephen <.<  He was calling himself fat, which is far from the truth, so I told him If I he was fat then I must be obese and he said "No, just fat". I know he was messing, but it still hurt. I laughed it off my saying "Well if you think your fat then I'll take being called fat from you a compliment". I don't want to eat tomorrow..

It'sEaster holidays soon and they couldn't come sooner. I need to study over them though. I'm so far behind in Geography and French. It'll be hard though, there's so many plans I've already made for the hols. They include many trips to the gym and fast days. Busy days and cleaning days so pre-occupy my mind and keep my busy. Study makes me hungry, Hanging around with friends doesn't.

I've got to say sorry, my posts are always so long. And boring I'm sure.
I'm off to bed now. Nighty Night.
xXxXx

Let's start over

Hi.

Lets start this again.

I'm stuck in a rut and I don't know how to get out of it. Usually, I have to start something from the start of the day. If one thing goes wrong I let it ruin my day and I don't even try to salvage the rest of the day.

I've gained weight and I found pictures of me last year, and oh god, I had a frickin leg gap and it's all gone. Why did I let that happen? I need to turn things around.

So something happened today. I purged. I've never done that before. I wanted to but I guess I was too afraid to try and do it properly.

You see, my dad's gone to some confirmation thing and instead of studying for my French oral exam I ate. And ate, And then, for a change, I ate some more.

For as long as I can remember, I've never really been full. When I was younger I could eat my brother under the table and  all the adults were always so impressed. (Then one day they started telling me I'd balloon up when I hit 20 if I kept eating so much so I tried to stop eating and here we are).

However, today I felt full and when I tried to stand up I couldn't. I literally couldn't stretch my abdomen to be straight and I just felt terrible. It really hurt. So I ran into the bathroom and made myself sick. Then when I stood up I felt fine. I looked in the mirror and just smiled. Here's my chance to change my day and the ones which follow. It's like I turned the clock back to before I ate all that stuff.

I want to change. What I'm doing at the moment is a lose lose situation. I'm not losing weight and I'm not being healthy. So here's my choice, be healthy and lose a bit of weight and be ordinary OR be unhealthy but lose lots of weight quickly and be EXTRAordinary. I think I'll choose the latter, I'm unhealthy at the moment and it's not that bad.

Oh and on a side note, Steven turned out to be a jerk so bye to him. He's just going to be the guy I get with when I'm drunk and I've lost all my friends on a night out =P

I've started thinking about college and I can't wait to meet people who aren't complete idiots and who actually want to do something with their lives.

I'm not Happy right now and I need things to change. So I'll post my checklist separate to this and I'm going to try really hard to achieve my goals.

Love & Peace & Happiness

XoXo

I hate myself

I really do.
I don't understand where all this self loathing came from.
It just sorta creeped up on me while I slept.
I spent about an hour in my room today doing random exercises and hitting myself with my fists. I refused to cut. I need these scars to heal and disappear (or at least fade). I need to leave that part of me in the past. But I need a way to hurt myself. How else do I punnish myself for alt he stupid things I do?

I'm so out of control these days. I still find it incredible how fast things can change. One day things are great. Couldn't be better. The next they couldn't be worse.

I need to fast. This isn't a want anymore. It's a downright must happen. Needs to happen. Has to happen. I don't want to eat at all this week. I'm going to a party on saturday and I must have spend at least an hour the last day trying on dresses for it. I can't find anything I feel comfortable in to wear and I own alot of dresses. I found one dress actually but I hate my arms in it. So i've kicked up the exercises at night and i'm focusing solely on my arms at the moment. Not sure if it'll help. If i eat i'll stay fat forever. I need to stop this shit. My mind is so split though. At this very moment i'm thinking "Fast tomorrow. Up until 7 at least (I've a birthday party tomorrow to go to and i'll have to eat then)" but i'm also thinking "Dad's going somewhere tomorrow until 6. I can eat whatever I want and he won't judge me! There's so much nice stuff in the kitchen!" "No stop thinking that! That's not nice stuff, that's horrible condensed fat!" And so on so on.

So I want to fast monday through to Friday after normal study but I don't know if i'll be able. I might fast monday and tuesday and eat 200 cals Wednesday. Fast Thursday and Restrict to under 350 Friday. Fast Saturday and Restrict Sunday along with two hours  in the gym to burn up to 1000 cals total (I can burn 500 an hour by fast walking on the treadmill on full incline) So that's the plan and I'm going to try really hard to abide by it. I'm sick of sounding like a broken record. I need to stick to my plan for once!

I really hope the party next week is fun. I need to ask Steven some serious questions. He's being very strange and I need to know he actually likes me and isn't just stringing me along in the hopes I'll sleep with him. Of course I'm not going to ask him that straight out but I need to know he actually likes me properly. Fingers crossed he does. He seems like a nice guy but you never know. I haven't got the best luck with guys.
Infact I haven't got the best luck with anything.

I'm going to go hate myself some more. I'll write Monday night to confirm I'm fasting. Mabye I won't crack if I know i'll have to face posting my failure for all to see. I hate failure. Almost as much as I hate myself right now =/
Wish me luck. I'm going to need it.
Stay lovely
XxXx

2 months left!

I had a shock today. But while most people are getting a shock due to the fact that there isn't much time left before the leaving cert starts, i'm shocked at how little time I have left to get down to my goal weight for Summer and I need to take proper advantage of doing late study. I was doing great for ages but my own greed got the better of me and now I only really restrict or eat what I classify as normal (ie 1000-1500) but I want to fast! I need to lose 30lbs by the um 17th of June I think it is. So ya I'm going to start going to the gym every sunday for two hours. I went yesterday and I was burning 525 calories per/hr according to the machine when I was on the tredmill but I spent an hour on the air walker and only burnt 300 calories. Then I bunt a further 200 on the treadmill so 500 total in like 45 mins.This Sunday I want to burn at least 1000 in the gym and then i'm going to go swimming. My Dad's gone away again so I can stay in there all ady if I wantt to lol. I'd love to try burn 3500 cals in one go so I can lose a pound but that'd take like 7 hours? so Ya I won;'t be doing that.

It's my friend Clara's birthday on Sunday but her party is on Saturday and I'm baking her a cake, loads of cuupcakes and making home made choclates for her with Megan tomorrow. Then on Saturday we're going drinking in town and I know well i'll end up binging on chinese food or something. Then next week it's st.Patricks day and we have the Thursday and Friday off so I can't fast those days so I really, really, unbelievably want to fast Monday to Wednesday. I'll do it! Positive thinking! =D
Oh who am I kidding? I've the worst fricking control =(

But I won't let that bring me down. I'm losing, slowly, but still losing. I can fell it. Not on the scales. They haven't changed yet but I can feel it when I wake up. My gap is definetly returning and my legs are much more toned too. My calves are really toned! and when I stand with my arms against my sides they don't cause fat to push out on my upperarms (I really don't know how to explain this but basically my arms are thinner) and my stomach is flatter in the mornings, now to have it flat all day.

Oh and I got some of my mocks back. So far I have 325 points with 600 being the most you can get. I still have two more to get back too. I got the total possible amount of marks that I could get in LCVP which is a distinction or the equivilent to a C1 in a normal class so 70 points there. Then I got an A2 in Biology and Home Ec so that's 90 points in each. I got 74% in English which is 1% off a B2 so sadly I only got a B3 so that's 75 points. I'm getting French back tomorrow and Geography soon. Then I'll get Irish and maths back but I only need to use the points from my 6 best subjects and that won't include maths or Irish.
If I get this good in the actual Leaving Cert I'll be the happiest girl in the world.

And a quick update about Steven. We had a half day yesterday so I asked him if he wanted to hang out after school. He said he had to cook dinner but he could hang out for like 40 minutes so we just sat in my car in his estate. I really tried to make conversation but he's not the best at making conversation. He told me he's not great at talking to girls so taking that into account it went well. He still doesn't really talk to me in school but I walked out with him after school today and I made so much of an effort to have a good conversation with him with no silences or pauses and it worked, there were none. And I got to give him a proper hug for once, usually the're awkward quick ones in the halls where one of us is kinda sideways. He's going to oxegen this summer and I'm going too and I really hope we start going out properly so we can go together. I'd love that so much. Plus he loves Coldplay as much as I do and Coldplay are going. I can't wait!
Oh and on a slightly creepy note, I love the way he smells! I'm not sure if he wears some sort of lynx stuff or something or if it's just him naturally (If it's him naturally then wow that's amazing lol) but mmm I could still smell him when I was in study after hugging him. That sounds so weird I know but if you could smell him you'd understand.

Well sorry now that was more than a quick not on Steven and here I thought I was going to talk about my food life. Stupid food life <.<
So ya, sorry if I haven't got too much to say about my um food life, it's been the sme for a while now, it usually changes with the weather but no, for once it's steady. Steadily bad that is.

Talk soon, I'll try have better food news. Mabye next time I come on I'll magically be 30lbs lighter and at my first goal. And mabye pigs will fly. *Fingers crossed*
XxX

Peace at last

I had forgotten what this felt like.

It's silent up there. In my head.

There's no shouting.
So screaming.
No blame.
No regret.

Just peace.

Everything is going right for once and there doesn't appear to be any scratches in the disc this time.
I'm losing weight at last so I've passed my plateau. I'm talking to more people lately, especially those in my year in school and even though I know we won't ever be friends as there's not enough time left in the year to bother with making long lasting ties, it's nice to know i'm not going to feel like a loner in the corner if my regular friends are all busy or out sick. Things with Steven are going well and I really like spending time with him, he makes me feel secure and safe and happy (Although I feel fat when we puts his arm on my waist but if I keep losing like I currently am I hope that won't last much longer) and I don't feel so overwhelmed by food anymore, as in I feel like I can actually control myself now. Not to the extent of never binging but it's definetly reduced and if it's reduced, that means less time spent wrapped up in my head with all my pent up anger and self hatred. And if it's reduced I'll be skinny soon. I'll be thin and i'll be perfect. I'll blow away in the wind like the perfect petal I know I can become.

I've also stopped with the SH/SI. I want the scars gone too which is odd because I used to like them. Little reminders on my skin of the bad things that people can do to if I let them get too close and if I depend on them too much. Of what happens when they drop me and leave me smashed on the floor, forced to find a way to put myself back together again. Scars where the stitches loosely held me together. Keeping me on the verge of falling off the other end and splitting in two. I want the stitches to close completely. To become part of my skin again. To grow stronger and tougher so that in future it'll be much more difficult for anyone to hurt me. I used to be strong uut something went wrong along the way and now I see these scars not as a good thing, not of how I over came the hard times but as a reminder of how I broke in the first place.

So today marks the first day where I feel genuinely happy. Where I actually mean it when I say I want to be happy and forget my regrets. It may even be a step in the direction of recovery. To be quite frank, recovery scares the shit out of me. When I hear the word I think of being fat and in the hands of others. Being completely dependent on someone else. Having them feed and care for me. Having others ask me how I am every minute of the day and having my answers analysed with a fine tooth comb. Each word being checked for a possible double meaning. Being told how I should feel and think and look. Being babied in every sence possible. I'm sure it's nothing like that but even the concept of changing any of this freaks me out.
I don't like to think about it. So i'm not going to anymore. Not until it I really need to.

So ya, new day, new me, all that. I have a feeling this week will be even better than this last one. If i'm in the state of mind I'll be don to 9stone (126lbs) by next Sunday without a doubt. Oh ya I forgot to mention I'm 9 and a half stone now / 133lbs (I was right about the weight I lost the last day being water weight but half of it was real weight loss) and that's me first goal, my goals go down in half stones so next is 9 stone, then 8 and a half.... and so on. On monday I'm only going to eat an apple. Tueday I'm having an apple and melba toast. Wednesday i'm fasting in school then I'll probably have to have dinner as i've a half day in school. Thursday I'm fasting all day and Friday I'm fasting in school and then I'll restrict for the rest of the day. Saturday I'm restricting and Sunday I'm restricting. Oh and lent starts this Wednesday so I'll have to narrow down what exactly I'm defining as unhealthy foods for my friends when they ask. Oh and pancake tuesday, I forgot about that, I really hope my dad was serious when he said he wasn't making any. If he does I might allow myself one but I'll do extra exercise to make up for it.

Oh and I got my hair cut so that's further helping with the new me thing. It's jsut shorter and with a fuller side fringe. My friends keep making it into a full fringe and I look really funny with one of those. Mabye the haircut was the change I needed. I bet haircuts are the real answer to internal happiness <.< If that's true i've bene wasting alot of my time when I could have been getting my hair done.

Bye so, I'm going back to get my hair done again so this happiness doesn't wear off too quickly =P
Stay safe, stay strong.
Xx

Fasting for Charity and the people who annoy me

As I was saying yesterday, people in my school were fasting today for the Trocaire Charity fast. So today the majority of people were doing their fasts. The amount of people I wanted to shout at."Oh i'm soooo hungry I haven't eaten since last night!" Okay so I get that for normal people that's a long time but I hadn't eaten in almost two days and I wasn't complaining. Not that i'd dare complain. Now some of the girls who were fasting weren't annoying, I understand people get hungry, I get hungry, but at least they were only saying things like "I'm started to feel hungry now, and it's break so I feel like I should be eating" but then there were the few who were walking around clutching their stomachs and acting like they could keel over any minute. Their facebook status's are about how they're counting down the last few hours before they can go back to stuffing their faces and forget this whole experience. Isn't the fast meant to make them think about how the starving people in Third world contries have to live? I;m sure they don't have a deadlined finish time and a hot meal waiting for them. I'm just glad the fast is over and I won't have to hear them all complain about going a few freaking hours without stupid food.

I on the other hand ate one apple today because my Dad keeps buying me more and I feel bad when they go off. Plus I don't count fruits when I fast unless I eat alot of them. So I fasted from Wednesday night until today at like half 6. Which is good for me and I'm pleased. I also weighed myself and I'm down 4lbs so I'm 131lbs at the moment but some of that is water weight but not all of it because usually when I fast I only lose to about 133lbs so I lose 2lbs so I'm hoping i'm now 133lbs natural weight which would be great because I've only really been restricting lately and I know it's better in the long run not to lose through fasting. But I'm still planning on fasting this Monday and Tuesday or at least two days between Monday and Thursday.

Also for anyone who's interested the thing with Steven is going okay, I didn't hang around with him today because he was doing something for some teacher but I walked down with him after school and he was actually texting me back earlier (He's not great with the texting though, he's very inconsistent) and he told Thomas (Who told Tanya, who told me) that he was saying he liked me yesterday which means he isn't getting sick of what I feels like stalking but my friends assure me is just what you do when you want to hang around with the guy you like. I'm going to try and play hard to get now (Well not really, I'm just not going to text him all weekend and on Monday I'll be all like "Oh hi, how was your weekend? Ya mine was great thanks, Alright see ya later" and then I won't hang round with his group at break and I won't go over to him after school but we'll see if he comes over to me because I've make it clear I want him to at least say goodbye to me before he leaves school). It's crazy how young I feel about all this! It's crazy lol.

I feel thinner today too =)
My gap is returning due to my nightly exercises (Now I'm doing this thing where I hold a weight with both hands and stand straight with it raised above my head. Then I squat down and touch the weight off the floor. Then I stand up straight and onto my tip-toes really fast and then I repeat it over and over again making sure I have my back straight and my tummy sucked in tightly) and I can fell my upper arms getting firmer and smaller (I hold the weight over my head and then lower my arms backwards over my back and then lift them back up again, I seen this in some magazine and I think it works, it's working so far anyways).
I can't wait to start runnign again, Now I just have to somehow find some free time during the day when the sun is out.

See ya.
Xx

Yay for Fasting!

Right so I was fasting today and then after school I skipped study as it was far too sunny to stay indoors. So I sat with a few others girls behind this wall near the playground in the village and they started talking about how they were fasting today. I wasn't really listening so I was all like "Wait what!?" but they soon informed me that the Trocaire charity fasts are on today and tomorrow so that's why they were fasting. It just sounded so weird when they said they were fasting. One girl who said she was fasting then started eating chips and a burger and started laughing saying "Of course I'm not actually going to fast, are you mad? I'll collect the money and tell them I did but feck that I need to eat." She's then went on to say things about how those staving in Africa can't blame others, they need to go out and get a job or something or go to college. I wanted to smack her! She's so incensitive. Fuck her though. She's hugh and she always will be.

So when another one of the girls went to get some food I was good and didn't get anything. Not that I had any money but she offered me some of her chips which I easily denied. I avoided lunch at break easily too as I went to a small shop called Spar with my friend Tanya and her boyfriend Thomas who'd friends with Steven (Therefore all Thomas's friend came too including steven) and all the lads bought wedge rolls and sweets but watching lads eat would turn anyones stomach. When I didn't buy anything Steven did comment, asking me why I came to Spar if I wasn't going to get anything. I told him I didn't have any money, and I was hardly going to stay in the school alone.

Before late study I felt so hungry but I also felt strong which to be, overpowers any feeling of hunger. The two girls sitting across from me are quite big and they were wolfing down their dinners despite one of them already having had a full dinner from the fast food place only about two hours ago. The other girl there who's average weight was having pasta carbonara but I don't like her personally so I liked watching her eat those icky calories. My friend Clara got so happy and excited when ever someone new came in with their dinners and kept asking them what it was. I on the other hand kept quite. I wanted to know what they were eating, By god I really did, when I'm hungry I love listening to other people tell me what they're eating because I know I'm not eating that and I feel good then. But the difference is my friend Clara will be eating that (Or something similar, some sort of dinner anyways).

So I'm at home now and my Dad's not here. Not too sure where he is but I'm sorta glad he's not here. I'm so determined not to eat today that i'm not worried an unattended kitchen will see me fall at the last hurdle. Infact, I might go watch some tv while skipping. Ya that sounds like a good plan. I need to catch up on my shows but I also need to do my exercise and I can only really skip when he's not here.

Talk soon.
Xx

Fire!!!

My school went on fire today.

Nothing major. The alarm went off and no one took it serious, the teachers kept telling us to go back to class but then they went back around to all the classes saying to go outside. It was all very odd. When ew were outside I asked a girl in my class if she smelt smoke and when I turned around there was smoke coming from the roof of the wood work room. Two firebrigades and an ambulance came then and they put out the fire.Turns out one of the machines in the wood work room caught fire while the teacher was using it. No one was hurt though thank god. It was quite funny really. We've always joked that some day the fire alarm will go off and it'll be real and no one will take it seriously and well for once, that happened.

I ate an apple today in school and that's all I planned to eat but with the fire we got sent home early and study was cancelled so I had to have dinner (One pork chop, two pieces of brocolli, two baby potatoes and a slice of cake my dad baked. Stupid Cake <.< )
On Tuesday I ate some of that cake too (I must add it's low calorie, low fat cake so I guess it could be worse, it could have been chocolate cake. Plus I had it early in the morning which is better than at night) and I had some noodles too which I'm extremely guilty about (360 cals).
So my plan this week is failing (Completely!) but I will not give up this time so easily. Tomorrow I WILL only eat an apple and a tangerine in school and I WILL drink 3 litres of water and I WILL go to bed early and get at least 8 hours solid sleep and I WILL do at least a half hour of concentrated strenght woekouts and I WILL talk to Steven in school.......

Ya I couldn't talk to him in school so that side of my plan also failed. I keep walking past where he hangs out (beside his locker with his friends) but every time I walked past he wasn't there and then literally a minute later he showed up but by then I'd already passed. I was texting him all through tuesday though and that was good, I liked just talking to him. He didn't say goodbye on tuesday though and I test him saying "No goodbye? =(" and he text back saying "So sorry, forgive me? =)" and then today after the fire incident, I text him saying "Guess I won't get my goodbye today either =( Stupid fire" and he didn't text back. I get paranoid when people don't text back which may be silly but that's just me. So I was expecting not to hear from him but then when I was standing outside Subway talking to Clara and Orla he came up behind me and put his arm around my waist and gave me a kinda half hug and said something about goodbye but I didn't really hear properly. I was sorta surprised so I just stood there. I wish I'd turned round and hugged him back or asked him if he wasn't in a rush home if he'd like to hang round the village for a while or ask him if he wanted a lift home or well anything.
It's because I'm socially awkward. I can't do anything right in socail situations. But tomorrow I've got to try harder to talk to him in school. He came up to me when I was with my friends so I should be able to go up to him when he's with his friends. I'm just being stupid and over thinking things now.

So tomorrow WILL be better (See how I'm trying to be positive? ) and soon I will be thin and in control again. Oh and also, I was thinking about what I should give up for Easter and I'm thinking anything that's unhealthy. Well that'll be what I'll call it to my friends but to me it'll be anything I classify as sugary, fatty, greasy, heavy, overly starchy or just anything that makes me feel guilty. If I tell people I can't eat Junk foods then they may help me avoid binges because I tend to binge on junk when I'm with friends.

Stay Strong.
Xx

Fatty Mc Fat Fat

Nanananana FATMAN (or girl)

I feel so fat today. Like I am fat but today I feel all awkward and like extra fat. Just more than usual. Doesn't help that I had to eat loads today. My dad made me really. (Chicken kiev and chips - I went to a restaurant/bar place with my Dad, Rice and 4 squares of chocloate - I've no one to blame for this but myself and one chicken fillet with more chips - My dad cooked it and went and bought chips for the chip shop, don't know why he's practically made me have two dinners today) So ya I had a lot and I'm really surprised every time I get on the scales and it hasn't changed, I'm expecting it to have moved up by at least 5 pounds.

My dad's going away tomorrow again (I think, unless he's changed his plans last minute) and it's also my first day back to school so that's great news. There's also nothing in the house foodwise so that's even beter news. I'm planning on getting up and spending lots of time making myself look nice and pretty and doing lots of strenght exercises before school.Then I'm going to try and actually concentrate in school but I'm also going to hang out with Steven for a little while (I'll talk more about what's happened with him in a minute) and then I'll study loads in after school study rather than reading a book or drawing or making meal plans like I tend to do a lot (Study actually burns so many calories =D and the brain works best using fatty acids so that's another plus, who knew boring old study could be so helpful?). So tomorrow I'm fasting and I want to fast on Wednesday too and then restrict to 100cals (3 rice cakes and a few sprays of that one cal butter spray) on Thursday and fast in school on Friday but I'm going to get contacts after school on Friday so I won't be at study so my Dad may feed me, we'll see.

My skin is terrible lately! It's making me really self concious. Great, another thing to add to my self-loathing list. =C I'm also low on foundation and I won't be able to get more till Saturday so that means a week of using my back up one which is too dark as I'm really pale in winter. That or I'll just use concealor.

Right so update on Steven. I was really bored yesterday so when he fiinally text back I asked him if he wasned to hang out for a bit. So I drive down to the village and picked him up and we drove around for a bit. I wasn't sure where we were going but we ended up parked behind the school. I was trying to find a song to put on that we'd both like but I haen't a clue what kind of music he likes. I told him I couldn't find a good song so he took out his IPod and let me look through it and surprise surprise he actually had loads of stuff on it I listen to. He also told me he hates rap so hooray! I can't stand rap (Eminem excluded). He said he like drum and base though....
So we were talking for a little while but I was being my shy old self to it was only small talk. Then he said something along the lines of "Well come on I didn't come here for nothing" and leant over and kissed me. I hadn't enough time to take in what he said but I really hope he didn't mean it in a way like "I'm only here to shift ya, I couldn't care less about you really". I decided I didn't care though and just went with it. I won't going into great detail but we ended up in the back seat lol. Then I told him I wanted to go for a walk because I wanted to talk to him but I just didn't know what to say and we ended up making out again on our walk. Some walk, we got about ten meters from the car. I dropped him home then and when I was driving home I passed a bunch of lads in his estate and they all stopped what they were doing and stared at me. It was weird. I was texting him today which was good so fingers crossed I'll get a proper conversation out of him tomorrow.

This blog is during into a different sort of blog now isn't it. Sorry about that.I promise I'll have some low figures to share soon ;)

Speak soon.
Xx

Partay!

So I went to a guy in my year's 18th Birthday last night. I hadn't expected it to be too good. Just alright. I got served which was great, didn't even need to use my fake ID. I did a vodka shot with Sean, the guy who's birthday it was. He's so fricking hot and he's probably the only noce good looking guy in my year. I bought him a shot and he was telling me that he was trying to get a slideshow of him as a baby up on the projector but they wouldn't let him and then he started showing me the back of his phone where his girlfriend Sadbh carved her name. He looked so sad at that moment, I felt really sorry for him. I asked him where she was even though I already knew she was in Ciprus and then we did the shot and he gave me and hug and a kiss on the cheek and said thanks and that he'll talk to me later.
  Then I went dancing with a few of the girls from school and then I met This guy called David when I was helping a friend who was really drunk get outside. David's really nice and I sorta like him but I just want to be friends with him, he's dead on. So I convinced him to do a shot of purple Haze (his friend told me to get one as they were out of Vodka). Then I went to the bathroom and when I came back they were all gone so I went looking for them in the smoking area. I found them but I didn't really want to walk straight over to them so I went to my other friends and stared talking to them. That's when this guy called Steven  came over. Now all night prior to this a guy called Eoin kept asking my friend Tanya to ask me if i'll get with him. He's liked me since like 3rd year so for like 2-3 years.I don't like him at all, not even as a friend, he's an idiot. This guy Steven came over and asked me if I'd get with Eoin. Now I used to like Steven in 3rd year and Tanya actually told him on the last day of school but he had a girlfriend I didn't know about so nothing happened. When I told him I really didn't like Eoin he went off to tell Eoin but couldn't find him. I on the other hand had and he was sorta behind me, so when I seen Steven walking back towards me asking where he was I sorta turned him round saying "Well he's difinetly not over there". Then my friend Clara came over and stood behind steven pointing at him and winking to me. Then Steven put his arm around my waist and when Clara left he started saying stuff about how he remembered what Tanya said to him in 3rd year about me liking him. And I ended up kissing him and then everyone was saying stuff beside us so we went inside.
  So ya we made out for a long time lol but I'm really glad, I needed that after the whole Otto business (Not sure I've mentioned that on here but he's my ex and It's taking me ages to get over him because he keeps coming back and then fuking off again) We had to keep moving because people kept interupting us and at one point we were sprawled on the couch in the corner of the room, Classy I know ;) When the party was over he said he was walking to the village to get a cab with his friends back to their house and I was also walking to the village to get home so we walked together. He gave me his hoodie which was really sweet 'cause it was freezing out and that meant he would be cold. So everytime he said it was cold I gave him a hug to try and warm him up. We walked together with one of his arms around my waist and we held hands too which Was also sweets because he could have easily just called a taxi to colect him from the bar, they don't charge extra but I think he actually wanted to spend those extra few minutes together. Oh and another sweets thing he did was dance with me despite his pleas that he hates and can't dance but he did anyways just to keep me happy.
  On the walk his friends kept joking that I was secretely a vampire because I gave him a terrible hicky. Oops. I was afraid I'd give a bad hicky you see, one that was barely visible so I went all out and ended up leaving him with a really bad bruise. Two actually. Mine isn't bad at all but I still have to hide it from my Dad. When we were saying goodbye I kissed him on his neck and said sorry for the bruise which made him laugh and He told me I could hold onto his hoodie but I gave it back anyways although It would have been nice to keep it and then I'd have a reason to go up and talk to him in school on Tueday. He also told me he'd text me but then realised he didn't have my number so he asked me to text him and I could get his number off Tanya. I already have his number though. His brother gave it to me ages ago (Long story, one I can barely remember). I didn't want to text him too soon though, can't seem despearte or anything but Tanya text me this morning and told me he text her looking for my number but she told him she'd ask me if that was okay first. She text him back my number when I told her it was okay but he never text me so I decided I should text him since that's wha we agrgeed on. I text him saying "Hey, It's Lisa C= How's the neck? lol " But he hasn't text back. He siad last night he had no credit but he did say something about having free calls and texts to meteor and I'm with Meteor. My phone number says I'm with Vodafone though so He might think I'm not. I'm just going to have to wait and see him on Tuesday I suppose. I feel so weird right now though, like I'm much younger than I am. An innocent little school girl or something. I'm definetly not the kind of girl who checks her phone every five minutes hoping for a text from some guy or who gets butterflies in her stomach every time she gets a text because it could be from him. I just hope it's not awkward in school and that mabye he wasn't drunk last night so that he doesn't regret anything. He didn't seem drunk.

On a food side of things, I can't wait to get back to school simply because I miss the regime. I miss the ability of being able to avoid food for so long and when I go back I want to fast and restrict to under 200 cals a day. Drink pleanty of water as my skins taking a turn for the worse and I want to get back into my bedtime exercise regime. If anything happens with Steven I'm going to have to step this up a notch, Gota look good ;). He's really thin, like lean. He has the start of a six pack so he's not too big and bulky, just as I like 'em ;) So I know if anyhing did happen with him I'd go back to how I was when I was going out with Otto. Otto is so thin and he never eats so that made me not eat either, like He always ended up force feeding me because he'd notice me not eating. Steven does eat though because unlike Otto he's normal so It'd be harder to avoid eating like I used to but also, If the guy isn't fat and I feel like I'm heavier than them my appetite disappears in seconds and it'll stay gone for weeks.

Apologise for the long winded blog updats but I just wanted to write this stuff down. It's nice to have a place to talk about all these things and unlike in keeping a written Diary this isn't really private. A written diary is so private that I may as well just keep everything in my mind unspoken and locked up with the key thrown off a bridge. Even if no one reads my blog at least it's not private and I won't know if no one reads it, and as they say, what you don't know can't hurt you.

Bye lovelies.
Stay strong and wish me luck with this guy ;)
XxXx

Re:London

 Warning: Plesae don't read this unless your really interested, it's quite long. It's just about how my trip to London went and I'm writing it more for my benefit to have a document for when I'm older than anything else, I think that's what this blog is truely about for me. I'd rather have a written one but I never keep those so this is the next best thing.

 So I went but turns out is was far from free and even though when I found that out I told my Dad I didn't have to go because he told me he's in deep debt at the moment and has to find like 10,000 euro by the end of the month and you have no idea how bad I felt when he told me he paid for the tickets anyways =(
  It was so stressful too. My friends mom who brought us didn't do the online check in until the morning and then she couldn't do it in the morning as you have to check in online at least 4 hours before the flight. So when we got to the airport she was old she'd have to pay 40euro on each ticket to check in and she ended up starting a fight with the airport people who threathened to kick her out if she didn't calm down. She did eventually and we moved on to the security checks where me and my Friend M got through fine because we came prpared, not wearing anything with metal in it and wearing runners rather than boots and with all our liquids in the proper bags. When my friend C and her mom went through though C had to take off all her jewellery and her boots and then her bag got searched because she has a big can of hairspray in it, a small can of body spray and foundation and lipstick which weren't in liquid bags. I'd asked her in the car if she had any liquids she needed to put in my bag and she told me she had hairspray, I old her you can't bring that on as hand lugage but shew didn't listen and so it got confiscated. Luckily the guy let her put her other stuff in my liquid bag but her mom had stuff too in the wrong sized bag so they all got confiscated including a big bottle of olay cream which is really expensive (That was over 100ml so I don't know why she even brought it).
We were also late for the plane and arrived there just as the y were opening the gates rather than the recommended hour before take off.
 The plane journey was fine and then we got the bus to Victoria but her mom hadn't booked anywhere for us to stay so we were technically homeless. When we got to Victoria she brought us to this steakhouse and I really didn't want a steak. I told ehr I wasn't very hungry and I'd be fine with some chips and some brocolli (still alot but far better than a steak and chips) but she kept saying "Don't be silly you need to eat to survive and it's been a long day" I wasn't even remotely hungry.
 She eventually organised an apartment we could stay in which belonged to her brothers friend who lives in London so we got a tube to Earlcourt and met her brother. The apartment was tiny but it did the job. Me, M and C stayed in the main room on fold out couches and C's mom stayed in the tiny bedroom beside it. Wew then went to Sainsburys to get milk and cereal and fruit and stuff like that and while C's mom had a cigarette outside we all went in to buy noodles. We found the noodles but it took us ages and on the way we'd accumulated lots of sweets. I found a chocolate duck and I couldn't resist buying it (I have a problem with ducks). I also found marmite crisps which I bought for my dad for his birthday next week (They smell rotten but he loves marmite). My friend M bought pringles and C bought cereal and chocolate straws and we also bought some chicken dippers for the next days dinner as we were going to dinner at C's aunts house who cooks weird food and we knew we wouldn't be eating it.
 When we got back to the apartment C's mom started the babying. She treated us like we were 6. "Are ye okay?" "Are ye hungry?" "Are ye tired?" "Go to bed now Or ye'll be too tired in the morning to get up". I know she didn't mean anything bad but come on, if we were hungry we know where the kitchen is, if we were tired we'd go to slepp and we know when we have to get up, we know when we have to go to sleep, we're 17 not 11.
 The next morning we got up at 17. Well, when I say we I mean me and M. C and ehr mom didn't get up or else her mom did but stayed on her computer doing emails for ages. It took us so long to get C up, she's so lazy. When we eventually left, me, M and C left C's mom and went shopping on high Kensington street. That was shit and then we went to Camden Market which was really fun and cool. But I needed to change some money into pounds and my friends wouldn't come with me so I had to wander around looking for a bureau de change in the dark in a mini skirt and these creepy guys kept coming on to me. One guy in one shop was like "Come here for a minute I have to tell you something....I love you *creepy smile*". Ya I wouldn't recommend doing that. When we got the tube back then I was already kinda pissed that my friends practically ditched me so when I was trying to explain to them that we were on the wrong side of the tracks I ended up telling them to fuck off and I stormed off because they wouldn't listen and they kept saying "I dunno anything about tubes". All I was trying to tell them was that we're facing the wrong fricking direction! When we were on the tube then M said to me "Oh we have to go back now, we're going the wrong direction" .....I wanted to push her onto the tracks.
 When we got back then an hour later than planned we went to C and her mom's relatives house for dinner. Chilli con carni.....mmm my favourite.... I ended up giving it to C's cousin.
 When we got back to the apartment we made noodles and chicken and I binged on that because I was pissed off and for some reason I like to make myself angrier by making things worse by eating.
 The next day it was even harder to get C and her Mom up to go and we didn't leave till almost 1pm. We went to Oxford street and because my feet were dead from wearing high heels the day before I stuck to wearing jeans and runners. Everyone around me was so thin or so nicely dressed or they just looked so at ease in their skin. I on the other hand was trying to get as far out of mine. I was constantly tugging at my t-shit or my jeans or my hair or whatever. I felt so horrible with myself and C kept saying "ah well" when ever I said I felt horrible or else she'd say something liike "You look grgand don't worry" but I felt worse when she ascted so at ease because she's bigger than me and if she's able to feel so comfortable looking like that and I can't now, will I every feel better? I darn hope so, It's what i've been counting on.
  After we got bored of Oxford street we decided to go back to Camden. It's so much fun there. I had great fun this time, much better than the day before, alone and being creeped out every two minutes. I bought a new wrist band which I really needed as my old one was getting old and tattered and I hate what it resembles (funny how I used to love it's meaning or rather the person it meant). I also bought loads of cool jewellery (including a bird cage which I've wanted for ages but they're like 25 euro in Ireland. It was only 10 pounds.
And we didn't get lost when we were getting the tubes back to the apartment wither. I did cave and bought some chicken from the chinese food stands when we were leaving though but it tasted too good for me to feel guilty about. I feel guilty about it now though.
  When we were back at the apartment C's mom wanted us to all go have one last meal out before we headed home the next morning (I was soooo happy <.< ) but when we were walking down the street her mom had a bad pain in her chest. She said it was like a cramp but it was under her bottom two ribs and it lasted too long to be just a cramp so she got us to call a taxi and we all headed to A&E. In the taxi she was freaking out, worrying and making ten times more of a deal out of the situation than required. SHe kept saying she should have called an ambulance...
At the hospital they told her to take a seat but a few minutes later she sent C up to tell them it was getting worse and they told ehr to come straight through. Then their family came up and about an hour later me and M (who were still in the A&E waiting room) were informed on what was happening. They thought she had a blood clot in her lung and so she was having tests done and would have to stay over night. C's uncle gave us some money and told us to go get some dinner (chicken and potatoes and bread and butter pudding....)
 We went back to the hospital after that and spent about another hour waiting for more news. We then worked out the plan for getting home the next day and C decided she was going to stay there with her mom. So me and M had to get home by ourselves.
  We didn't get back to the apartment until half 1 and then we had to pack which was impossible as we had so much stuff. I could fit everything in my bag except for my high heel boots but I eventually got them to fit by rolling up my new dresses and stuffung them into the shoes to make room. M however had a smaller bag than me and had bought way more than  me but her stuff all fitted in the end. We thought i'd be best to stay up all night rather than risk sleeping in as by then it was almost half 3 and we needed to be up at 6am. M crashed at 4am however and I've never been more jealous in my life. I was so tired but I knew if I went to sleep we'd sleep in. So I set my alarm and hid my phone under the bed and turned on the tv before risking lying down. I also got dressed (in about 6 t-shirts as I couldn't fit them in my bag) and did my make up so at least if we did sleep in I could get up and run literally. I fell asleep sometime between half 4 and 5am. and M woke me at 6am. We left at half 6 and got the tube (which was so hectic as it was rush hour and everyone was rushing to work) and then the Stansted direct train. We got to the airport at half 8 for a half 11 train. That meant a lot of waiting around but we were just so happy we'd actually made it without getting lost. M bought a suitcase then (she only had a gearbag and the zip had broken) and then we went and found a secluded corner so we could transfer all her stuff from one bag to the other then we sat there for about an hour just relaxing. We then bought a bunch of KrispyKream doughnuts because M had so much change and we don't have KrispyKreams in Ireland and we needed to drown out sorrows. We went through customs at about 9:45 and everything was going well but then we got randomly spot checked to have our bags weight just as we were approaching our plane. My bag was just under the 10kg limit but M's was 3kgs over so she had to pay 35pounds to have it stowed. Great.
  The flight was short as I fell asleep and then M's dad collected us in Knockto bring us home. I met my Dad  when I got home just as he was leaving for three days and I binged on jaffa cakes, rice and chicken dippers. I was just glad to be home. I fell asleep on the couch then and went to bed at half eight. I read for an hour and then slept at half nine until half 11. I got up this morning and just lounged around the house in my night dress with my hair all greasy and in dire need of a shower. I'm going out tonight too so I really need to start getting ready and clean myself up. Oh I also need to go to the shop to replace the things I binged on.

At least it was memorable.
I'm glad I didn't have to stay over there like C did though.
It's good to be home.

Bye  C=
Xx

London

My friend has invited me to go to London with her and my other friend in two days time and it's going to be so much fun. We're going to get to go shopping and get loads of nice new clothes and we're going to have so much fun messing together and having a laugh ect.

I don't want to go.

What's wrong with me?
Anyone would jump at the mere sight of a free holiday right? Not this girl. I just keep thinking about all the negatives to going.
Negative number 1 (and the main one): My friend is fat (I know that's mean to say but hey, she is) and she eats alot and all the time and her mom loves to feed her and anyone else nearby (ie. us, her friends) so they'll do they're best to fatten me up if I go and I'm weak at the moment, I don't know if i'll be able to argue my case with them. It's so much work having to think of new excuses and when your staying with people you can hardly say you'll eat later now can you?
Negative number 2: I hate packing and I have no clothes. I know I'll get clothes when I'm there but I really don't want to have to spend hours going through my wardrobe looking for clothes I don't feel like a whale in. Then there's the fact everyone in London will have amazing clothes and amazing style and they'll just look amazing compared to me the big ugly elephant staring at them.
Negative number 3: Cuts. Having to hide them. they always ask me why I wear my bracelets to bed at sleepovers and that's just for one day, this'll be for three. And as with negative number 1 I'm too tired to have to find explinations. Also in accordance to negative 1, if I get really down by being forced to eat by them I might want to cut, you can't bring razors onto planes now can you? I'm going to be in such a bad mood if I can't get my release (I sound like a druggie).
And negative number infinity: I'm a lazy spoil sport who is afraid to do things in case they go wrong. Here's where people would normally say FML but I don't do that so i'll just stick to saying "Fuck!"

On a plus (I always try and have one, sorry, this'll be long), I went out last night for the first time in months. For once I didn't completely lie to my Dad. Usually I'd tell him I was going to the cinema or something and then go out drinking in some park with my friends. This time I couldn't have possibly lied as it was this guys birthday and everyone was going to the pub at 8 and then clubbing at like 1am or something. So I told him it was one of the girls birthday and we were going to go for a chinese and then to the pub as she was going to be 18 and wanted to have a drink to  celebrate. Now my dad hasn't a clue I drink so he didn't mind me going. I ended up drinking a naggen of vodka in the space of about ten minutes and then getting a double vodka and orange juice in the pub. I haven't been drunk since early last July so this was alot to me. I ended up spending all night trying to sober up lol. I went home then and my dad knew well I was drunk. He said I was slurring my words. I told him I had some smirnoff ice which isn't really drinking and now he's calling me an alco. I'd love to see his face if he knew I was downing a naggen ten minutues after he dropped me at the Chinese. Or if he knew I've been drinking since I was 14. Or that I've drank a litre of vodka in one night because I though this girl was trying to steal my drink and the only place she couldn't reach it from was my stomach so I drank it all really quickly. I also think I smoked last night. Just cigarettes but still, I hate smoking. I also tried to sneak into the club because I haven't got my fake ID made yet. I have a template and now all I have to do is put a picture into it and laminate it and I'll be good to go. My friend finished making her's and she got into a club last night (Not the one I was at though) so I know it'll work.
My dad is also going away next Friday until Sunday so I'm going clubbing in town with a girl I haven't seen in ages as she moved schools and then on Saturday I'm going to a guy in my years birthday so this weekend should be good.

I'm determined to make this week good as I'm on midterm now and when I go back to school I'll have to study study study (damn school <.<)

Sorry for the long boring story.
By bye.
Xx

Slight progress...I suppose

Right, so Tuesday went okay, actually no it really didn't. I realised that my English exam wasn't until the afternoon so I stayed home that morning. At 11am I had chicken and noodles (145 cals for the noodles, 200 cals for the chicken) and then after I really really wanted popcorn(350 cals). I managed to hold off the craving for about an hour but then I cracked and I made some. I ate half of it and brought the rest to school (If I'm going to eat my friends have to at least see as proof). Then my friend bought me a cookie <.< (140 cals)
When I got home after study my dad told me I could either eat the mince in the fridge or this weight watchers microwave dinner theing he'd bought me (344 cals total but I didn't eat the sauce so I'd say 270 cals)
 Total: 1,105 cals
Now I know that's not too bad, it's hardly a binge (At least it was spaced out throughout the day) but still, I really could have avoided the popcorn and possibly the cookie if I protested enough.

Today I ate an apple at lunch (30 cals, it was small and I didn't eat it all) and then I didn't have anything before study because my friend C wasn't there and none of the other girls would notice my not eating. When I got home however my dad had bought me two fancy cupcakes from Dublin where he was today and I had to eat them. He told me they were expensive which made me feel really bad when I thought about throwing them away or giving them to my friends in school tomorrow. So I ate them (350 cals each?) and now I'm going into binge mode. It's all that sugar, it just triggers my brain to want MORE. I might have the mince in the fridge. There isn't much there and I can still manage to eat under 1000 cals today if I use 1 cal butter frying spray to cook it and skip to carbs. Ugh, stupid cupcakes <.<

 On an exam note, they went great today and tuesday but tomorrow is going to be terrible. Geography and Maths paper 2. Ya I'm prepared to fail. Oh well. I'm more focused on trying to think of a way to get to go to a birthday party on Saturday. The guy who's birthday it is is SOOO hot =D and he's nice too =)

Peace out,
Stay strong,
Xx

Finally

A good day for once. Good by my standards of course. Of course there's always room for improvement but I don't feel to guilty today.

I did good in my mock exams (today was biology and Irish) and at lunch I 'ate' melba toast (aka I pretended to eat it when my friends were looking but I really just crushed it in my hand and threw it on the grass for the birds) and I ate half a packet of melba toast before late study at 6 o clock (threw the other half away when my friend went down to get her dinner off her mom) and I ate two roses sweets (caramel ones, my favourite) as my friend's mom gave her a bag of roses sweets and she doesn't like them (I'm glad I only had two, gave the rest away to other people).
When I got home my dad told me there was chicken in the fridge and noodles for my dinner. He also baked these half cupcake, half scone things. I'm not hungry though so I will not ruin a good day.

I have a splitting headache now and tomorrow probably won't go well. I have only one exam in the morning (english) and I might sign out after and come home while everyone else does their exam (for the subjects I don't do) and I should never be left in a house alone when hungry. Should be a law or something.

 I'm going to stick on some music in my room now, do my strength workout for half an hour, read and then i'll get an early night and mabye that'll help my headache. I really hope i'm not dehydrated, if I am I won't be able to get an accurite weight at my next weigh in. I'll bring 3 litres of water to school tomorrow. That should solve the problem (unless I'm not dehydrated).

Anyways. Nighty night.
Stay strong <3
Xx

Mood Swings

One minute

Everything is fine, I'm fine, no one is bothering me or making me upset, I look in the mirror and I don't completely hate the girl staring back.

Then BAM!

The next minute

I HATE EVERYTHING
(sorry for excessive capitals use)

My dad's pissing me off, I want to break the stupid mirror, I want to rip my arms off, then my legs and thrown them down the stairs before throwing the rest of me out a twenty storey building.

Then I begin to calm down and feel better when someone says (or doesn't say anything at all and just ignores me) something stupid, something they most likely meant no harm by and I crash. I fall down into the bottomless pit which I'm sure I've dug for myself by myself.

When I'm down in the pit (or falling down it as it is bottomless afterall) I begin to think, and I mean really think (I wish I never had any deep thoughts, life would be so much easier as a brainwashed, braindead idiot) I just make myself feel worse and It takes somebody else to come along and pull me back out of the pit before I start to feel remotely better again.

My problem? I'm running out of people who will pull me out. I mean seriously. Where have all my friends gone? Or how come I didn't have any to begin with? Have I ever had a true friend? One with no alterior motives? Hidden agendas? One who I could be 100% myself around? One who I never had to tip-toe around or stay quiet because they were in a bad mood? One who'd never thrown me full force into that pit?
Every time I ask myself this question I say no. Now that's sad. Not in a tears and crying sad. Just sad. I'm 17 with not a single person who would thrown themselfs headfirst into that pit to save me. I used to. At least I think I did. Where are they now?

I was in a place last year where I felt completely and utterly alone. Like I had no one. I locked myself in my room all day. My dad asked me why I was becoming a hermit. I don't even want to think about what my friends thought. I lost lots of weight though so that was a bonus. Oh and I started self harming. Almost forgot about that. My point is it was a horrible place and one which I really don't want to have to visit ever again but I feel like i'm being pulled back. Correction, dragged back. I've already stopped talking to a hugh chunk of my friends. The ones who aren't in my school, I don't ever talk to them anymore. The ones in my school? I talk to a minimum of 5 of them and only two of those I talk to outside school.
I've also kinda sorta  mabye relapsed on the whole self harm front. I may have mentioned already but um ya I have and I've stopped wanting to stop too. I want to see the blood. I like watching it (I'm weird, I know but I don't care).

I want to get really drunk and forget everything.

On the food side of things then;

My newest goal is to eat a weekly total of the RDA for one day (2000 cals) so that i'm undereating by 6 days. So If my calculations are correct I can eat 200 calories monday to thursday, then 400 on friday, saturday and sunday. Or I can fast on one or more of the week days and up the calories on the weekend (good for special occassions with the family ect).
I'm not sure why I want to do this but there's just something special about using the daily RDA as a weekly RDA. I just want to do it once, then I'll go back to eating as little as possible, but that doesn't seem to be working lately. I've gained 3lbs so I'm back to 138lbs. Oh I miss the day when I stood on the scale and I had reached 119lbs. Just as I was beginning to lose it all went downhill. Story of my life.

Oh and I've been food and recipe hunting and so far I've added frozen grapes and rice cakes with that 1 cal spray butter stuff to my safe foods list (even though that butter spray is for frying and it tastes sorta weird, it's still better than dry rice cakes). I'm still trying to decide if I should count fruit and veg calories. I currently do but I might not, I mean I don't eat that many anyways, just an apple a day and what ever I get at dinner time but their healthy and I want to be healthy I suppose. I dunno. For now I'll continue counting them.

I'd better go study now. I have my mock exams all this week and It;s going to be one long long week.   Hope everyone's keeping well.
Stay Safe Xx

I hate Sundays

I'm in such a bad place today. I had to get out of the house so I grabbed my mp3 player and just walked and walked with no specific destination. I live near a park and the coast and it was a reasonably nice day (compared to the horrible stormy last few days we've been having) so there were loads of other people out walking too. Every time I seen a family I had to fight back the tears. I found myself jealous of little kids in buggies and toddlers dragging their feet, not wanting to go home. So i left the park and headed down towards the sea. I didn't make myself feel any better with my music choice. Songs about death, longing and loss. I started crying eventually, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I didn't care about the weird looks I was getting, I got to a spot where there's a little path with a stone bench overlooking the sea where you can watch the sunset. Beside the bench there's a sheer drop down to the actually shore, a man made wall to preserve the origiinal path so people can still walk along it. I climbed doen onto the srore and just sat on a big stone leaning against the wall crying my eyes out. I don't know what brought this on but all these emotions just came flooding out at once.
    The word 'Never' replayed over and over in my head. I thought about all the things I'd never do again. I thought about how i'd never see my mom again. How when I'm older I won't be able to call in to see my mom for a cuppa and a chat like my friends all will. I thought about all the things I took for granted. I thought about how all I wanted was for her to climb down onto the shore too and just hold me and tell me everything would be okay. Even if I could have just imagined her there, that would have been something. But I can't. I'm starting to forget key details about her. How she smelt. Her warmth. Her hugs.
       I'm crying now, I can't even bring myself to type the rest of the things I don't remember about her. I do remember getting mad at her for being so sick. I hated having to be her maid. I used to wish she'd hurry up and die already. I really hope I'm dreaming this. I'm desperate that I never said such a thing, even if only to myself out of pure hatred for what her illness has done to her. I've tried to reassure myself that I meant I wanted her to be at peace because I couldn't bare to see her so sickly and in pain. But I just can't remember what I really truely meant. I want to punish myself for ever being such a selfish child.
       I'm starting to fear for other things I may never do too. For example, I don't want to live here forever. Ireland sucks! But I don't know if i'll ever be able to bring myself to leave my moms grave behind. I've seen deserted graves before. When I was little and I used to visit my grandads grave with my mom I always hated seeing the overgrown graves. The ones where the weeds devoured the pretty flowers and green moss crept up the sides of the tombstone. One in particular was actually cracked. The stone part on the ground in front of the tombstone was split in two but no one would ever come to fix it. That can't happen to her, I won't let it.
    When I was walking home I grew angry. I picked up rocks and threw them hard at the ocean. As I moved further into the bay I became more furious. There was little to no waves and the sea was almost perfect. I hated it being so perfect. Which is odd because usually when I see it like that I want to run home and grab my kayack so I can be a part of its beauty. Not today. Today I wanted everything to be as miserable as me. Plus I'm pretty sure I've gained weight so that just makes me more miserable. Alone and fat. What more could a girl want?
      There was only one person who could have cheered me up today (besides my mom of course but that's impossible) but I have a feeling they won't be cheering me up any time soon. I don't know how I feel about them to be honest. I used to go uot with him but we broke up and I told him I really wanted to still be friends but his new girlfriend hated me so she pretty much banned him from speaking to me. Anyways they broke up and he came back to me saying he was really sorry and he really missed me and still wanted us to be friends. All my friends hate him though and I understand why but what they don't get is I know him differently and I can talk to him about anything. I couldn't care less if he's a bastard to everyone else, he makes me feel better about myself so that should be all that matters right? I don't want to go out with him or anything. I broke up with him for a reason but it would be nice to be able to talk to someone again. Someone who truely knows me. My friends only know the fake me. The smiey, friendly me. He's seen me in my worst places and that has to count for something right?
      Stupid Sundays. Lets hope Tomorrow is better. My dad's going away again so this week will either be great (If I don't binge and only eat my safe foods in school, go to late study and don't eat when I get home) or terribel (I skip study and go to the shop and buy a bunch of food and binge binge ginge and then fail my mock exams because I missed study)
Here's hoping for the first option.
Xx

7lbs in 4 days but it's probably just water weight

Title says it all. Last time I checked I had lost half a stone but I'm almost sure it's just from dehydration. You see, my school had the bright idea to remove all the cold taps in the bathrooms so I can't refill my water bottle now and I'm in there for 12 hours and I don't bring money to school for fear I'll buy food so I can't buy water. Anyways I've only been drinking 1 litre of water a day compared to my usual 3-4 litres.
         On Monday I ate two apples and two packets of melba toast and I ate the same on Tuesday. So I wasn't getting much water from my food either. I fasted Wednesday with only that 1 litre of water too and boy was that a bad idea. Could barely get out of bed this morning (thursday). My head was pounding and so was my heart. When I stood up my vision started to go dark and blurry starting from the bottom up. I had to have a showed which is a really bad thing when I feel this faint. I've blacked out in there before and that wasn't fun!
         So I was standing in the bathroom staring at myself in the mirror trying to decide if mabye I could get away with one day of greasy hair but I looked a state so I had to face the shower and ya I sorta blacked out again. Straight away my vision started to go and usually when I close my eyes for a minute or so I'm fine but nothing improved so I ended up sitting on the floor of the shower washing my hair with my eyes wide open but unable to see a thing. It did pass eventually but it was still quite scary.
         When I went downstairs I drank a bucket load of water and I ate one crispbread (30 cals), one packet of melba toast (75 cals) and a light choices lemon cake square (70 cals, 0.3 g of fat). I hate eating breakfast but I just felt to tired and weak I knew I had to or I'd never get through the day. I ate the lemon cake square to raise my blood sugar levels.
           I had a half day in school (I think I already mentioned that) so I had my mind set that I was going to have to eat dinner. When I got home I just thought "I'll be eating dinner anyways so why not just eat everything?" and that's exactly what I did. Hi again 7lbs, you weren't gone long. Oh and did I mention I lost an inch on my waist? Ya that's probably back now too.
           I felt to sick by the time my Dad got home and cooked dinner. I even tried to get sick just so I could fell better but that didn't exactly work. Sometimes I wish I could just get sick on demand. I hate the post binge feeling so much. It's like my stomach is going to burst!
          Tomorrow (Friday) I don't have late study. It's only on four days a week so that means I'll be having dinner again but mabye if I don't eat lunch or anything in school and then just half my dinner I'll still be able to count it as a restrict. But I'm getting more strict on what I could as a restrict lately. It used to be under 1000 but over 500 was a bad restrict. Then it was if I ate too many 'bad' foods instead of controlled amounts of 'safe' foods. Now it's under 700 and over 400 is a bad restrict.
          The moral of this post is I don't think I should fast after two days of only eating 230 calories per day and barely any water. For one thing I felt terrible this morning and secondly It's a bit too risky of getting caught. A friend commented on the dark circles under my eyes and my other friend then asked me why I'm so tired after I told her I went to bed really early for once.
        
 (I forgot to mention the 4th day, I only talked about 3 of the four days above. On Sunday I restricted too. I slept in and then read in bed for ages so my dad brought me breakfast in bed which I gratefully thanked him for before swiftly putting in under my bed practically untouched besides a small bit of some wholemeal toast. When the coast was clear I then fed most of it to the cat and chucked the rest in the bin. Then I ate an apple and nothing else until he cooked dinner. Pizza and chips. I thanked him again and then took forever to find a glass I liked and fill it with water. He left the kitchen then to eat it in front of the tv and I threw the pizza in the bin, leaving a tiny slice behind on the plate. Then I went on the computer and quickly realised I could throw the chips in the fire, but they took ages to burn and I was getting scared he notice but it was grand in the end. I nibbled at the left behind slice of pizza and a few chips so to him it looked like I ate most of it but stopped because I was full. I fould this, what I did, strange. I just had this sudden urge not to eat. Usually It's the opposite. I want to eat and eat and never stop. But I just looked at the food and I felt sick. Mabye it's because it was greasy junk fod. Especially the breakfast which was a fry up. I'm not sure why I wrote theis but it seems sorta important to me. It was like a turning point I suppose.I feel really different lately.)

I'm so tired still, even after I ate so much that you'd think i'd be bouncing off the walls. So I'm off to bed. Goodnight. Xx

Yay and =(

So today I started late study and it's so weird getting home and having an hour before it's time to go to bed. Annoying too. Today I ate 250 calories (2 packets of melba toast (75x2) and two apples (40x2)) which I'm very happy with. I told my Dad I went to a restaurant and got a full dinner. So that's the yay part.

The =( part. My friend C, her mom drops her dinner down to her and she eats in in the car. My friends told me to sit in the backseat while she ate it and her mom started asking what I had for my dinner. I told her I'm getting dinner when I go home and she said "oh no you can't eat so late it's very unhealthy! I can bring you down dinner too if you like? I'll bring extra tomorrow." ...... 
My friend C is like the only friend I have that does late study so it's not like I can't come with her to her mom when she gets her dinner and I can't lie and tell her mom I got something with C is right there. I might have to tell C i'm going home for dinner and go wait in my car but that'll be a last resort. Mabye I can tell her I'm going home and drive down the road a bit then go for a walk. I'm so sick of lying but I should have guessed it wouldn't be easy. C eats so much! Compared to her I might as well be eating dust! She's always telling me to buy sweets and cookies and junk when she goes to buy stuff and I don't. Usually I just distract her with more food and it's grand but she's going to notice eventually. I am spending twelve hours a day with her technically.

I want to fast tomorrow but I might have to leave it till wednesday so I have more time to think of a way to get around C and her mother.
I have a half day thursday so I'll have to have a proper dinner then and I definetly want to fast at least one day before then, two'd be great though.

I'll figure something out.
Bye for now.
Xx

Quick Update

So much for my plan to write more often. I just keep forgetting I have a blog now! I'll get used to it eventually.

    Tomorrow I'm starting late after school study. Up to know I've been doing regular after school study which is two hours, and it's over at half 6. Late study is 4 hours not including breaks and is over at 9. In a way i'm dreading it and I know the weeks are going to go by so slowly from no on but then I think, Hey I can fast all week if I want to now. My dad's going to give me a weekly allowance to get my own dinner during the breats and I'll probably pack my own lunch instead of eating a big meal in a restaurant or fast food place with everyone else so I'll get to keep the money he gives me which I will put in my find for my end of year trip to the rainforest (more on that later). I think I'll bring one packet of melba toast (75 cals), an apple (40 cals), one crispbread (29 cals) and 1 litre of water tomorrow, then fast tuesday or something.
             I binged for a whole week last week so I need to make up for that and make myself feel better too. I was so angry at myself two days ago because I lost my purse in the cinema because I went to buy popcorn. If I hadn't gone to bloody eat like a pig I wouldn't have lost it. I ended up relapsing on the self-harm front which made me even more angry with myself because I was doing so well on quitting. I'm more determined now than ever!
            I'm really worried one of my friends is onto me. There were some comments on a friends formspring about eating disorders and I left comments too, and someone wrote saying ''I have a friend who never eats lunch in school, is thin but thinks she's fat and is always on about wanting to be thinner. They haven't lost any significant weight but still. They kinda sounded like the girl below on about EDnos" and I think I know which friend wrote that comment and I really hope i'm wrong and they don't mean me because the girl whos formspring it is is saying to confront her (mabye me, sorry if this is getting confusing) and the other girl (who i think is my friend talking about me) is agreeing, saying she might confront her. If it is this particular friend I could never talk to her about any of this if she knew. We don't click really. I'm just friends with her because she's friends with my other friend. At least she doesn't do late study and won't see me going the entire day on nothing rathar than just thinking I skip lunch.

 Gotta run, it's getting late and I still have homework! I'll be back when I can which probably won't be for ages seeing as I'll practically be living in school from now on.

Ciao,
Xx

A Long Time

So I haven't written in a while. I kinda forgot I'd started a blog. But I'll try write more often, I promise. Even though I have no followers so no one reads these. Ah well, I'm doing this for me, because I suck at keeping a journal, and I'd like to keep something to look back on when i'm older.

So Christmas sucked. But I'd prepared myself for this, I knew it'd be terrible. On a plus side I'm able to resist all the junk around the house, I haven't really eaten it (except for binges of course), There's at least three big toblerones 4 boxes of jaffa cakes in the next room and I have no plans to eat them. We were given a box of celebrations and i'm proud to say I only ate about 20 sweets (spread out over two weeks) as oppose to the entire box in one go.
My brother got me tickets to the music festival Oxegen, I can't wait to go =D
And my Dad got me tickets to see the Script.

So Oxegen is my new goal, I hate setting goals, make me look like i'm on a diet, but I need goals, I'm like that, I need to plan things in advance.
I would Love to be 84lbs by then, so a loss of 51lbs in 27 weeks or just under 2 lbs (1.89) a week. Which seems reachable. But I know as I reach 100 and under I'll be barely losing a pound a week so I'm desperate to get to 100 as fast as possible.

So today is the 2nd of January 2011. (It's going to take me forever to get used to writing 2011 rather than 2010) Today I fasted, to kick off the new year. I feel terrible. I ate a mini milky way earlier, (took me about an hour) and I felt so bad after. Guilty and sick. I'm going to drink a bucket load of water after this, that might make me feel better. I don't even care if I gain loads in water weight, I don't mind water wight, It goes away over night anyways.

I'm cleaning out my room at the moment. It's over half way done. I just have to go through my wardrobe and give all the stuff I don't wear or doesn't fit anymore to the clothes bank, then go through my desk and get rid of any junk in there I don't need. I love when I clean out my room. When it's all clean and tidy and decluttered I feel clean and tidy and decluttered and refreshed and I spend more time in my room doing homework and reading which is good =)

So far this year has started out good, now lets see if the following 363 days are equally good.